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Rated: 18+ · Fiction · Comedy · #1284796
Paris Hilton's first statement after being released from Jail!!!!
It was a busy news week as June came to a close. Paris Hilton was released from her incarceration this past week. Upon her release (before Larry King) she prepared this statement that she read to the press. It was the Top Things She Learned About Life While in Jail (and didn't you just know this one was coming!!) :

"Hi everyone. I want to thank you all for being here to see me get out of jail. My Mom and Dad helped me prepare these 10 things that I remember most or thought about while having my behind in bars. It took awhile for me to read and for Dad to pay someone to write this list so please hold any questions you may have until after I've finished rereading it to you. Ok here goes........"

"What's that Mom....oh....Mom said I'm supposed to read it to you out loud........"

10. "The guards were just soooo nice. They kept offering to bring me extra pillows and sheets. And several of them offered to bring me a hot roast beef sandwich whenever I wanted one. I feel really bad about that because I wasn't really that hungry and never took them up on their offers."

09. "No matter how rich you are, only being really rich and really hot will get you out of your prison stay for a day or so."

08. "Why are the lights always on in jail? How is anyone able to film their secret sex videos that somehow wind up on the internet right before the premiere of a new season of The Simple Life?"

07. My parents have been wonderful through this entire order...hors d'oeuvres??, um oral, no that's not it.Um, they've been great. They're Hot!!!

06. Ok now I remember. My Mom told me that I should use the whole prison thing and turn over a new leaf. So as soon as I got outside I went over to the first tree I saw, grabbed one and turned it over. So now that I've done what she asked, we're all going to Vegas tonite and get wasted!!!!

05. I've promised everyone that I won't drink and drive anymore. I'm gonna drive first....then drink.

04. The judge told me that from now on I need to attend the Alcoholics Unanimous classes. So I called triple 'A' this morning and made an appointment for this afternoon. They were so nice on the phone. They told me they could have a someone get to me within an hour. I hope he gets here fast I really need someone to fix me an Apple Martini and Mommie and Daddy sent the staff home for the day.

03. I'm looking forward to seeing all my friends like Lindsey and Britney and Nicole and Rod Stewart's daughter. I think most of the them are all out of rehab by now. Britney might even be able to bring the kids with her to visit me. If her husband, um my bad, ex-husband, K-Mart lets her. What's that you say? I got his name wrong? Oh sorry, the first time I met him I had my mouth full so I couldn't hear anything. And plus with Britney and that frigging accent, how long would YOU pay attention to what she's saying?

02. I'm looking forward to getting back and becoming a reproductive member for society to use. What's that Mom? I read it wrong? Excuse me. Let me resurrect my last comment. I'm looking forward to using many productive members inside my society. What now Mommie? That's still not still not right. Oh forget you guys take my picture don't you? What do ya mean get my picture? How can you get it if you don't take it first? Oh you're all starting to get mean and confuse me. So knock it off... I'm trying to be adult-orientaled about this whole thing.

01. I'm sorry for the whole suicide watch thing. But I was really scared. One of the first things that happened in jail I was forced to watch a show about some people that lived on this street named after a bagel or something". After seeing this one puppet named "cookie monster" I became so violently ill that I had to be sent home. I felt so bad for him because he just didn't understand that "K" is for Kookie not "C". So now after each meal instead of sticking my fingers down my throat to purge I just think of that show and the chunks come flying.

"Thanks everybody for being so supportive during my inconstipation. It was tough being in jail, but as my Mom and Dad are always saying 'you shouldn't look a horse in the mouth without a gift' and 'always have people looking at your brightest side' in case there's a camera around. That's Hot!!!"
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