by bee rivers
A story of an erased life, the unknown, and love.
| I'm looking down at my hands and they don't seem familiar anymore. They look older. My nails are short. I like to have long nails. Where have I been? And for how long?
Where am I? This place isn't familiar. It looks like an old warehouse. Definately abandoned.
I can't find a mirror so I'm examining parts I can see for myself. My stomach is flat again. Empty now. My breasts are a bit smaller, and my legs seem to be scrawny. And strong. I have now got muscly legs, I must be dreaming. My feet are so dirty. Have I been running?Was I being chased? I don't get it.
I can see a window, brilliant I'll see if I can see my reflection. Oh god, I look a mess. My hair is just disgusting, and my eyebrows need plucking and oh my god, my teeth. My breath stinks, I can taste it. What the hell have I been doing?
3 months later.
I'm still not clear about what happened, at all infact. I've cleaned up though and I'm trying to get on with my life, so I've got a job and I'm staying with a lovely family who took me in.
You see, I was so scared and confused, I didn't know what had happened, so I went to hospital where I collapsed and started having a fit. The nurse there was very sympathetic whereas the others thought I was a hopeless druggie. Her name is Karen Davies and she is the wife of Pete and the mother of fiona and Gareth, and the savior! I l'm living with them until I'm sotred in my life and I can afford to get my own place.
So, I work at a shop in the new market hall called daring fashions. It's far from couture I'll tell you. And daring it is. It pays I guess and you get some interesting folk around there.
I got the job because I was passing through the market and spotted a girl stuffing a garment into a supermarket carrier bag. I went over and grabbed the bag from her and handed it to the shop owner. She was very happy and asked if I knew how to use a till, and I did, so I gave her a hand that day. She then decided she could afford to let me run it while she played business owner at home.
I'm not working today however because I've got an appointment at the hospital with my gynaecologist. You see, I was pregnant and then when I lost my memory I wasn't so I have had tests galore and I'm getting the results today. I wanna know what happened.
ONE HOUR LATER.
Well. That solves that. My baby was forcebly removed. As in terminated. Except the manner in which it was done has left extensive scaring around the cervix. Apparently the wound was made with an object unidentifiable, which leads them to believe that it was sacrificial with a home made weapon, as no proffessional or sane person would do this. Fabulous. So now I've got hypnotherapy sessions to go to, as well as more scans and tests and now the police are involved. Oh joy. Well at least they believe me now!
I think I need a nice warm drink. I'm going for a monster hot chocolate with a toffee biscuit from the lounge coffee house. The best coffee house in town. Then I'm going home to bed. Early start tommorrow, got deliveries at the shop.
I'm so tired. I was awake all night. What the hell happened to me? The last thing I remember was Easter sunday last year.
I was relaxing in the bath when I could hear knocking at the door and the phone began ringing aswell so I got out of the tub, put my dressing gown on and went downstairs. No one was at the door and the phone was off the hook. At this time I was 6 months pregnant so I was really panicking and Moved quite uncomfortably also. I shut the door and bolted it and Grabbed my mobile to phone my boyfriend when there was a bright light and then I went to sleep.
And then I woke up naked in a Warehouse at the opposite end of the country. Don't know how. I ripped a curtain down from the window I used as a mirror and wrapped it around me as a dress. I was in the town luckily so I got directions to the hospital easily.
I haven't a clue what my then boyfriend is doing or where he is. The incident happened eighteen months ago. I lost my baby, boyfriend, house, belongings, car, clothes, everything. I do not know how I could lose all that and not know what happened to me.
I went back to my house a few weeks ago when I could remember where it was. Two hours on the train. I went alone.
The house was a victorian semi, with front garden and back. Big bay windows and a drive to a single garage. It was gorgeous. I got it with my boyfriend Brian. His Aunt sold us it for a really good price. It was our nest.
And then I stood before this black building, charred. Charred beyond belief. There was no garden left. The garage had just collapsed. And the windows had exploded. It was surrounded by flowers and police crime barriers. It looked like I was looking at my own grave. I read a message on one of the wreaths. It read "I will miss my little babies, you'll always be in my heart and my thoughts, love mummy". That's not for me I thought. And another mentioned "little Milly", not Brian or myself. So he had left.
