by Smiling Jack
Dr. Lotta Innuendo offers advice on one of man's most eloquent expressions.
How to Execute a Low-Hanging Full Moon
By Jack Rawlins and Dr. Lotta Innuendo
In the long and shining history of mooning nothing warrants more admiration than a perfectly executed low-hanging full moon. In gourmet cooking, presentation is a vital component; in mooning, presentation is the very essence of the art. Our purpose here is to present for both novitiate and dilettante tips and techniques that will lead to a memorable experience for both the mooner and the moonee.
Try to think of your first moon as a coming out party. It’s the debut where you get your first exposure. First impressions are often the most lasting, so attention to detail at this stage is certainly time well spent.
The nice thing about mooning is that you already have everything you need. However, experienced mooners have found the following items, though not essential, will contribute to your pleasure, comfort and safety:
.Insect Repellent .Chap Stick .Sun Screen .Handy Wipes .Running Shoes
Except for the running shoes, each of these items is self explanatory. The running shoes are a safety measure. Not all mooned parties are good sports. Some have nasty tempers and fast legs. Your survival may depend on your swiftness.
Mental Preparation for Mooners
Not everyone should take up mooning. Introverts and those with a very high modesty index are most at risk. However, should those in this category wish to proceed they can be pre-conditioned by a visit to their psychiatrist or proctologist.
Another approach is to work into the program gradually. Begin with a quarter moon, and then graduate through half and three quarter moons until you feel comfortable with letting it all hang out.
Some mooners, nervous before their first outing, have found strength in this advice from Hamlet:
To moon, or not to moon, --that is the question;
Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to bare bottoms against a sea of troubles,
And by exposing ends, end them.
Mooning is a peaceful protest, an example of supreme eloquence without uttering a word. You should never speak when mooning. Never offer dumb comments such as, “Kiss my derriere.” Anyone close enough to kiss it is close enough to kick it.
Directions for The Low-hanging Full Moon
1. Garments should be dropped completely to the ankles. Just flashing a little skin is considered poor form.
2. Bend forward as in a toe-touching exercise but--this is critical--do not lock the knees.
3. Flex the knees as you bend. This allows the buttocks to move down, backward and out to present a lovely low-hanging moon equal in majesty to the one that has inspired poets for eons.
Caution: Excessive exuberance when mooning can lead to unrealistic expectations and carelessness. If you exceed your torso’s tipping point with your ankles encumbered by garments you can fall on your face. Your injuries would probably be minor, but why give the moonee the last laugh?
Follow the advice we’ve offered, and you too can express yourself with mooner’s élan.
We feel un-compelled to offer the following non-obligatory Government Warning: According to the Sturgeon General, the big fish with no sense of humor, mooning can be hazardous to your equilibrium and may affect your ability to balance your check book or operate an automobile. Women who are more than 12 months pregnant should avoid mooning and find out what’s taking them so long.