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Rated: 13+ · Script/Play · Comedy · #1427303
This sketch took my a whole Saturday. Shame that it's so short! Please rate
Ab Stain

Establishing shot of the outside of a secondary school

Setting-inside of school gymnasium. A class of year 8 children (12-13) sitting on the hard polished wooden floor, with their teacher sitting on a small plastic chair, wearing a long skirt, sensible blouse and jacket. They are watching a small group of performers, Ab Stain, perform an anti-drugs play. Their homemade set piece consists of three large canvasses, all connected to one another, painted with a motif of a brick wall (grey brick), on which has been sprayed inoffensive graffiti. The middle panel has a red door with a 'Keep Clear' written on it, and a metal rubbish bin next to it.
         Performer One is a skinny white boy dressed in an oversized basketball top, baggy shorts, large sunglasses and a big , round Green Peace badge.
         Performer Two is wearing a suit, but instead of a shirt and tie, he's wearing a white T-shirt, and a chef's hat.
         Performer Three is a fat man with a goatee, wearing a school uniform consisting of blazer, shirt, tie, shorts and black shoes.

Performer One (to Performer Three)- So now I'm a multi millionaire, eco rapper

Performer Two (to Performer Three)- And I'm an international, diamond dealing, investment banker, TV chef- all because I believed in myself and stayed away from drugs

Performer One (to Performer Two)- For real

Performer Three- Wow, you guys ARE successful! Well, that does it, I'm gonna stop taking heroin, go back to school, and become an astronought, just like my Dad.

Performer One and Two- Cool

All (turn to audience)- Wicked coo!

All three put their thumbs up, looking at the audience with big grins adorning their faces, and hold the pose

The audience are unimpressed. The there is a mixture of bored, tired, angry, disappointed and insulted expressions, as they all stare on in disbelief.

Their teacher, sharing their opinion, claps slowly, and patronisingly.

Teacher- Wow. I mean really, wow. That was just - awful

All three Performers relax their pose, looking surprised and deflated

Teacher- What did you think that was gonna do? Honestly?

Performer 2- It was meant to teach the kids about drugs

Teacher- How? A white rapper, a TV chef and a fat bloke, who wants to be an astronaught, was it? I'm sorry, but no amount of rocket fuel would get you into space-

Performer Three- Now wait a minute-

Teacher-                                            - what are you doing here anyway? As far as I                    was aware kebabs aren't a drug

Performer Three- It's glandular!

Teacher- Then stop eating people. Look, just go. Go on, get out.

Teacher gets up and starts shooing the Performers out of the door

Performer One- What abut our money?

Teacher pulls out a bottle of purple mentholated spirit from her jacket pocket

Teacher- Here's a bottle of meth, now go find a bridge to drink it under

Teacher ushers them out once more

Exit Performers

Teachers- Bloody community service


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