I suppose I have thought about finding him, but I'd be gutted if he's settled and happy with someone else. What if he forgot me? He was lovely. A real man. He was six feet and three inches. He had a big strong physique. So beautiful. His eyes wer bright blue and you could just drown in their oceanlike beauty. I could just die in his arms.
We met when I was a waitress in a grotty cafe, trying to fund my studies. He walked in whilst I was pouring a cup of tea.I just stared at him until the lady I was serving pointed out that I had poured tea all over the counter! He chuckled to himself, and gave me a wink. I shivered and couldn't stop grinning.
He came in the next day, and the day after, until he just asked me out. I said yes, of course. Within a month we were in love, and I was living with him seven weeks after our first date. Three years passed and we decided a baby was our next step.
We tried for the best part of six months until I fell pregnant. We were over the moon. We got engaged also and planned to marry on my june birthday, just a month before the expected birth time. I loved the idea of my beautiful baby bump being there on our wedding day, I went for all my fittings and it was so hard so I opted for an empire line lace and organza gown, so I could keep growing without it affecting my dress.
The police think I'll get my memory back, or at least flashbacks of what could happen, if I spend time in my hometown. I know it'll help. I'm just scared. I have lost my child in a rather violent way and it happened somewhere between there and here. I'm worried for my safety. I'll no doubt have police protection so at least I'll be safe. I'm going to do it. Finally I might find out.
I contacted the police. I'm leaving for home on monday, three days away. You don't realise how frightened I am. On a plus note, I did lots of work whilst day dreaming,thinking, and chatting. I'm getting a pay rise next week so That's good and my boss is cool about me taking a week off for personal reasons.
I'm very guarded as far as my emotions go. I don't tell passers by my problems so to speak. I have never had a stable home life so I never tell anyone about my family life, because it changed so much growing up that I was accused of lying where I lived, and who with. The truth is that I was put up for adoption by my birth parents, whoever they are. I was fostered by eight different famillies between the ages of two and sixteen. I then went to a hostel on my own and got on my feet. I paid my way and I had a good time, however lonely I got at times.
Right, I'm going to sleep now, think of some places to go, maybe dream about the whole thing and not even have to go. Night.
So, I'm here. I went past my old school, the park I went to, my house again. I had a can of cola from the cafe I met Brian, and I saw an array of memories just set in stone.
I went to all the places I used to go where I knew people. I didn't recognize anyone. It was as though someone had moved all the residents out and new ones in. So strange. I knew loads of people. I had friends everywhere. The story has twisted more.
I went into the birth clinic, and asked for my midwife, well the lady who was my midwife. She came out of a room in the back, the first person I recognized. "Boy, am I glad to see you!" I said. She gave me a really vacant look and asked if she could help me with anything. I asked if she remembered me and she didn't. Never mind, I thought. Let her check her files. That'll jog her memory.
No records of that name. So. Do I exist? It feels like I dreamt this place up and I never lived here at all. The midwife has offerred to do some tests so they can see if I was filed under another name. See how that goes.
Tommorow I'm going to the adoption agency, they'll remember me, I was going through them for fourteen years.
Even better. The old woman at the agency didn't know who I was. She had no record of me. She sat there on her fat behind like she has from the beginning of time, telling me I never went through them. I told her the names of all my foster parents. Every address I lived at, and they were all correct. She just had no record of me.Her eyebrows raised however when I told her about the first time I met her.
I was two years old and It's my first ever memory. I had wondered off from my birth mother, and found myself on a roundabout in the middle of a busy road. She pulled up and got me and called the police. She gave me a carton of orange juice and a flapjack. When the police came, she followed and sat with me at the station, before proceeding to take me back to 'happy people' adoption agency and emergency care facility. I got a bedroom, and friends. It was wonderful. She didn't remember. I was gutted.
I officially don't exist. This was originally a memory regaining trip, it's turned into a trip to try and prove my existance.
I went to the registery office, they had no record of my birth, and I don't have a copy of my certificate. The woman was so rude. She treat me like an idiot. I clearly know where I was born, it's just such a funny joke to pretend you were born somewhere else, I've taken a week off work to have this laugh. Sarcasm gets me by. I stormed out and collapsed on the footpath crying. It seems that someone or a gang of people has erased my whole life. What do I do?
