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Rated: E · Letter/Memo · Other · #1369662
For Round One of Waltz's "Tourn-a-Rounds" contest
Save the Ales

Dear Zeke,

I hope you and yours are well. How's the wife? The new baby? A buddy of mine won't stop talking about how much his Johnson & Johnson shares are making him. I bet he could get you some sort of a discount on baby stuff, you both having a stake in the stork market and whatnot. I'll give him your number.

I'm sure you though long and hard before opening this letter, but I sure am grateful that you did. I'm sure the last thing you need with your new family is to dig your hair brained brother out of another jam. Trust me, I wouldn't be coming to you if it weren't a good and fruitful cause.

Turns out Tyson's Family Microbrewery is in trouble and fixing to close down. The drought's been real hard on everybody around here and they're real short on barley and hops. Not one to let an opportunity dry up right in front of me, I met them with real goldmine idea. Wheat! Wheat beers are flooding the local watering holes. I'm not partial myself, but my lady, Wanda, can't get enough! I just knew if we hit that market we'd be on a roll. I won't be rotting away in some foul chicken plant for the rest of my life, I'll tell you that.

Now I'm sure you're wondering I'm going to get enough wheat to do this on account of the fact it comes out of the ground too. Well, I had it all worked out. My buddy, Cletus, works at the town bakery. Since he spends most of his time loafing anyway, I figured I'd put him to task. I got him to find out who supplies the wheat to the bakery. There's so many farms around here I knew we wouldn't have to go far. Turns out the farm in question is in Hillshire about twenty miles up the road from my house.

When I went to the Tysons with my idea they were a little skeptical. When I gave them a guarantee that I could get them enough wheat to fill their stock for only the cost of labor, they agreed to let us give it a try so long as we kept them off the books. My company, Mr. Glean's, is a three way partnership between Cletus, Wanda, and myself and is pure profit. The farm in Hillshire is a couple hundred acres at least. A persistent worker could easily get a couple of bushels from what the harvester leaves behind on the ground.

Now I couldn't go on the first gleaning expedition, on account of my probation, but I dropped Wanda and Cletus at the property boundary and stayed put to help with the loading. Things were going according to plan until I heard a mess of commotion making its way up the hill towards my truck. Turns out there are about a dozen big guard dogs and security cameras planted all over the property. Before long the police pulled up and I high tailed it out of there. Wanda and Cletus are in the pokey now and I need a $1000 to bail them out.

Wanda's pretty steamed at me, and saying she never would have gone along with such a half baked idea if she'd known it would mean hamming it up for the security camera's at Hillshire Farms. I can't say I blame her. Once I spring her and Cletus, we can figure out where this all went wrong. I just know I'll double your bail contribution once we get our system down. Just consider it an investment. I'd be most grateful for your help, brother.

Give Jenny and baby Lorraine my love.

Best Regards,
J.J. Reynolds
Mr. Glean's Alternative Harvesting Options
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