this is how i have been feeling i cant talk to friends about it this is not for sympathy
| My life is not as bad as many other people’s lives. I have a supportive father and the best friends a person could ever ask for. But I have a mother who verbally abuses me on a daily basis, I am the complete opposite from everyone in my family, therefore a majority of me family members cast me out, and I have been the butt of jokes of every kid and teacher through out my K-12 education. I have come to hate myself, and because I hate myself I hide myself from others and this allows no one to get close to me. So yes I have bad things in my life but there are many, many other people in the world that have these same situations and even worse situations, but since I am clinically depressed (passed on genetically by me family) I see no good in my life only the negative and I double it. This of course frustrates me because I know that there is so much happiness in my life but I am unable to enjoy it.
I am a closeted lesbian, I hide the fact that I am not completely enjoying myself when I’m with my friends, I tell no one how I am truly feeling because I do not want to be the bummer in my group of friends, and I hate it! I wish I could be open about my sexuality but I fear I will lose my friends, especially Nadine. Before I go off about her let me explain something about myself, I do not like girls my on age. I like older women, that’s it, older women. So for me to like someone my own age (like Nadine) they have to be very, very special. So what makes Nadine so special, well besides the fact she is drop dead gorgeous she is also smart so we can sit down and have a logical conversation. She also has my kind of sense of humor so we are always having fun; she has the most sweetest, amazing voice that it is just like hearing an angle sing. We are both honest with each other (except for me being gay) so we are very close, we are alike in areas that allows us to enjoy each others company, but where we are different we make each other stronger. Do you understand what I mean? I am a socket and she is a plug, she completes me where I need to be completed. So you can see why I like her so much. So why don’t I go after her and ask her out, well that is where the problem and the fear of losing her comes in. She’s straight; she is hard core, penis man loving straight! So I can never be with her in that way no matter what. I am happy she is in my life and I would like it to stay that way. One day, hopefully, I will get over her, but I cannot help but have this feeling that I am always going to be alone.
So I have a mask that covers who I really am. I love a woman who will never love me. I fear to show my true self to anyone, because I fear that they will betray me in the end. Yet I am opinionated and forceful with those opinions, but I only say them in the shadows and underneath my mask. I am the Phantom in my opera.