Bob's Gift

Best friend tries to share an unwanted gift.

                                              Bob’s Gift
           
      It wasn't that he was bein quiet, that happened sometimes, he would just zone outand go away for awhile and who's never done that? No, it was the way he grinned that got me; it wasn’t human, I mean there were just too many fuckin’ teeth. He wasn’t just grinnin’ at me, it was like he was sizin’ me up seein’ how I would taste, reminded me of the big bad wolf in Little Red Riding Hood, ya know what I mean, like somethin outta a nightmare. All I know is that it was somethin’ to see and it really fucked me up 'cause it wasn't like him at all. That’s when I began to realize that there was something different about my buddy Bob.
      I never met anyone like Bob before in my life. I’ve never really taken to people that well, to be honest most of y'all bug the shit outta me. I’m the type that it takes a while to get to know and then when ya know him yer still not sure ya like him. But Bob was different, he and I got along right from the get-go. He was the type of guy that everybody just wanted to be around. He had a way about him that would make ya laugh, especially on those shitty days when nothing was goin’ right, that’s when he was at his best with some stupid joke or somethin’ that would make ya feel better. We had a saying in our group of friends: “If ya don’t like Bob, then you’re probably a dick”. I know it aint poetic but it’s the God’s honest truth, I met one guy who didn’t like Bob, and guess what…he was a dick, go figure.
      Anyway back to Bob, Bob could find a joke in anythin’, from the weather outside to the shoes on your feet but he wasn’t a clown like someone you wouldn’t take seriously, he was too smart for that, no he was just funny. He never made fun of anybody, if you were the butt of one of Bob’s jokes you just laughed along because everyone always knew he didn’t mean nothin’ by it he just had fun and tried to include everybody. He used to like to say: “It aint a good night until everybody’s had a good time”, yeah I know, maybe not poetry to you but it meant a lot to us, he wasn’t just the life of the party, he was the party.
      But the best thing about Bob, the real reason he was my best friend, was when you needed him, when life was just beatin the shit out of ya and everybody else split, he was always there. Bob would never let down a friend, he would give you his last dollar if he knew it would help, he was as loyal as a day is long and in this day and age people like that just don’t come round too much come to think of it, he's the only one I ever knew.
      A couple of years ago, my girl walked out on me just before we were supposed to get married, lookin back on it now I'd say she did me a favor but at the time I was pretty broken up. Some people called to say they felt bad for me, some called to see if they could get their weddin shower gifts back (bitch took those with her). Bob was the only one there every day, bringin’ me food, making me laugh, just making sure I was all right and didn’t do anythin’ stupid. He did all the work for our lawn business for a bit ‘cause I just couldn’t get off the couch, the light of day was just too much for me to deal with for a while, ya know? Bob never bitched, he just showed up everyday with a couple a beers and sat and watched t.v. with me until I started to get back to myself again. He never pushed me, never gave me any shit, he just waited and in time I got better. I don’t know how I woulda made it without him, he got me through the tough times and he did it ‘cause he was real and the only thing in life he really took seriously were the people he gave a shit about. He was my best friend and there’s nothing I wouldn’t have done for him, shit I woulda killed for the guy if he’d asked, ‘cause if Bob had wanted somebody dead, then you know the person probably deserved it.
        I gotta say that lately man Bob hasn't been himself, no he aint been himself at all...I'd even go so far as to say Bob's changed.But when I say Bob’s changed, I don’t mean he’s turned into a dick or anything, that aint the case. What I mean is he has really changed; as in turned into something else, as in he aint Bob no more. Now I know that sounds freakin’ crazy, people don’t just normally turn into somethin’ else, somethin’ that aint human with a whole bunch a fucked up teeth, but I’m tellin’ ya it’s the truth. I don’t know maybe I am crazy, but if I aint...shit I don't even want to think of it,but let me tell you what I know. From there I’ll let y'all make up your own minds.
      The whole thing started after a night spent out partying with some friends, ya know pounding down a few, blowing of steam after a long week of shit on our lawn crew, it was a ritual because most of us lawn dudes, the seasoned vets, are a bunch of drunks who like to have a good time and that's why we haven't done nothin more with our lives, and you know what most of us are o.k. with that.