The last two days have been obscene. I saw Brian. He was in the cafe. He smiled at me. I ran up to him and hugged him, whist crying. He seized up and pulled away. He didn't know who I was. I fell to the ground sobbing.
He crouched down, held my hands, and looked into my eyes. He asked if we'd ever met. I denied it and said that he looked like someone I once knew. He sat me down next to him and went and got me a hot chocolate and a sausage and egg sandwich. I tucked in and it hit me. It hit him aswell. How did he know what to get me? We were puzzled. After swapping numbers he had to dash as He had to pick his fifteen month old daughter up from playschool.
Apparently, he woke up one morning to a knock at the door, and when he answered, there was a little baby girl. There was a note which read;
"I'm sorry Brian, I'm a coward. This angel is my life but I am not ready for a child. I know you'll do the right thing. You are the father. Her name is Topaz, she is fifteen months old. Her birth day is the 12th of july. Please love her and make her life perfect. x"
He explained that he had only one partner in the past four years and she went missing and wasn't pregnant. He thought it might be a hoax. The DNA tests came back and she was his.
Sad story. I'd never give up my child.
To make things wierder, I got my blood test results. Apparently they are needing to re-test me as my blood has shown up to be of unknown origin. As in not human. What's that about? I sat there while she took the blood out of my arm with a needle and they're claiming I switched the samples. Yes, clearly. Another of my little pranks, I'm a little terror I am, watch out.
So I have enough information to dictate the simple fact that I am an extra terrestrial whom doesn't exist. If only it were that straight forward.
I gave Brian a call. I asked him if he wanted to meet up for a drink. He said yes. I wanna Tell him. I just don't know if I should and also how to go about it.
The police think I'm a nut. They have witnessed my tests, they know everything and are astounded at my knowledge of places and people, that I've apparently never met. Surely someone has to believe me.
Right. Firstly, I'll tell you about my dream. I had it last night and it really worried me, as stupid and unrealistic as it sounds, it's not so bizzarre anymore.
I dreamt that it was the night I lost my mind, I was laid down On the floor by the front door, after I fell to sleep,as I remembered. And this light shining over me was so bright, I could see it through closed eyes. I could hear voices but they weren't in English and I couldn't really work out what was being said or even what kind of people they were. I then heard drills and strange noises like popping, I assume that was the removal of my child. Then silence. So quiet. I couldn't feel. I never moved. I don't even think I tried to move. I was numb.
And that was it. I don't know where it came from. A great bit of sci fi though. So I might look into hiring an alien detective! Oh. Brian. That's where I was.
I met him at the cafe, and he looked lush. He was wearing a khaki green jumper over black cargo pants, and his army boots. He looked like a really stylish soldier. So back to business. He walked over to me, put his arms around me, and whispered "hey beautiful" into my ear. It was like old times. I felt amazing. He got up and went to the counter, ordered the usual, and sat back down, proceeding to put his arm around me.
He was in a great mood. He had his happy face on. He had this look where he raised his chin and smiled in a way his dimples were more pronounced. I thought I'd be honest with him however and confessed I had something important to tell him. He gave me a quick wink and got up and asked the lady to make our orders for takeout.
We went to the park and in a secluded spot, I told him. He looked interested the whole way and at one point I thought he was about to cry. I hesitated as to how much to tell him but I felt so used to his company that I told him everything. I asked him if he believed me and he gave me a confused look. I told him to ask me questions about himself. At first he ws reluctant but I kept urging him. And I answered everything right. He bowed his head and bit his lip and said, " I once had a dream about living in a house with a woman, I had a car and a kid on the way. Her face. Her face, It's yours. You were in my dream. How do you know these things? Surely we both can't have lost our memory. I don't know what to think. Tell me one thing, just one. Tell me the number of the house we lived at and I'll totally, completely believe you and help you in any way I can."
I looked directly at him. " We lived at number 2978Campbell Close, Fearnton. I've been there Bri. I'm going to show you. Come on."
His face was in shock. I asked how he remembered the number and he raised his trouser leg and across his shin was the number inked into his skin. It's his date of birth. Of course it is, September the second. 1978 he was born. What a coincidence.
Later that afternoon he drove with my directions to our house, he didn't need much help though as he naturally turned left before I said to do so. As we pulled up , he casually glanced over at me and gave me a silly wink and shook his head. He called me a looney. At that point though, I had the most petrifying thought. The baby. Was his baby my baby. I said the words 'the baby' and he knew. We went to pick Topaz up.
