Who said anything had to do with cards?
The Stacked Deck
“Dammit. I can’t believe I’m late again!” PK says as she hurries through the convention center doors towards the Texas Hold ‘Em Poker tournament. I’m glad there were table assignments, I don’t wanna get screwed before I ever play the first hand, she thinks. She pays the $5,000.00 buy-in at the cashier counter and heads toward the crowded tables with her mound of chips.
“Hey there hot shot!” says a husky voice. PK spins around like somebody goosed her from behind.
“No, no, no! Don’t look around, the other players will think you’re crazy! Just play it cool. There you go honey, you’re doin’ fine. Why don’t you find our table? I’ve been waitin’ for the kinds of hands you play to finally show up.” PK walks toward table sixteen, like she’s not the crazy chic hearing sexy voices in her head. Halfway to the table she finally recognizes the purr of the voice. It’s not from inside her head, it’s coming from the playing cards. It’s the voice she hears everytime she sits down to gamble at the felt tables.
She tells the voice silently “I’m really not that good.”
The cards reply “that’s what everybody says. How cute. Now let’s play some cards, Poker-Wonder-of-the-World.” PK takes her seat to the left of the dealer and begins to size up her competition. This contest is a five day event. It begins with 250 starting tables of nine players, with the winners from these tables moving on to compete against each other for a one million dollar pot. This is not small potatoes poker.
“Gotta go, Love” the deck sings, “I can’t wait to lay these cards down for you tonight.” PK can feel her cheeks burn as the voice makes her blush. She just can’t help it. “Oh and honey” says the deck, “don’t talk to me while we’re playing. The other players will really think your crazy then.” PK silently agrees and watches as the deck begins her act.
The deck is always professional. “Ante up,” The deck calls the game from inside PK’s head, and tosses two cards face down to the nine players round after they each drop a chip in the center pot.
“Look at ‘em real quick. Now put ‘em back down. All players are in, someone on the end is callin’, are you gonna bet?” PK calls the someone’s bet with two kings. Nobody folds at this point, they all call the guy’s bet. Time to burn one and and lay down the flop. The deck flips three cards over in the middle of the table. A king of clubs, an ace of hearts and a three of diamonds.
In her hand, PK holds two kings. She sits up straighter at the table and continues to check her cards over and over. The deck feels PK get too excited. She silently chides her.
“Play it smooth. Watch what you're doin’, you’re givin’ away your secrets with those tells, girlie. Work it up there, get ‘em to bet. They don’t know what you have, they might think you’ve got a handful of crap.” PK calls a blind bet from the player to her right and then raises it. Three of the nine players fold right away rather than call, and then a fourth follows suit, cringing in disgust.
“Too much! Dammit. You bet too much!” cries the deck. “Everybody’s gonna fold now and you won’t make any money. No. Wait. The weird guy on the end with the red hair is gonna call. He’s all in! Did you see the size of his stack?” PK can’t believe it. What could he possibly have? She wonders if he’s got aces. Three more players go out leaving just PK and the Weird Guy.
She prays for Lady Luck’s favor and watches nothing but the top card on the turn and it’s a seven of spades. Four of the five community cards have been dealt. The deck pipes up with “Now is the time to raise him and scare him away. Make him think that that card is what you really needed. That’s the card that did it for ya.” The deck loves when PK plays aggressive. It makes the game that more exciting.
PK says “I call. And then raise it again.” All eyes are on the deck, waiting for just the right card, the last card, to turn and come down the river. PK watches the Weird Guy. His tells are flashing across his face like it’s a billboard. His face twitches just a little at the mouth and he is pulling at his right ear. She wonders if he is hearing his own version of the deck’s sweet, seductive voice. He fondles a little part of the huge stack of chips he’s thrown into the pot with his other hand. He’s actually starting to look sick. This can’t be good.
As the deck flips the river, PK holds her breath. All she can do is stare at the last card as it lays in the fifth spot, the river card spot. The deck is cheering and the other players are laughing and patting her on the back long before she realizes the fifth and final card played is the king of spades. She has four kings. Nothing beats that, except maybe four aces and there’s no way The Weird Guy had that. The Weird Guy was all in with nothing but a queen of clubs and a jack of hearts. The deck laughs her sexy, smooth little laugh and congratulates PK.
“Now, this is getting exciting!” PK rakes in the big pile of chips from the center of the table. She picks up a few and tosses them back into the center for the ante on the next hand. The Weird Guy leaves the table dejected and the chips pile up as the remaining seven pay to keep playing.