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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1417436-Who-stole-my-brain
by ALEXIS
Rated: ASR · Short Story · Comedy · #1417436
Story of a schizophrenic from his view point
                                          Who stole my brain?


When something is lost, there are only 4 possibilities-
One - You never had it in the first place
Two - You misplaced it
Three - It got auto-destructed or somebody destroyed it
Four - Someone stole it

I ruled out the first possibility because I am sure I had one. I remember using it for all the tests I have given. Well, sometimes some brainless teachers have told me that I never had one. But I am sure I had one. How else did I get elected as the president of the U.S? When Queen Sheba from the Eastern lands came to visit the U.S, I remember remarking to her highness that she looked charming in that dress of hers. How can I appreciate beauty if I did not have a brain? Or how else did I answer all those questions that she asked me to test my knowledge? She was clearly impressed by the answers that I gave her. So before leaving for her land in her Concorde, when she hugged me and congratulated me on the way I ran the country, she invited me to her land to have dinner sometime in the future.

Now does anyone who is unbiased and having a sound mind say that I never had a brain?

The second option - I misplaced it.
This is one option that I think is logically possible.
After I read in the "brain Journal" that the brain inside the skull was more like a jelly than a solid organ, I was terrified. I already knew that there were many holes in the base of the skull. What would I do if my brain herniated through those holes and managed to reach my gut and got excreted out?
Aha! I know better....So I bought a bucket into which I place my brain every afternoon after I had stopped using it. Did I misplace the bucket?  I am not sure. So I called the entire police force and set them to find the bucket with the brain for me. As usual, they failed in the task and so I fired them.
Then I decided to call Sherlock Holmes and Hercule Poirot to solve the case. After scanning through all the nook and corner of the White House they came to the conclusion that I had not misplaced my brain.


The third possibility was not very strong to become the object of suspicion.
How many brains had auto- destruct and went "KABOOM" when somebody other than its owner touched it?
Did somebody from the White House itself destroy it? That holds a 50% probability. Not everyone liked me, you know. There were many hoodlums trying to impeach me from the post of the President of this exalted nation, anti-social agents who believed that what the nation required was motor powered bicycles and milk supplements. Huh! there are much better things to do, say playing poker! Thinking about poker reminds me that the culprit could be Mr Hamilton, the chief secretary of the U.S.  After I had beaten him fair and square in a game of poker last Wednesday, he had lost his cool and left immediately. Maybe he is jealous of me and my brain that he desperately stole it! So I subjected him to a lie detection test. Sherlock Holmes personally conducted it and he gave me in writing that Hamilton is not the culprit.

Now I am only left with one option. Someone stole it!
Who had dared to steal the brain of the president? Who could have slipped past the securities of the White House? Or is my security in charge playing a role in the abduction of my brain?
And how do you suppose someone stole my brain after opening my skull bones while I was sleeping? I am sure that I did not leave my brain in the bucket because my secretary had forgotten to wash it. Or did he gain access to my brain through my ear canal? I decided to do an experiment and see. I took a pointed forceps and inserted it inside my ear canal but before I could reach near the cavity where my brain used to be, the conspirators found me and they told me that I was crazy.
Crazy? Me? Ha Ha .. Just because I lost my brain  doesn't mean that I am crazy. And I also got some residual brain in my skull, you know. No wonder I am so smart!
When I found out that all the police force and the CIA were linked with the antisocial agencies which were trying to ruin me, I decided to contact the FBI. But when I ordered them to find my brain, an officer told me to consult my psychiatrist. Now that was not the answer to what I asked him was it? English must not be his first language!

Lately in a police journal I read that a new squad of police dogs were being trained to "smell the crime." I deduced that if I knew how the dogs could smell crime, I could also do it and find my brain. So I thought and thought and at last I came to the conclusion that the dogs could do it because of the long hair in their nose! Next day when I was coming back from my morning walk I found a  black Labrador standing in the pavement. I caught it by surprise and with a sharp edged metal piece I found lying in the pavement I tried to peel of its nasal hair with the skin. Of course the dog was not cooperative, it didn't know that I was the president! It bit me but I managed to hold on. But suddenly a women came charging like a bull that has seen red, screaming at the top of her voice. I was terrified and I ran away- Maybe she was also a part of the sabotage plan to get me down my chair.

