by Smiling Jack
A despotic ruler decides that birthday parties are passe.
Dork Bans Birthday Parties
By Jack Rawlins
BUENOS NOSHING, Amigo Terra --- King Eddy-Amen Dork this week issued a bizarre decree that prevents birthday parties. Some say it’s a reaction to what happened at his birthday party a year ago. These same sources (who chose to remain anonymous and survive) say the King’s affair was just kicking into high gear when twenty orangutans crashed the party, smashed the stemware and china, gobbled up the food and---before they were sedated--- ravished sixteen women and four men.
The King has not attended a party since.
Dork, a graduate of M.I.T., where he studied sanitary engineering, was in charge of ethnic purification for his despotic cousin in Africa. When his cousin vanished, Dork decided to get his own country. The United Nations wasn’t paying attention when he moved to Amigo Terra, ousted the President, took over as King and named his wife, Nerdy--- Queen.
On Tuesday, Jan. 22, King Dork issued this statement:
“I am a kind king. I am your kind of king. I am a good kind-king, kind of guy. That’s why you must stop having birthday parties. They are bad for you.
“Every birthday marks another step in the march toward your grave. I want you to stop marching.
“Therefore, I do hereby decree that from Jan. 31, 2008, Birthday Parties Are Prohibited. Henceforth, each year I order you to observe a nationwide “Postpartum Day” …a day to commemorate each day you have survived since birth.
“Isn’t that exciting? When you are twenty years of age you commemorate your 7,399th Post Partum Day! When you are forty years of age you commemorate your l4, 600th Post Partum Day!
Live to be one hundred and you can commemorate your 36,500th Post Partum Day! Birthdays are passé.
“Moreover, I want my subjects to have a good time. So, concurrent with Postpartum Day, you may enjoy a Missionary Pot Roast Fiesta.
“As some of you youngsters may not know, In 1755 Captain James Cook set two missionaries ashore here with instructions to “save these heathen.” Both missionaries soon became entrees and part of a secret recipe that has been passed down from generation to generation.
“I say it’s time to bring back those days. Now, however, missionaries are a protected species. We must substitute the chubby nudge monkeys that are so abundant in Amigo Terra. Many say they taste the same as chicken.
“That is my message. I want you to cooperate with me on these initiatives. And you had better. Understand?”
Everyone did understand the message, but not every one cared for it.
After the King’s speech, Grass Hut Spokesperson, Kooky Cocoa offered this added insight: “King Dork says he is sick and tired of subjects who waste money on big birthday parties…money that he needs for his Swiss bank account and to buy shoes for Queen Nerdy.”
Off the record, which I am now recording, Kooky said some insiders predict King Dork and his goofy programs are destined for the despots’ depot, the station where men such as he end their greedy trips.