      Bob hadn’t come out with us for a while, beggin off tellin us he wasn't feelin good but tonight I guilted him into hangin out. As the night went on I couldn’t help but notice that he wasn’t in his usual good mood; normally he would be in there talkin shit and makin everybody laugh, but that night he was just sittin’ there by himself at the end of the bar looking like he didn’t have a friend in the world . Seein’ as he had cheered me out of my gloom so many times I thought that I would go and try to return the favor.
        Usin’ my best Clint Eastwood impersonation (which is pretty damned good), I ordered a couple of shots from the barkeep and slid one of ‘em right in front of Bob. It was a hell of a shot stoppin right in front of him on the bar and normally Bob woulda been real impressed with my accuracy and made some type of crack, but that night he didn’t even notice it. He just sat there starin’ at nothin’ and not sayin a word.
      By that time of the night I had a pretty good buzz on and was beginnin to take this shit kinda personal. I walked up to Bob and smacked him on the shoulder, “Hey man drink it down, it aint like you to turn down a freebie.” Bob snapped his head around real quick makin me jump back. He just stared at me lookin at me like a man who had just had the scare of his life. His face was white as a ghost, his eyes were wide open and poppin’ out of his skull like they were about to burst. Seein’ that usually happy face lookin’ so scared freaked me out and I stared at him for a while til I found the balls to talk again. “Bob man, what the hell’s wrong?” I asked. Bob just looked at me with empty eyes and said, “Just get me home man; I can’t be here no more." I knew this was no joke, so I drained both shots (can’t waste ‘em), went to the other end of the bar, gave our pals some b.s. about havin’ to get home early, withstood the usual crap we give anyone who chooses to leave the bar early (without gettin’ kicked out for bein’ an idiot). After dealing with the barclowns, I went back grabbed Bob by the arm and carefully led him outside like he was someone who had drank themselves retarded. Bob didn’t say a word and just followed my lead; I knew then that I really needed to get this cat home.
        Standing at the corner waiting for a cab I held onto his arm, not wanting to let go like he was a hyper little kid that would bolt into the street if I didn’t hang on. Finally, a yellow cab picked us up; I put him in the car and then decided that I better go with him, to make sure he made it alright. I tried to talk to him a couple a times on the ride, but he would just stare straight ahead in that freaky way and not say a word. The driver kept checkin’ us out in his mirror, like he knew that something funky was goin’ on, but I just focused my attention on Bob. When we finally got to his apartment, Bob just got out of the cab and walked away. I paid the driver, gave him a good tip (a twenty for a ten dollar ride), the driver looked at me and asked “Your buddy gonna be all right?” I stopped for a second and then answered quickly “Yeah he’ll be fine, just had a few too many, ya know?” The driver gave me a look that told me he didn’t believe a word I said shook his head and pulled away from the curb. I watched him drive away and then ran to Bob who was just wandering aimlessly down the street like he had no place to go. I grabbed his arm and he turned looking at me as if he didn’t even know me. “C’mon man” I said, “Let’s get your ass inside.”
      Getting Bob up the stairs to the apartment was a fuckin chore of its own. Bob’s a big guy, you could say that he’s well fed and it’s been awhile since he’s missed a meal.  He lives on the second floor of a small apartment building and he was so out of it I had to half drag, half carry him up the steps. When we got to his door, I leaned against the wall and wondered if I was gonna have a freakin heart attack. “Bob” I panted “I’m not bein’ a dick here, but you really oughta think about losin’ some fuckin’ weight ya know?” Normally he would have an answer that would make you laugh for the next five minutes, but all I got for my effort was a blank, dull stare. I had to fish his keys from his jacket pocket or else I think he woulda stood there all night staring into space. Bob just stood there the whole time never sayin a word as I rooted around in his jacket pocket tryin’ to find his keys . After tryin’ almost every key on his ring (the guy had more keys on his ring than a janitor) I finally found the right one and unlocked his door. I looked at Bob who was standin’ there starin’ at the wall “Hey man” I said “Time for you to go inside and get some sleep pal, you’ll feel better in the mornin’” Bob didn’t move an inch, he just kept starin at the wall like he was tryin to burn a whole in it. “Fine man, I’ll just have ta help ya in then man. You sure are actin’ freaky Bob.” With that I turned around and opened the door to his apartment.
