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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1421344-The-Middle-Ages
by RVP
Rated: E · Other · Comedy · #1421344
A brief, humorous look at what it's like to suddenly feel your age!
  I never saw it coming.  I had no reason to suspect that it was any where in my general vicinity. No signs. No warnings. No post-it note of caution.
  The onset of middle age snuck up on me and BAM! Suddenly, I'm not a kid anymore. I am not prepared. Sure, I have a full bottle of Motrin, a heating pad and ace bandages. But I will never need these tools of old age and convalescence. I'm  invincible. Nothing can hurt me.

    I believed this to be the gospel truth, until I pulled a muscle bowling. Not playing a pick-up game of football or during an intense game of 3-on-3 basketball; bowling! It was at this moment the harsh reality of middle age came crashing home. The icing on the cake was the muscle involved, namely the right glute. That's right, I pulled a butt muscle bowling.

  Walking and even sitting caused intense pain for days. When asked by friends and coworkers as to the cause of my irregular gait, I told them the truth. I had pulled a hammy during my daily five-mile run.

  Since that nadir of my existence, I have noticed several other frightening omens of middle age. Bending over to tie my shoes, for instance can cause light-headedness due to a lack of oxygen. And there is no polite way to say this, but now occasionally when I cough or sneeze, air exits me elsewhere. This can also happen as a result of lifting something heavy.

    This can‘t be happening. I thought these kinds of things only occurred in nursing homes and retirement communities.

  What's next? Will I start wearing a hat while I drive? Will I begin to admonish the youth of today for their loud music? Or God forbid, will I suddenly feel the need to carry my wallet in my front pocket and wear my pants somewhere just above the navel?  Black socks with sandals? A curmudgeonly cry of "Hey you kids, get off my lawn!"

    So what now? Do I take up the cross of middle age and drag it(crosses are too heavy to carry) proudly onto the battlefield of life? Or do I fight tooth and nail to regain the vigor and virility of my youth?

"I will not go quietly into that dark night", etc.

  I think not.  I'm tired  and don't know if I have the energy to fight back. And to what end? What will my net gain be? Might I recover the strength of my twenties? Will I increase muscle control where it seems to be lacking? Unlikely.

    I have a wife who loves me just the way I am. Besides, I can buy a bigger size pant without the weeping and gnashing of teeth, something that is a near impossibility for some.

    However,  I recently recaptured a part my youth the way many middle-aged men do. I bought a toy. A motorcycle. It's not a Corvette convertible, but it'll do.

  The bike is old but in surprisingly good shape. And fast! You might be surprised at the effect speed can have on someone my age. The bike willingly climbed  to 125 mph, with me on it. Once. I was squealing like a 12 year-old girl at a Justin Bieber concert. I felt young again, temporarily. My body does not like hard seats and confined positions for extended periods of time. Still, riding makes me smile.

    I find lately that I think less and less about my age and infirmities, and more about enjoying each day to it's fullest. I know I am getting older, I just don't care that much. I have a great life and am in relatively good health. I pay my bills and see a doctor on a semi-regular basis.

  Aging hurts, in many ways. I guess it's all in how you deal with it. I choose to ignore it entirely. We'll see how that works.
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