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Rated: ASR · Article · Crime/Gangster · #1275425
Yes, I hurt my baby; but, I was stressed! (Crying uncontrollably.) God help me!
                          THE LAMEST EXCUSES CONTEST ENTRY


On 5/17/07, News Channel 12, 5:30pm in Augusta, GA.  You just had to see this broadcast and the disturbing story of the father who microwaved his baby!?!

His reason (lame excuse)?  He was stressed.  Stressed!?!  Hmmm.  But that is not the end or most interesting part of the story.  Turns out he had just relocated to Dallas.  Why you ask?  To become a minister.  (Mouth wide open in astonishment.)  A minister?  Like, of what I'm thinking?  A Minister of Satan?  And was microwaving his baby his last step in the coronation process?

There is good news though, maybe.  The baby survived (clap clap) and is in the hospital being treated and prepared to be released to the foster care system.  Oh, how I would just look forward to such a fate.  We're in agreement, aren't we reader?  Yes, of course.

But, hold up.  Ding, ding, ding, ding!  Unanswered questions abound:  like, "Where is the mother?", Other relatives?, and, most important for our desensitized, bent on sensationalism, coo coo society, "How long did he microwave the baby for and at what power level?"  I mean, hey, let's give copy caters something to shoot for, eh.

Anyway, people, seriously, Satan is alive and kicking.  "Prowling around like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour."  Does that ring a bell?  If not, shame shame.  Pull out your concordance and Bible and go the way of the Bereans.  Are you clueless as to what I mean except the Bible part?  Okay, Satan awaits you and shall be your bunk mate for all eternity.  Promise.

Now, the all important question; will the father go for the (scapegoat) insanity plea?  God forbid!  I mean, really, I'm certifiably insane and I haven't microwaved any babies, shot up any postal workers or classmates, etc. etc. etc.  There is just evil in this world of which Satan is currently lord.  If you are not God's child and under God's protection (like me, praise Him), Satan has free reign and he is, by default, your DADDY.  Be afraid.  Be very afraid.  Oh, by the way, do you know where your child is? (Smile.)  Of course, ha ha ha ha, in the microwave!  Where else?  Scary!  Spooky!  Crazy!

Well, this is the Satanic Broadcast System signing off.  BE AFRAID!

                                                  Peace to you. 
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