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Rated: 13+ · Script/Play · Arts · #1388353
Leap into my arms, you bearded goddess, you
The Death of an Insignificant Shepherd.

The Players:

The Insignificant Shepherd--- The star of the show. A big thing with an ugly face (Shepherd)
The Breasts--- firm but in a frankly conservative way
The Fox--- Sneaky as ever.Big as ever, too--the size of an elephant at least
The Fabulous Play--- The kind you always wanted to see
The Mother--- Whose mother, you ask? Everyone's. And no-one's.
The Old Bitch--- About ninety-four years old. Talking leather puppet woman in a cloak

Scene 1
A desert in a seashell
Shepherd stands at centre-stage for about 10 whole minutes. He does not make a move until the 10 minutes are up. When he's done waiting, he dies. He just drops there in the middle of the stage. He falls graciously to his insignificant shepherd's death. After another 10 minutes, enter Breasts and the Fox, copulating in a rolling ball of furious kinetic energy

Fox (alive and well, thank-you-very-much): Go away and fulfill your destiny, breasts.

Breasts (scared of the promise the future may bring): Oh, fox! Oh, fox foxes foxy foxing fox...You know I could never leave you! Why do you keep shooing me away? Ma vie est suffisement belle seule avec toi, mon cher copain. I want to stay with you forever.

Enter the Old Bitch. Enter her splendidly, and do a good job of it

Fox (wiser than a thousand know-it-all King Solomons): Don't tell me how to live. Don't tell me how to love. Only tell me where to do these things--the how of the matter is up to me to know, and only me.

Old Bitch (all bitchy and old): Bah! You're full of shit and don't you know it, eh Fox? Fox, foxes foxy foxing fox? Stop giving advice to the Breasts and tickle my wishes the way you used to.

Breasts (taken aback): Easy, now, old bitch. He is my lover. I am his lover. We are each other's lovers, in fact, and we are engaged to be married whenever, wherever, and by whatever means possible. You old-bitch types ruin the world. You are surely pawns of the Devil.

Old Bitch (really? Do continue): Yeah, I don't think so.You and he should both be ashamed of yourselves. I should be ashamed of myself. We should all be ashamed of you, the fox, me, ourselves, and everything.

Fox: We're already ashamed. That's why we entered the stage copulating in a great rolling ball of furious kinetic energy.

Old Bitch (rueful): Aw! I missed another one of those? You never include me--either of you. I'm beginning to think you neglect me on purpose.

Breasts: We're sick of your company.

A great thunderclap. Everyone on stage dies, but it doesn't matter because they get right back up again. Especially the Old Bitch. She's spry, and you were probably wrong to underestimate her.

Fox (suddenly calm): What happened?

Old Bitch: The fabulous play's coming, that's what. Look, he's coming in now.

Enter the Fabulous Play

Fabulous Play: You people should go somewhere else.


Scene 2
In Front of a Frown
The Fabulous Play has disappeared, but the rest of the characters--the Shepherd included--are in the same place they ever where.

Enter the Mother

Mother (a bit reminiscent of the Old Bitch): Wow. You actually listened to him? That's weird.

Fox (evil in a good way): What do you mean?

Breasts (gasping for air; to the Fox): I...I think she just insulted you!

Fox: No! you didn't just insult me, did you?

Breasts (drowning; to the Fox): I think she did.

The Breasts drown

Old Bitch (to Mother): Oh, don't worry about this. It'll all clean itself up just fine. You know--it's like an electric oven.

Mother (nothing at all like an ostrich): I still think it's funny you all listened to the Fabulous play. You know what he is, right?

Fox (beginning to drown too): Yeah, I read about that somewhere.

The Fox, followed by the rest of the cast, drowns


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