This is a rewrite of another persons sketch. Please comment
|This was the sketch found on the forum
We see a man sitting in his living room watching the telly then suddenly the doorbell rings,
So he gets up to answer it and at the door is a delivery man with a clip board.
DELIVERY MAN: Sign here please sir
MAN: (LOOKS CONFUSED) Erm... whatever for?
DELIVERY MAN: Just sign please!
MAN: Oh ok if you insist (MAN SIGNS)
AS THE MAN IS SIGNING THE DELIVERY MAN SETS FIRE TO A BAG ON HIS DOOR STEP AND RUNS OFF LAUGHING
MAN: You bastard!, come here!
THE MAN STAMPS ON THE BAG TO PUT IT OUT AND POO SPLATS EVERYWHERE
MAN: Bloody delivery men (WHILST RUBBING POO FROM HIS FACE).
And this is my rewrite-
Setting- Outside, on a residential street, hiding behind a hedge row that lines somebody's front garden
The filming is done on a handy cam, with a logo in the bottom right hand corner reading "Debbie's Dirty Deeds", in a bright yellow and red background and font, typical of children's programmes.
Establishing shot- Bright eyed, fresh faced Kids TV presenter Debbie, wearing a red cap with the aforementioned logo adorning the front, and bright marble-dyed shirts. She is holding a big soft topped microphone, with on of those square boxes with the logo on just underneath the head.
Debbie- Hi kids, welcome back to Debbie's Dirty Deeds. Before the break, we told you about Janie, who wrote in to tell us about her cruel dad who made her clean his car whilst he watched football. Well, we've got the perfect plan to get back at her lazy parents. Derrick!
Enter Derrick dressed as a delivery man.
Debbie- We've disguised Derrick here as a delivery man, who's got a very special package for Janie's dad. Show them Derrick-
Derrick, scrunching up his face shows the inside of the bag to the camera, revealing a fat, moist dog turd.
Debbie holds her nose, puffs up her cheeks, and waves the smell away from her face
Debbie- Pooh-ie! That sure does smell. And this is what we're going to do-
Visual changes to very basic computer animation, using white matchstick figures on a blue-print like background, whilst some non-diatonic music, that sounds like a computer calculating, plays in the background. The animation runs as Debbie commentates.
Debbie- Our delivery man Derrick, will walk up the garden path, to the front door and knock.
Animation shows a matchstick Derrick, in a delivery mans hat, walk up a path to a house, and knock on the door. The animated Derrick mimes an exaggerated snigger, looking towards the viewer.
Debbie- When Janie's dad answers the door, Derrick will get him to sign a clip board, and then, quickly get the doggy bag, put it on the floor, set fire to it and run-
Animation shows at fat matchstick Janie's dad answer the door, with a question mark above his head, and then sign the clipboard Derrick presents. The Derrick places the bag on the floor, with odour lines emitting from it, and then sets fire to it, and runs, with a big grin on his face
Debbie- leaving Dad to panic, and stamp out the fire, getting doggy doo all over his foot.
Animation shows Dad with an exclamation mark over his head, look at the flaming bag and stamp on it, causing a small amount of dog turd to splat on the ground and in his eyes, and the word "Splat!" appear above. The Dad figure then weeps, as Derrick laughs and cheers.
Debbie- Right. Ready, Derrick?
Debbie- Let's do it!
Debbie, Derrick and the camera man walk out from behind the hedge, and get a view of the house. They are still hidden slightly, with Debbie just to the left of the shot.
Derrick walks up the path, with his satchel to the side of him (containing the doggy bag), and his clipboard under arm. He reaches the doorstep, and knocks on the door. Janie's dad answers. The camera is too far away to hear any discourse at normal speaking volume.
Derrick presents Janie's dad with the clip board. Janie's dad hesitantly takes it. From a distance you can see that Janie's dad is confused, not expecting a delivery. He signs the clipboard, and hands it back.
Derrick puts the clipboard back under his arm, opens up his satchel, and places it on the floor.
Janie's dad points at the doggy bag, asking what it is.
Derrick gets out a lighter, and goes to light it
Janie's dad stoops down to stop him, shouting at him. Derrick resists slightly, a bit taken a back by Janie's dad's reaction, and tries to light it again.
Janie's dad turns aggressive and rugby tackles Derrick, taking him down successfully, then starts punching him, whilst pinning him to the floor.
Debbie starts screaming for Janie's Dad to stop, and reveals their hiding place in ding so
Debbie- Stop, stop! It's a joke, you're on TV!
Janie's dad's head looks up and spots Debbie and he camera man. He starts yelling expletives at the camera, which are only just picked up by the microphone, and stands up off Derrick. He grabs the doggy bag, and throws it, scoring a direct hit in Debbie's face. She screams, flails and knocks the camera from the camera man's hand, and it falls to the floor.
The shot is still trained on Janie's dad, and Derrick. With Derrick shouting for Janie's Dad to stop, Janie's Dad unbuckles his belt, pull's down his trousers and squats over derrick, whilst Debbie is still screaming
Camera cuts to white noise.
(If you are interested in writing sketch's a =nd bouncing idea's off me, I would love to hear fom you. Send me a message)