It's cheesy! Its corny! its cliche! Rated 'E' for lame, semi-plagurised jokes!
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A space drama
-First Mate (F)
Scene I: Cafeteria, Captain and First Mate are lining up for food; Spee is already sitting at a table.
C- Man it’s good to be home!
F- Yes sir, it certainly is. I can finally appreciate the taste of water now
C- I know what you mean. After the Calypso campaign I hope we will get some decent leave. The men defiantly need a good amount of R&R.
F- Especially the mechanical crew, we will all be mourning the loss of 2nd technician Arnold Rimmer. (Captain and first Mate walk over to Spee) Hi Spee, enjoying being back at space command?
C and F sit
S- No! I like space.
C- But surely being at home is better than being off in dangerous situations and life threatening missions?
S- This is not my home.
C- (C’s beeper goes off) 0h, I’m wanted in the mission briefing room. See you all later.
F- See you sir.
F- What did you mean when you said that this isn’t your home?
F- You meant something…
S- No! (S leaves)
F- (Suspiciously) I wonder what that was all about. Maybe he’s always like this? He’s only been on the ship for a few missions. I must remember to go and find out where he was transferred from.
C rushes in alarmingly
C- First mate!
F- Captain, I didn’t see you come in. What did they say at the briefing? Lots of time off I hope?
C- Gather the crew, get to the Existing.
F- Have we been given leave in the Med system sir?
C- There’s action where we’re going, but it isn’t the good kind!
Scene II: The Existing: C, F and S, in the interior of a spaceships bridge, C in middle, higher than others who are in front of him to the left and right
C- Sorry about this men. I know you were all looking forward to a nice long holiday, but UNASA command promised us 6 months in the Med system after this mission.
F- It’s an honour to serve under you sir, isn’t it Spee?
S- (Doesn’t speak, carries on with work)
C- Well, prepare for launch! Navigational systems?
C- Shield operational?
C- Weapons functional?
F- (Looks towards rear of ship) Yep, we got ‘em!
C-Engage forward thrusters. Easy…….Easy….. Activate warp drive and enable warp 1.
F- Warp drive engaged, warp 1.
C- Increase to warp 12
F- Warp 2…3…5…8…11…7…12!
(Time lapse: S and F leaning over a control panel, pressing buttons and moving levers)
F- Mind the asteroids, look out, ALIENS!
C- Stop playing that game and man your stations. First mate, take this down. Captain’s log, star date 94587623.9
F- May the 5th
C- The U.N.A.S.A. Existing has set out on a top secret mission to the 0rtheat system. Purpose: to find the secret weapons expert who has designed a new super weapon that has the power to destroy the galaxy as we know it. We must get these plans and deliver them back to UNASA command before they fall into the wrong hands!
Scene I: Villain and Thug in the interior of another spaceship’s Bridge. V is sitting while T is standing next to him.
V- Hmmmm, well isn’t that interesting?
T- Yes my lord.
V- Silence you fool, that was a rhetorical question! I want this weapon. The galaxy will pay me dearly for their safety. But first, I must deal with those pesky UNASA morons. Plot a course for the Existing! Let’s see how they like my new charged particle cannon! Mwahahahahahahahaha
V- Shut up!
Scene II: 0n the Existing
F- Things seem to running smoothly captain.
C- I don’t like it, it’s quiet. Too quiet.
S- Well we are in space
C- What I mean is that nothing has gone wrong yet.
F- Captain! We have an unidentified star ship approaching off the starboard bow!
C- There we go! Alright, drop out of warp!
F- Aye captain
C- 0pen a com link. Let’s see what they want
F- Com link open sir.
V- (Speaking from offstage) Hello captain, you wouldn’t be looking for a certain weapons expert would you?
C- (Still looking directly at audience) ……No.
V- I don’t believe you. Have fun spending the rest of eternity in….0BLIVI0N!!
C- Quick, deflector shields!
F- They cannot take it sir.
C- Re-route all auxiliary power to the shields! Charge the lasers!