We walked through the door, and his mother was stood next to the fire. "Hi love, how are you sweetheart?"She said that directly at me. I smiled at her and looked at Brian.
"Mum, have you met my friend before? We've been friends a while" He looked at her and then looked down at the floor.
She nodded and claimed we'd met years ago back when Brian was at school. I thought she could have made a mistake but she then called me by my name asking me if I wanted a brew, and came back with a hot chocolate, and toffee biscuit. My favourite. Just how she used to give them to me.
Brian cut the little tea party short, making an excuse that Topaz needed sleep, and we drove straight to the hospital.
So that was a pretty big day for me. Lots of action and revelations, DNA test, falling in love again and having tea with an ex imaginary mother in law to be. Classic.
I need to stay here a little while longer. If I want to get to the bottom of this I need to stick it out. And besides, I've got support from Brian. I'll contact the police and let them know I'll stay on at the hotel a while longer and that I don't need any protection on a twenty four seven basis. Also I need to ring my boss and Karen, let them know what is going on. I'm also going to look for a little job here so that I can stay at the caravan park for a few months instead of the hotel. If Topaz turns out to be mine I'm going to get intensive hypnotherapy, a brain scan, lie detectors, and I'm going to find alternative methods of delving into my past, my brain, and my thoughts.
Topaz is my baby. She also has unrecognizable blood, and isn't registered anywhere. Brian has asked me to stay with him instead of the hotel, and I've agreed. I want to be with my family. I don't have many thoughts on it. As wierd as it sounds, I'm not even bothered. I know that's my daughter. I think Brian knew aswell. The facts are too strong. I just needed proof. Now that I have my man and daughter, the rest isn't as important. I want to know because it's a big deal. I don't want to sit back and let it just fade into obscurity. I had my life and memories totally erased.
We took Topaz to the swimming baths and had a splash around with her little armbands on. She loves me already. She clings on to me and cries when Bri tries to take her. It's wierd. Wierd's an understatement. We had fun today. It was brilliant. This is how I'd have imagined family life.
Tommorow I'm going to a secret society that specialize in the testing and research of extra terrestrial facilities. They heard about my story through the police. You see when the police are baffled they send cases through to sub sectors that specialize in certain areas. They rang me and said something about changes in the constellations easter last year and previously unheard signals came through their systems, also that time, and until they heard of my story, they thought it a mistake.
Brian is behind me all the way. He believes me and thinks that whatever has been done to me, has been done to him also. Which I also believe. It's like a major memory wipeout occured. His mother however. She knows who I am and she didn't realize I'd gone. She thinks I'm Brians fiance and that I never left. I asked her lots of questions about the past and she answered exactly how I did.
I'm on my way to the address the society gave me. They're called U.O.T.I, which stands for unknown occurences and technology investigations. I've left the family at home and Brian has put me on the car insurance so I'm driving there today. A driving licence is one thing I do have. I took that test almost immediately after waking up from the memory loss.
Ok, Davenport street. This looks like an industrial estate. Surely it isn't here. It looks a bit unsafe. I reached for the card with their contact number to give them a call to confirm the address. The card was blank. It's as though I'm not supposed to be here. Or is it a trap? Do I risk it? I'm rather dubious as to why I'm getting out of the car. I'm locking it and walking towards the door.
I've knocked on the door. No ones coming. I'm tough. I'll just walk in and expect the unexpected. Here goes. Got it's dark in here.
I walked around the building and I got to a room, where there was a group of people sat around a dim lighted table and they were all quite casually dressed, very clean nonetheless. I saw a shelf by the door with lots of bottles on it. It looked like stock. They were pills. Trauma pills. So these are the people who attacked me. They gave me trauma pills so I'd forget. They must have administered a massive dose, enough to send me into coma. My blood felt cold. I was drugged. My baby might have been drugged. Everyone I'd ever met had been drugged. To forget me.
I crept through the shadows, listening to them speak. They were calling people subjects and they were trying to immitate an alien attack. So they're the jokers. What about my blood. How am I still alive? And Topaz too.