      The first thing I noticed was the smell. It was like body surfin’ and getting’ hit with a wave you never saw it damn near knocked me on my ass. I can’t really tell ya what it smelled like; I never smelled nothin’ like it before. The closest I can tell ya is: Imagine you’re at a county fair or somethin’ and you really gotta go, you look all over and can’t for the life of ya find a shitter. When ya feel like ya can’t take it no more, ya see an outhouse around the corner. You run up there as fast as you can and just before you get there, the fattest bastard ya ever laid eyes on squeezes his big ass out of it holdin’ on to his gut lookin’ sick. You know tubby just wrecked the joint and you don’t wanna go in but you aint got no choice so you just take a deep breath and go in. Imagine what that would smell like, now multiply by a hundred then add in a bit of rotting meat and you might be close to what it was like. I fell back in the hallway tryin’ my best not to puke. I looked at Bob: “What the fuck man, ya kill and eat the cleaning lady or somethin’?” He slowly turned his head, and that was when Bob first laid that funky new grin of his on me.
      As the grin grew, I couldn’t help but think his head was gonna split by the time it was done, I mean Bob always had a big smile but the teeth I saw in his head were impossible. There were so many and they were so big, I was just stuck there starin' like a fool I couldn't believe what I was seein was real. I shook my head and figured that I musta been seein’ things, either that or it was the booze makin’ me see him in that way, 'cause shit like that just doesn't happen in real life. “C’mon in pal I’ll get ya a beer” Bob said in a voice that didn’t sound like him at all. Something inside of me told me that things weren’t right and that maybe it was time to go. “I don’t think so man, yer freaking me out Bob. I think I’m just gonna call it a night man, call me tomorrow if ya need anythin” I said and turned to go. That was when Bob, the old Bob, came out of hiding “Please man, I need a friend right now, I need your help, please come in.” As I have already told ya, he was my best friend, seein’ him look so scared really bummed me out, no mater how weird he acted I still wanted to help, I mean really after all he had done for me how could I have said no? “All right Bob, if you really think I can help.” I said. Bob just looked at me and said “I know you can man, I know you can.” That said we walked into the apartment.       
      I hadn’t been to Bob’s in a while. He had made himself pretty scarce in the last month or so, he still came to work every day but begged off the bar at night sayin’ he wasn’t feelin’ too good. The inside of the place was dark and rank as rank can get. “Bob, it’s nasty in here’” I said again trying not to puke, taking shallow breathes so the nastiness didn’t get in my lungs. “I don’t even notice the smell anymore man, ya get used to it after awhile.” he said switching on the small light in his kitchen.
      The kitchen was a mess, take out cartons were scattered all over, dirty dishes and cups overflowed from the sink, rotting food was all over the counter fallin’ onto the floor. “What’s goin’ on with you Bob, ya aint actin’ right.” I said while standing next to the door not wantin’ to go all the way inside. He just looked at me, smirking “Why don’t ya come on in and have a beer with ol’ Bob?” He said, looking at me in a way that scared the crap outta me, like he wasn’t just lookin’ at me he was measurin’ me up, lookin’ into my soul. “No thanks man, I’m fine right here.” I said trying not to sound as scared as I was, but still takin’ a step back closer to the hallway. “Why don’t you just tell me what’s goin’ on with you?” With that Bob leaned against the counter, laughed a high pitched cackle that sounded nothing like his normal laugh, and told me this: “I been goin’ through some changes my man, some real funky changes.” He tilted his head back and looked at the ceilin’ thinkin’ for a moment. “How do I explain this to you?” He asked himself scratching his head. After some time he started talkin’ again, makin’ me almost jump out of my skin. “I met someone, someone real special and righteous, someone I really think you oughta meet. He really gave me a new outlook on life, somethin’ I think you’d really like.” Again he gave a short high pitched laugh; I felt a chill slowly crawl its way up my spine.
