Just something I wrote in my time of sadness
|I stare with a tear blurred vision at the soft winter night sky. And I feel its soft air enter my nostrils as sobs break through my chest and tears boil down my eyes. Sobbing softly and tearfully along the soft tune of the winter night. Midnight settling over the small town, with a bitter edge. Chills mix with sobs and tears...as my exposed skin trembles. My feet dangle from my rooftop. And my tears fall down on my shirt. Hot and acidly, staining the midnight colored shirt that blends with the utter darkness. "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry" I whisper softly to the sky. in a melancholic flavored tone...and a broken voice that is not coherent to the ear. I'm so sorry....I'm so sorry... I whisper quietly, and slowly, because releasing the words from my chest feels so impossible ...so impossible but necessary. I whisper...to everyone that’s with me. Hoping the midnight air will carry my regrets to all whom I love... My word process is slow and heavy. My voice husky and apologetic. I am so sorry...I am not enough...I am so sorry...I screw up. So many times now...in so many ways now...to all the ones I love... I am sorry...I am not enough....I wish... And now the break of sobs erupting from my chest is solid. In a complete chain, right along with my tears. And I can taste the bitter salt in my mouth...through the soft curve of my lips... I search through my pockets, through broken sobs and tears. Softly unscrambling the once elegant letter, whose state now is mediocre and a mere shell of its former self. Its ink overrun by the salt of tears. Yet the title is readable enough. The soft moonlit night allows my eyes to read it. No...not read....it...they’re far too lost in tears. But I know the letter to heart. And I don’t have to read the top to know what it says "I don’t mean ill but I must inform you that you need to change" And at that point my mind boils. Its all muddles but it burns now. And with a face stained in the ebony shadow of the night. I throw it , and let the winter air carry it... "I've never been good enough....I'm sorry...I wish I could be better....I wish I did not overreact...I wish...I did not...go to the extremes...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...I've been such an awful friend...such a foul boyfriend I wish I could be like he...the one before me who sadly passed away...you deserve so much more than me...so much more....such an idiotic site owner..." I am sorry...everyone...I am sorry for damning you with my precense...with my stupidity....And I whisper softly...and brokenly and my eyes burn. Like they burn every time they flow with tears. I throw my head back. Trying to find the answers in the clear midnight sky. Trying to apologize to the stars. For being such a foul human being. For being so selfish...and a curse... Trying to find the answers to the questions that I know not. The sobs stop now. The shadow of two rivers composed of tears settles on the pale complexion of my serene face. And I lay back on the rigid surface of the place I call my adobe. Not the house itself but the cold limp rooftop. Cold like my heart. Ah my heart. So dark and frozen. Like the deep depths of the ocean. I close my eyes...and whisper one last time. Whisper to no one ... Whisper to everyone.... "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry" and then I wish...I wish with every fiber of my being as I lay limp and numb, and addition to the utter darkness of the world. Wishing...I could be ...better....a better person...with a nice big smile...and a shining heart...
I'm sorry...this makes no sense and its muddles but...I wrote it out of raw emotion and its bound to be filled with utter mistakes and stupidity