Monologue of the partridge in the pear tree.
Hoo-brrrrrr, Hoo-brrrrrr, Hoo-brrrrrr...
Huh? Where am I? I was peacefully dozing in under the hedge wasn’t I? It’s been ages since there were any, shudder, hunters around, so it was safe enough to doze a little.
Let me part the leaves...goodness gracious! How did I get up here?
Halloooo... a little help here please!
What does a bird have to do to get a little service around here? I’m not used to this kind of indifference you know! The missus looks up to me no end, and the young ‘uns are pretty deferential too. They better be, they’d get a couple of quick hard pecks if they weren’t. There’s nothing like a good pecking order.
I need a running start to fly y’know, or I’d have taken off long before this.
Hey, careful with the flashing lights, I ain’t speeding anywhere, buddy. What is this, the Fourth of July or sump’n? I hope there ain’t gonna be fireworks? I’m scared silly by ‘em, and my lovely tail plume droops with the smoke.
Well at least there’s food on this tree, none of that ridiculous fruit that trees stupidly adorn themselves with, here’s some crunchy white puffed kernels, ummm...’licious.
Well, how thoughtful, these kernels go on and on down the tree in a lovely loop, I can eat my way down.
Ooops, I seem to have scratched those nice shiny parcels, what are they?
Peck, peck...nah...just some of that shiny hard stuff these Yumans call plastic, useless for food or making nests.
Peck...scratch...tear...rip...None of these parcels has grain or worms or anything remotely interesting. I’ll just take a few of those shiny flat coloured vines to decorate our nest, give it a touch of class. The missus’ll be no end pleased.
I’d take a few puffed kernels for the kids in my beak too, but they melt in the mouth y’know?
Ahhh...there’s an open window...okay, a nice flapping start...aaaaaand off I go!
What’s the Yuman who just entered the room shouting? Something about a partridge and a pear tree?
I’d go back and tell him I’m half pheasant, just to be pleasant, but those U-turns are so tough y’know?