      Bob leaned against the table, spilling a real old lookin’ box of Chinese food onto the floor. That was when I noticed movement in the living room of Bob’s small apartment; it was dark so I couldn’t see right but something was there on the couch, a shapeless lump that had just moved. I was so scared I just stood there rooted in place like a freakin’ tree. I didn’t know what was goin’ on, but after a couple of minutes of silence, Bob decided he would fill me in. “ I met this guy not too long ago, and he turned me on to some new things man, I mean things that really changed me man,  and I gotta tell ya; I’ve never felt better in my life. It’s all so crazy man, I mean at first it was kinda scary and all, havin’ so many new things in my life, but man I gotta tell ya it was so freakin’ worth it.” He looked at me his eyes doin’ a crazy dance as he got more and more excited, I just stood there starin’ at him tryin’ to ignore the lump on the couch that I swear to Christ I had just seen move again and seemed to be closer than it was before. “And you” he said, “You would have me here to help you get used to things, ya know get you through the hard shit so it would be that much easier. I gotta be honest with you at the beginnin’ it’s tough but that only last for a couple a days and then everythings better then it ever was man better then you'd ever dream, anyway aint all the best things in life worth goin’ through some shit for?” He again looked at me excitedly, and I just nodded my head slowly tryin’ to figure out what the hell he was talkin’ about, he was really freakin me out.
      Bob turned around fiddled with somethin’ on his counter and began talkin’ again. “All I really know is I just gotta share this new life I found with you being my buddy and all, I mean shit you’re my best fuckin’ friend how could I not share this when it feels sooo fuckin’ good, ya know? I’d have to be some kinda asshole."He stopped for a second and looked at me, a little smirk on his face. He looked so fuckin' evil I felt my blood run cold. By now I figured Bob had lost it, gone bonkers, whatever you wanna call crazy and all i could do was watch and even though I was too scared to move, I couldn't help but wonder just what the fuck was that thing on the couch?
      By now Bob was worked into a lather pacin' back and forth and wavin his arms around like he was some type of preacher. "There’s so much goin on now it’s hard to figure out where to start, but just so ya know my man; you were the first choice to share my gift and that’s gotta make you feel special.” Listening to Bob was freakin me out, he was ramblin’ on like a nutball, but the worst part was the thing on the couch, I had stopped watchin’ Bob and now my eyes were glued to the other room, no matter how badly I wanted to look away, I just couldn’t keep my eyes off of it. It had no shape it was just a lump like old clothes or somethin’ but I swear I saw the fuckin’ thing move and somewhere down deep in my gut I knew that it wasn’t just a pile of clothes I was lookin’ at. I backed away more, and my back hit the doorjamb of his apartment. “Bob tell me what’s goin on here man or I’m takin off.” I said my voice now shakin’ like a leaf in a breeze. Bob leaned over his counter, his back turned to me and laughed again sounding more and more like a complete loony. “Oh man, you’re a funny guy” Bob said. “There’s so much to tell you, how would I know where to even start man, so much to explain but we’ll get to all that later, it’s too much to cover in a night. But none of that matters now man because right now more than anythin’ all I really want is a big ol’ hug from my best friend, come on man give your buddy a hug.” Bob turned and looked at me, and he wasn’t Bob anymore. His smile was now a huge nasty grin taking up half of his face with teeth that hung from his mouth like big ol’ knives lookin for somethin’ to cut. His eyes had turned blood red and bulged lookin’ like they were about to pop like somethin out of a cartoon, and his tongue, oh God his fuckin’ tongue, it slowly slithered out of his mouth lookin’ like a hungry snake that was ready to feed. I stood there, so scared that I couldn’t move, I could only watch as he slowly began to walk towards me, his face changin', gettin’ darker with each step. He held his arms out to me and in a low gravely voice said: “C’mon man, give your buddy a hug” That’s when I started to scream.
      The scream broke my paralysis and I ran out the door, feeling a finger brush by the back of my neck. I half ran half fell down the steps of his building stumblin' out onto the sidewalk and runnin', runnin' for my life. I ran all the way home, not once lookin' over my shoulder, afraid that the Bob-thing would be right there behind me trying to get its hug. I got to my apartment, ran up the stairs went inside and didn’t come out until the next day; I spent the entire night hiding in my room, afraid to look out the window, knowing that Bob would be waiting for me outside.
      The thing that happened with Bob was over six months ago, and I still haven’t told anyone; that is until now. Bob went missin’ that night and hasn’t been seen or heard of since. Do you really think anyone would believe the truth? What am I gonna tell people that my missin' buddy Bob had been turned into a monster by some lump I saw on his couch? That shit just aint gonna fly. People will think I’m nuts, I mean damn sometimes I even think I’m nuts and I was there. When the guys ask me if I’ve seen Bob, I tell them not since that night we all went out, there’s no point in sayin’ nothin’ else. So I’ve just been livin’ with it, some crazy nightmares sure but not so bad, that is until last week.
