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Rated: 13+ · Essay · Comedy · #1348195
Comedic essay on the subject. For entertainment purposes, should not be taken seriously.
Smooching. Making out. “I love you” personified. Throughout the ages the act of kissing has been called many things by many people, but not a one of them has been so ignorant as to call it easy. Indeed, many are put-off and even intimidated by the mere thought of osculating, especially when the osculatee is a pretty girl. For though those with testosterone take great pride knowing everything in the world, their ineptitudes are, surprisingly, equally impressive. The sad truth is that as important as a genuinely passionate exchange of saliva is to a healthy relationship, most, if not all, guys are a little hazy on the process. Alas, if you have read this far already and intend to read even further, then you, most likely, are one of these unlucky souls. But fear not, for the answers lie within.

Unless you prefer melons and wrists, you are probably going to need a bona fide set of lips to lay a big wet one on. These are perhaps the single most important item on the kissing agenda, and failure to comply will most likely result in a life of Cheetos, bad hair, wearing socks with sandals, and an existence restricted to your parents’ basement. Of course the question running through your confused head is, “Where on earth am I going to find a pair of lips of all things?” While it may seem a quagmire of the most impossible nature at first glance, the answer is really quite simple. Recent studies show that over 75% percent of women actually have lips of some kind. And as we all know, all kinds of lips are kissable. Now that we have established just what you are to kiss and the odds of finding them, an even greater question looms in the air; just who, perchance, are you supposed to kiss?

This question is a tad bit harder to answer. The female race is as wide and varied as the Little Debbie pastry line; no two are truly alike yet all have their redeeming qualities. Some are sweet, some are nice to look at, and some are tastier than others. Some are crunchy and chocolaty, while others are soft and easier to bite into. And some are old and melted because they have been at the back of the box for too long. These are the ones you must avoid at all cost, for knowing who not to kiss is just as important. The choice is a difficult one. Shall it be Nutty Bars or Swiss Cake Rolls? Oatmeal Creme Pies or Zebra Cakes? You now see the dilemma. The trick is to feel it out, go with what seems like the natural choice. How about the eight-foot tall girl with biceps larger than yours who’s signing with the WNBA next year? Probably not. The girl with black nail polish and a lip ring who writes sad poems about death and spilt milk? Let’s keep looking. Perhaps the nymphomaniac with whom one date will be all you’ll ever need? Hmm. We will keep her in mind. Aha! How about the little blonde girl who sits next to you in Chemistry? She is kind of quiet, but she is also very cute and does not like Nickelback. A keeper if there ever was one. Not to mention she looks rather makey outey.

Hold on to those blushing pilgrims, Romeo, you’ve still got a little ways to go. While you may have found a girl with a pair of lips, that doesn’t mean you can start sucking her face. Before exploring her mouth, you must first arrange a date. This is by far the easiest bump on the road to a kiss. It is really quite simple. Strike up a conversation about the weather or robots and make some small talk. And then just ask her out. That’s it. As long as you ask sincerely and with your fly closed you should do just fine. As for the setting of your rendezvous, it does not matter how you spend your time together as long as you instill the Mood.

What is the Mood, you ask? My dear, uninformed friend, the Mood is when you are in the theater of some scary movie about an evil dismembered hand that kills its victims with tales of educational television, and a particularly scary part occurs, frightening the cute little blonde girl so that she grabs your hand. Or when all of the stars are out to play and she says something like, “It sure is a nice night,” and then looks at you with those big, dreamy eyes and sighs. The Mood is also when the two of you are eating at a Chinese restaurant, but since you lack the basic motor skills required to pour the shrimp sauce over your fried rice correctly, you must therefore use a spoon to transfer it lest you bring about the apocalypse. She finds this handicap simply delightful, giggling every time you spill the pink mush on the table. This is one of the better examples of the Mood, and an almost guaranteed ticket to a game of tonsil hockey.

After successfully creating the Mood, it is time to arrange the proper setting. As cliché as it sounds, the best time and place for a kiss is after you have dropped the cute little blonde girl off and are seeing her to the door. The area is fairly secluded, and much more wholesome than, say, the back of your car or a cliff overlooking the city. This next part is going to be awkward no matter what, but there are a few things you can do to lighten things up. First, take both her hands and clasp them in your own. Remember that she is only a cute little blonde girl and is not very strong, so don’t squeeze the life out of her cute little blonde hands. However, be careful not to hold them too lightly, either. Your grip must be firm enough to reassure her that everything is all right and that ninjas are not going to come out of the bushes to attack. Another way to relieve tension is to ask her in a very soft, sweet voice if you can kiss her, but this is not entirely recommended. Some girls may go for the nervous, unsure quality, but most of the time it takes an extremely charming and witty guy to pull it off. Whatever your method, make sure you make her feel comfortable, and above all, do not force it. There is nothing worse than kissing someone who does not want to be kissed.

Assuming you have found a pair of lips attached to a girl, filled the air with love atoms, and relocated to the threshold of her humble abode, there is only one thing left to do. Kiss her. Kiss the girl. Kiss her like she’s never been kissed before, like you two are the only ones left on earth and there is no tomorrow. Make her feel like she’s floating on a tidal wave, like she’s drifting into outer space. When you touch her, make her feel happy inside. Just keep an eye on exactly where you touch. If things seem to be going well you can try putting your arms around her waist or gently cupping her face in your palms, but under no circumstance should you give into male impulses and grope those parts of her anatomy that are strictly female. This could potentially kill the Mood entirely, and that is a risk you cannot be willing to take.

As far as sheer technique goes, there is really not any advice to give. Everybody likes to kiss and be kissed differently, so just close your eyes, relax, and have fun. Being a good kisser isn’t about doing tricks with your tongue or making it last all night. It’s about making that cute little blonde girl feel like she’s one in a million, the only cute little blonde girl in the whole stratosphere. Let her know she’s the one you want to share a spaghetti noodle with. And when you've managed to do that, you've accomplished something truly special.
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