I then approached the 'theatre'. They had a theatre in there, where they did their experiments and torturous acts. A man was laid out, he looked dead. There was a woman who was like diluting his blood. She was pumping stuff in and diluting it also. What was going in? I need Brian to be here. I'll get killed if I get caught.
I waited under the desk until the lady left the theatre, and I grabbed some samples of the liquids, and put them in my bag. I need to show these to someone. I need to get them tested.
I told Brian what had happened and he was fuming, he wanted me to take him there, I thought it too risky though so I have organized for some tests for the samples with the police and I'm going down to the labs with Topaz for our blood to be examined. I gave the police the address to investigate them.
This gets worse by the second. I'm stumped. Truly numb and I'm scared if I'm totally honest. I'm scared. I just want to get my life back and do normal things.
There's a high level of chemicals in my blood and my daughters also. At least they believe me now. I've requested a full blood transfusion for both of us and the hospital has agreed as the chemicals could be damaging to our body. Scary.
So here's me thinking aliens had come to get me. Haha. It's a bunch of sicko's immitating art. They're gunna get justice for this. How they erase memories of the public I don't know. There will be an answer at the end.
Brians mum is fantastic. She remembers everything about our time together. When I was comatozed or whatever for that eighteen months it turns out she was travelling Australia with a friend and hardly contacted Brian whilst she was there. She was never that great with her emotions, so she never seemed happy to see you even after a year!.
She is so precise. She got out old pictures from the house. She had salvaged everything and did the sale. She said she had a phonecall from Brian saying he had to go away and that the house was for sale but he couldn't see it through and to get the stuff out.
Brian had supposedly lost his mind for a while and ended up in hospital with amnesia. Severe amnesia. His records show that he's absolutely fine health wise but suffered a massive shock that wiped his mind. Guess what that was!
So anyway. Brians mum, Sylvia, showed me all my birth documents, she had my passport, my national insurance number card, everything. Amazing. She also found out a folder from family tree corporation that specialize in locating birth parents for adopted children. I was looking for my mum and dad. I can't remember that. I can't remember them. Just the memory of me wandering off. But I didn't wander off. I've told myself that for years.
I remember what happened. My mother was crying, and my dad was shouting at her to shut up, he was driving. She kept turning to me and holding my hand. She was under lots of stress, I can see her pained face. My dad looked ill. I didn't wander off. They drove me as far as they could and couldn't bear it anymore. My dad pulled up, and got out. He picked me up, kissed my head and put me down and told me to sit still. My mother was screaming and crying and the door was locked so she was stuck in the car. They drove away.
So something must have been that bad for them that they had to run away but too dangerous to take me with them. Things are starting to make sense. Maybe it isn't a ploy to forget me. But to forget my parents. I'm a threat if I can remember and That's why I'm in trouble.
I told Sylvia what I thought. She raised her eyebrow and bit her lip. She was hiding something. What was it? I urged her to confess. She stood up and walked to her sideboard. She opened the drawer and pulled out some opened envelopes. They were from the family tree corporation. They had been located. It was a strictly confidential request and was done through a friend at the company as they had requested to never be found.
I picked up the phone and rang my mum.
She is alive. He is missing. He went away on business three years ago and never came home. She was very calm to say the least. As though she expected it. I'm curious now. I have arranged to go and see her. She lives in Scotland, on a little Island in the far far north. I told her I had something to tell her and that it was highly unbelievable but one hundred percent true. She said she knowws and also had some things to tell me. Before she put the phone down she told me not to be scared anymore. I don't know why.
I spoke to my mother. My real mother. Mum, Mummy, mother, mumsie, or mam? What would I call her? Her real name is Harriet Mckenzie. My fathers name is George Mckenzie. I have a sister named Fiona, who lives in Newcastle with her foster parents, and also have a big brother who is in edinburgh but is imprisoned for something or other. She never said. I have a real family. Wow. This is bizarre.
I went around to Sylvias with Bri and Topaz, to thank her. I invited her on my trip to see my family, but she said it was best me and Brian went alone. So she was looking after Topaz and we were planning our journey for the next day.
ON THE ROAD.
We're taking it in turns to drive, Brian's asleep at the moment bless his heart. We're currently on the M1 through Nottinghamshire. Long way to go. We're calling at Newcastle to see my sister, She's been given the story and is very excited. She's only sixteen bless her.