        I had just finished my evening brew and was getting ready to hit the sack one night when I noticed that a nasty smell had taken over my apartment, the same nasty smell that was at Bob’s apartment six months before, and in an instant I knew, Bob had come back. I slowly made my way out of my room, scared out of my mind. I went to the closet, grabbed my trusty old Louisville slugger and checked out the apartment. After a short search (my apartment is puny) I was finished, I  hadn’t found nothin’ and the smell had gone away. I put away my bat, laughed at myself to get the shakes out, let out a good ol’ stretch and decided that before turnin’ in I would take a look out my window just to see what was doin’ on the outside. I wish I had never looked out that window, ‘cause right across the street standin’ under a light was my long lost buddy Bob. When I looked out, he was lookin’ in and we locked eyes, I couldn’t look away. Slowly Bob laid that funky grin on me again and I knew this time he wasn’t playin’ around. He waved his hand and motioned for me to come outside, my head was pounding as I felt it slowly turnin’ back and forth tellin’ him no. Then out of nowhere I heard his voice in my fuckin’ head: “C’mon buddy, don’t you want my gift? It’s so easy to just accept a fuckin’ gift, I’m real disappointed pal. Don’t make me come up there and get ya now, I don’t think you’d like it if I had ta do that, that could get real unpleasant.” I shook my head and in a moment of clarity I said out loud: “Go away Bob, I don’t want your fuckin’ gift, not now, not ever.” I closed my eyes and turned my back to the window for a count of ten, prayin’ that when I turned around he wouldn’t be there no more. I slowly counted, feelin’ more scared then I had ever felt in my life. By the time I reached ten tears were streamin’ down my face, I was bawlin’ like a fuckin’ baby, I turned around took two deep breaths and looked out the window, Bob was gone. I went to my room and sat in the corner behind my bed, holdin my Louisville slugger for all I was worth, prayin’ that Bob wouldn’t come back. I stayed that way until the mornin’ not once even dozin’ off sure that if I did, Bob would get me. When the sun finally came out I went and looked out my window, Bob was still gone.
      But see Bob comes every night now, and every night he stands just a little closer then he did the night before. He grins that fucked up grin of his and waves for me to come outside. I’ll never go out, and I think Bob knows that but this has become some type of sick fuckin’ game to him. I thought about callin the cops, but what the fuck are they gonna do? If I tell them the truth their either gonna lock me in a looney bin or laugh their asses off and he aint done nothin’ wrong yet unless standing in the street has become a crime. I’m thinking of finding somewhere else to stay but deep down I know that won’t make any difference. If I take off and go to China, I know that Bob will be there too, ‘cause you see I’ve been chosen. Bob was my best buddy and now he really wants to share his new life with me. Thing is I don’t want to share his new life with him ‘cause I know that the thing out there aint really Bob anymore and it don’t want to do me any favors. I know it really wants to show me the lump on the couch, that’s what it really wants me to see. As bad as the Bob-thing is, that lump in the dark is something I don’t ever want to see in the light, but Bob keeps comin’ every night and he keeps getting’ closer, grinning at me like an evil fool. I know that what ever is goin’ to happen is goin’ to happen soon…and there’s not a fuckin’ thing I can do about it. God I hope I’m just’ nuts, that would be so much easier to deal with than the truth, whatever the truth is, please God just let me be nuts. I hope all this is over with soon ‘cause I can’t take much more.
                ROYAL OAK- Police are investigating  the disappearance of a local man after a disturbance in the apartment building in which he lives last night.      Neighbors describe hearing a loud scream and sounds of a scuffle just  before midnight.Police were called and arrived on the scene to find the apartment in shambles with obvious signs of a struggle, but no sign of the man who lives there. The only information that neighbors could give according to police was that each person interviewed noticed a horribly nauseating stench which seemed to emanate from the area of the apartment right around the time of the disturbance and dissapated just as suddenly shortly thereafter. Investigators are asking anyone with any information on this incident please call the Royal Oak police department as soon as possible.       

Bob lied, it hurts like hell.