F- Lasers charging…charging…charging…charging…charging…still charging…AHHH, we’ve been hit sir, and the main control panel has blown up!
C- Not only that, our main stabilizers are discombobulating and we are being pulled in by a planets gravitational field!
F- So we’re going to crash sir?!
C- Exactly. Brace for impact everyone. (Everyone braces)
Scene III: Back on V’s ship
V- Curses, I didn’t count on that near by planet. They were supposed to be blown to smithereens.
T- No-one could have survived that sir!
V- For your sake they better not of. Now, to get my riches!
Scene I: 0n the crashed Existing
C- Is everybody 0.K?
S- We must make repairs and get back to UNASA command. We can’t win against whoever shot us down. They are too strong!
C- No, they just caught us unaware, and we can’t go back, we must rescue the weapons expert. If that weapon falls into the wrong hands we, and the entire universe are doomed.
F- What does the weapon actually do sir?
C- (Getting off ship along with F and S) I don’t know exactly, but I do know it’s bad.
F- How are we going to get off this planet? 0ur power core has been badly damaged and both our engines need re-gyro scoping.
C- I have an idea: find me as much seaweed as you can.
C- Yes Seaweed, get going.
F- Yes sir!
S- What ever
Scene II: F and S walking alone together
F- So…… do you like…… stuff?
S- Yep. This is gay!
F- The captain knows best for everyone.
S- Did you ever think he’s not so great?
F- What are you saying!?
Scene III: outside the crashed Existing
F- We’re back sir, with 3 tonnes of seaweed.
C- How did you manage that?!
F- There’s very low gravity on this planet.
C- Well we only needed 7 strands, I fixed everything else with a screwdriver, some nuts and bolts, chewing gum a rubber band and a paper clip. The seaweed’s for the broken fan belt (Captain starts fixing engine)
S- Captain knows best?
C- Well, that’s done, now lets save this expert
Scene I: 0n V’s ship
T- We’re coming up on 0rtheat sir.
V- Excellent. Here, put on this disguise, we can’t make any mistakes.
T- So what is the plan?
V- Well we sneak into the weaponry research facility, hide behind a bush, and when he walks past, we jump out and put him in a sack.
T- Good plan sir.
V- Thanks, I thought of it myself. Let’s go. (V and T leave the ship and hide behind a bush) There, that’s the weapons expert.
T- But he’s a, I mean it’s a…. SHE’S A GIRL!!!!
V- I know
T- If you though she was a guy, how do you know she’s the expert?
V- I read her name tag
(H walks past, V and T jump out, T puts H in a sack)
T- Got her my lord.
V- Good, quickly now, back to the ship!
(V and T with H in the sack get back onboard the ship)
V- Let her out
(T opens sack)
H- Let me go you fiends!!!
V- Silence! Do you know why you are here?
H- I have no idea
V- Well I’ll enlighten you. We are going to use the super weapon you developed to hold the galaxy ransom. I’ll be the richest man in the universe! So hand over the weapon!
H- Do you think I carry it around in my back pocket!?!?!
V- 0h, (points at T) go and fetch it!
(0ffstage) ten awkwardly silent minutes later
T- Got it.
H- Its not finished yet!
V- That’s alright, but I want to test it anyway. 0rtheat looks good!
H- Noooooo, the weapon is still powerful enough to destroy an entire planet!
V- That is good, Fire at will.
T- Who’s will sir?
V- Idiot!!! Just fire the weapon
V- Hahahaha, that was fun, lets find another planet.
Scene I: 0n the Existing
F- Sir, there is an asteroid field ahead.
C- Ahead? But that’s where 0rtheat is meant to be, something terrible has happened!
S- It was the guy who shot you down.
F- (Aside) you?
S- He has captured the weapons expert and the weapon; this is how he destroyed the planet.
C- How do you know this?
S- I intercepted a transmission.
C- 0.K, do you know where they are heading?
S- Co-ordinates, Echo 4-19
C- Right oh, let’s go save the galaxy!
F- We’re coming up on the Abductor sir
C- Activate the cloaking machine
(F gets up and begins to pull a rip cord)
F- ….it’s not working sir!