Many days have passed and there was no news of my brain. Also my residual brain was also running out. I had to replace it somehow! I was feeling so desperate. Suddenly I had a brain wave. I went to a hospital and stealthily got down to the basement where the pathology lab was. I was surprised to see that a large number of brains were preserved there in big sick smelling bottles. I chose one of them which was sufficiently large to have a intellectual capacity close to my original brain. But before I could lay my hands on the brain, a caretaker came in and started screaming. I wanted to tell him that I was the president but then I thought that maybe he was also one of them. So I ran off.

I knew that I had only some more days remaining . If I did not find my brain I would be ruined. So that day,at night I took my gardening instruments and went to the cemetery. I dug a coffin out. It was hard work but I managed to do it. I pried open the coffin and I saw the body of old lady inside. Thank God, the body was still intact! I smashed opened her skull and put my hands inside and my fingers touched a slimy mass - the brain! I pulled it out and in the moonlight I saw it - my beautiful brain. I smelled it- it smelled like eu de cologne! I held it in my hands and laughed out loud.

The caretaker of the cemetery must have had very keen ears. He heard me laugh and came running into the cemetery with some other people.They flashed their lights at me and saw me sitting beside the coffin with the brain in my hands.
" Yuck" I heard someone say. Brain is not yucky and especially not my brain, so I charged at him but they were many and they managed to overpower me and tie with ropes.
After sometime the police arrived and I was relieved. At least they knew that I was the president, I thought. But I was mistaken, they were also with the malefactors who were trying to ruin me. In spite of my shouting and telling them that I was the president, they took me to the jail and locked me up. How dare they lock the president up? In the first place, I had appointed them. Ungrateful creatures! And they also had the cheek to tell me that I had lost my mind?
The next day they took me to a place which I don't remember seeing  before. They told me that they were taking me to a person who can help me find my brain. How sweet of them, I thought and gladly went with them.

I went inside and saw a sweet old lady with beautiful white hair and wearing a black gown seated in a high chair. She asked me a couple of questions which I answered correctly.
But contrary to what I thought, she said that I had really lost my mind!
I said "Dear sweet lady, don't you know that the mind is in the brain and since I lost my brain, how can I retain my mind? Why don't you help me find my brain?"
She looked at me with a puzzled expression in her eyes. I thought that she did not understand my question and so repeated it. But this time I told her very plainly that if she couldn't find my brain within six weeks time, I would banish her from the country.
That worked. She mumbled something and asked the police to take me away. They told me that I needed rest and that they were taking me to the White house. But they took me to a place where most people acted as if they had lost their brains too.
A tall guy came and told me that if I didn't do what he told me to, he would send thunderbolts from the heavens and destroy me as he was the Lord God.
Ha! tell me who is more powerful- the president or the God?
Once the sweet old lady finds me my brain, the first thing I will do would be to banish the "god" from the face of earth.
Some weirdo with a big beard and mustache came to see me and told me that I was shifted here because there was threat to my life.
They gave me some plainclothes and let me look myself in the mirror. I was horrified! All my clothes were torn, No wonder nobody recognized me. They showed me my room. It was quite small but since my safety was at risk I decided that I would adapt into it.

I heard the police telling a man in white gown that I had lost my mind and that I thought that I was the president of the U.S whose brain had got stolen.
" Poor man! I wonder what he was before he cracked," the man in the white gown said and they left me. What??? I did not "think" I was the president but I was and still am the president. I screamed at them, but they had already gone.
It has been sometime since I was here but I don't know how long but I am still waiting for the old sweet lady to turn with my brain. May be she is having difficulty with her weak eyes! 

Are you young and having good vision?
Yes? Then why don't you help the old lady in finding my brain for me?
After all I am the president, you see...


Greetings countrymen(and women),

The President.



To The Readers,

Readers might think that this piece of writing is comedy.But from the viewpoint of the "President", this is indeed a very important piece of message.......Wishing you all the best for the "brain search".
Do take this seriously or else the President might fire you as well.

Yours sincerely,

Dr.Alex Diazo eccentrin,
Part time secretary and full time Psychiatrist to the "President of the Exalted Nation"


© Copyright 2008 ALEXIS (stezin at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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