I'm very optimistic. I am expecting the most ridiculous things. I've been through a turbulent time of late so I'm not expecting anything normal.
Bloody hard to find. Got it now though. It's a bit grubby around here. She lives in crap. Brian kept a tight grip on me. We rang the doorbell, that didn't ring. So we knocked on the door.
She is very much like me with the black hair and brown eyes. She has a longer face and a wider nose than I. She is really tiny however. She's five feet three inches and about a uk size four whereas I am five feet ten inches and a uk size twelve. So there's a drastic difference from far. She's a lovely little thing and is very happy to have company. She pleaded with me to take her to mums but I couldn't. I had my own stuff to do. I promised that I'd come back in a week or so and go away for a week with Topaz too.
THREE DAYS LATER.
I'm on my way home now. We had an interesting time. She is a bitch. That woman is an evil selfish bitch. It's all her fault. I'm in shit because of her. Thanks a lot.
I got there and was gobsmacked how different she looked. She dyed her hair bleach blonde, along with her eyebrows. She had lost heaps of weight and her skin was so much darker. She looked good don't get me wrong but this English tourist in Spain look was a far cry from her dark hair and pale skinned image she sported all those years ago. I towered over her. She told me I was like my dad.
She and my father were head of a company they built up that specialized in alternative therapies and surgeries. Wierd hippy shit. They invented a drug called Endoplomohaderpol, which was formulated for victims of trauma to make them forget. So they went on selling it on the black market. The humanity department heard of this Endoplomohaderpol and went in search of this super drug undercover.
They were appalled basically. When my parents got wind of the investigation, they took the drugs and ran off. They took over a new factory and took their experiments to another level. You see, my mother had been the victime of breast cancer but the hospital didn't, in her eyes, help her enough. She felt she would die so my Dad who is a surgeon. Cut out the cancer for her. She and he lost their faith and vowed to spend their life helping others who felt the same. Desperation caught them however when they were running out of money and boredom set in. My father began working for the hospital, and stealing drugs also. He would go through the files and ring patients to send them to their practice, and not the hospital. They had human guinea pigs and this was an amazing opportunity to make money. They charged high prices, but did beautiful work.
They began torturing when a patient questioned their skills and practice. They did some obscene things to him, and then administerd a deadly dose of Endoplomohaderpol causing him to die on the table. They buried the man, and kept it quiet. They had trained up many staff, but none of them knew of the death. The staff were paid low and were told to do some horrific things, but were threatened with death if they should leave or spill about the goings on inside.
After a while, the staff got together and they forced my parents out. They had become major enemies. They left me around that time. I had another sister, a twin, who was killed by the Endoplomohaderpol drug, as one of the staff members gave her a dose that would send her to an eternal sleep. They didn't want to risk the rest of us. So they dropped us off at differnet times and places, throughout the country.
They turned into hideaways, while the staff became something totally different, they took the original ideas and turnd them even more severly twisted than my parents became. My parents had created an army of monsters. A cult. They were evil, but only by the hands of those who brought me onto the Earth.
I am disgusted. I can only guess why my brother is jailed, with blood of those two running through him. I don't even want to think about anything else. Brian is just wittering on about what to do next. And I told him that I was going to turn her in, and them, I'm going to tell them everything. They deserve justice. I have suffered and so shall they.
THREE YEARS LATER.
The court has heard that my mother has been imprisoned for fifteen years, and the staff have been jailed for twenty. My father was never found. He is neither living, nor dead. Me and Brian are married, and Topaz is four and a half. She's a monster. So naughty, But god damn cute. Sylvia sadly passed away a year ago, she lost her battle with bowel cancer, but had us all around her. My sister Fiona is pregnant to a drug dealer who was a friend of my brothers from prison. The joys! My brother is coming out next month so I'll look forward to getting to know him properly and helping him stay straight. Him and Brian are going to join the local football team, good luck to that!
Me and Topaz, or Tina as the little twurp calls herself, had our blood transfused and got really ill for a while but we're all fine now and have finally got medical records. I am doing an open university degree in Fashion and Art, and I'm converting it to a final year course starting next September. So one year in uni while Topaz is in school and I'm qualified for my fashion business. Hooray.
It looks like life is peachy as possible. I love it. I've got what I always wanted. I'm a smug, smug cow. xx