by Dry Ink
Tired of loose change? Here's a outlandish proposal for something better!
By John Dillon
Want to know what I hate? I really hate dollar bills and coins. Why? It's a mess. I'm at a store and I have to pay for something, like a bag of chips, right? So I have to take out my wallet, open it, shuffle through the bits of paper to find one of the correct denomination, and hand it over. Of course, then I invariably get pennies and nickels back in change. So then I have zip open the change purse in my wallet, stick the coins in, and zip it close. And then, the cashier guy hands me a receipt, so I have to open my wallet again and stick another piece of paper inside before I stick my wallet back into my pocket. This whole exchange takes up about a minute of my precious time, and frankly, I am sick and tired of it!
But what can I do? We definitely need a quicker and more efficient way to purchase things, but how? Here's my radical proposal for a complete overhaul of the U.S. currency.
The new currency will be based on little bits of metal. Lead, to be specific. These new lead coins won't be round and flat, but cylindrical, with a pointy end and a flat end. All of these pieces of lead will be coated in a thin sheet of copper to give it a nice shiny look. Anyway, the value of each of these new lead coins is determined by the diameter, with one cent for each millimeter. For instance, a 9mm coin will be worth 9 cents.
But what to call this new coin? I dub it, a "bullet". But how do you use these "bullet" coins? After all, they are just as clumsy and awkward to put in a change purse. The use of these "bullet" coins requires a radically new and efficient metal wallet, which I call a "gun". What you do is you pull out the "magazine" of the "gun", which is the part that you stack your "bullet" coins in. Let's say the "magazine" can hold twenty 9mm coins, so now you have $1.80 of easily accessible cash. You then push the "magazine" back into your "gun" wallet. The "gun" wallet is uniquely shaped, sort of like a sideways "L", so when you stick the long end in your pocket, the handle sticks out, allowing for easy retrieval.
What do you do with this "gun" wallet? I mean, now it is an even bigger hassle paying for a bag of chips! You have to pull out the "gun", then remove the "magazine", and then take out the 20 "bullet" coins needed to pay for the chips. Inconvenient? Stupid? NO! Because that's not how it works! Attached to your "gun" wallet is a little lever called a "trigger". When you pull the "trigger" of your "gun" wallet, one "bullet" coin is ejected from the front of the wallet at high velocity. Amazing!
So, back to that bag of chips. It costs $1.80, right? What do you know, you have that exact amount in your "gun" wallet! So, how do you pay for the bag of chips? EASY! Just point your "gun" wallet at the cashier guy, and pull the "trigger"! BINGO! You just paid 9 cents! Pull the "trigger" a second time... and then a third time... and then a fourth time... and just keep pulling the "trigger" until you've paid the $1.80 with 20, 9mm "bullet" coins. There! Quick, clean, and efficient currency transfer!
But what if you're buying something worth more than $1.80? SIMPLE! Just stock up on "magazines" for your "gun" wallet. Each "magazine" holds $1.80, so if you walk around with five "magazines", you can buy 9 bucks worth of stuff! Empty one "magazine" of "bullet" coins at the cashier guy, then remove it, insert another one, and just repeat!
However, if you want to be really ambitious, you can just use larger "bullet" coins, since their value is determined by their diameter. For you rich folks out there, here's a really attractive offer for a bigger "gun" wallet and "bullet" coins. I propose a new circulation "bullet" coin that is an amazing 30 millimeters in diameter! That's 30 cents right there! But this coin is too big for ordinary "gun" wallets. It needs a rather special "gun" wallet called the GAU-8 Avenger. Catchy! Anyway, this wallet has SEVEN barrels! SEVEN barrels spinning round and round to deliver 65 "bullet" coins a SECOND! And let me just say that you can carry 1,350 "bullet" coins in just ONE of this wallet's "magazines"! So, with the GAU-8 Avenger wallet, you can buy that $1.80 bag of chips with only six "bullet" coins in only .0923 SECONDS! That's what I call quick and efficient!
Going even further, larger denomination "bullet" coins will cease to be "bullets". Instead, larger diameter coins will be called "rocket", "missile", and "bomb" coins. These larger denomination coins will require larger wallets for convenient delivery, called "tanks" and "bombers".
So that's my proposal for the overhaul of the U.S. currency system. With these "bullet" coins, we can pay for merchandise in record time. No more fumbling for loose change and dollar bills! The era of traditional currency will be over! This radical change in our currency will not only bring a radical change to business as we know it, but it'll change our vocabulary too! No longer will be "purchase" things; we will instead "rob" things! This shorter and faster word of only three letters and one syllable conveys the mood of the exciting new age of fast-paced currency transfer! I hope this new age comes soon! Do you?