C- Give it some choke
F- Cloaking machine active
C- We’re going silent (Stage whispering) Prepare to board.
F- Docked sir
(C, F and S change ships, F walks up to a control panel and starts dialling things into it)
F- The computer has told me that there is a prisoner being held on C deck at the stern of the ship.
C- Well, let’s go
(They walk around ship)
F- Sir, we have a problem. The way is blocked by a series of “pounders”. 0ne wrong move and we’ll be flatter than a pancake
C- No problem, we’ll just memorise the timing and make a run for it.
(C, F and S lean to and fro in time)
(C, F and S do a stage roll, and bust into a cell. C goes in while F guards the door)
C- Are you the weapons expert?
F- Captain, she’s a girl.
C- I noticed.
F- Sir, Spee is missing!
C- (Moves out to F) well you go and find him, I’ll take her back to the ship.
F- 0.K (runs off)
C- Are you alright?
H- I think so
C- Good, now let’s get out of here!
(They walk away)
C- You come here often?
C- Sorry, I’m not too good at this small talk stuff.
H- Same. I usually spend all my time in the lab and I don’t get out much.
C- (Moving closer) there is always a first time for everything.
(C and H look into each others eyes, just as F bursts in)
F- No sign of him sir, we may have lost him
(C and H quickly move away from each other)
C- Well we can’t give up hope. (An alarm goes off) That’s our ship alarm! Someone has boarded it. I’ll go check it out, you stay here with her!
F- I’ll wait for Spee as well.
(Time lapse, H and F are talking casually)
H- So, what does your ship look like?
F- (Pointing out the window) Kind of like that one. Wait a minute! Get to the bridge, follow that ship
H- Look, an elevator!
(Both board the elevator and arrive at the bridge)
H- How does it work?
F- Dunno, just push some buttons.
(F presses a button, F and H rhythmically turn their heads from side to side)
H- No, that’s not it. How about this one?
(H takes a cup, drinks and throws it away)
F- Now you’re just being silly, here we go
(F presses button, F and H both fly backwards)
H- We’re gaining on them
Scene II: Split stage, the bridges of both ships on stage, both facing audience
V- Damn, they’re on our tails!
T- Yes sir
F- Fire! Damn, missed.
H- This is so scary
F- Don’t worry; I won’t let anything happen to you.
H- You’re so brave!
V- Curses, I can’t shake them.
F- I wish he would stay still; I can’t get a lock on him!
H- You know, space is 3 dimensional, you don’t have to attack on the same plane
F- By jingo, you’re right. Angle down 30 degrees!
V- He’s coming up underneath us; put the ship into a loop de loop!
F- Where he gone?!?!?
H *Gasp* He’s behind us, and firing his lasers
F- 0ur lasers you mean…
H- What… (Ship gets hit, H and F shudder forward)
F- We’ve been hit, the ship’s falling apart, we need to beam back to the Existing
(F and H stand close together in a corner)
V- Hahaha, got ‘em
Scene II: The hold of the Abductor, F and H are standing as they were for beaming, C tied up in corner
C- AH, first mate, you came
F- Captain! I’m glad you’re 0.K
(F unties C)
C- (Indicates towards H) So….. What was that all about?
C- That, the…..Thing
F- 0h that?
C- Yea, do you….like her?
F- Maybe, do you?
F- You can’t, I do
C- But I do
H- What’s going on?
F- (Shoving in front of C) which one of us do you love?
C- Well it’s not you!
F- Why not, I saved her from the exploding ship and I fought a space battle for her!!!
C- But I rescued her in the first place and I made the daring attempt to save our ship!!!
F- And got captured!
C- I saw her first, and as captain I order you not to love her.
F- You can’t do that!
C- I can
F- Not (hits C)
C- Can (hits F)
(C and F have a big fight)
H- Don’t fight, No!
(During the distraction of the fight T breaks in at grabs H, which C notices, pushing F over)
T- Come quietly and the lady doesn’t get hurt!
C- 0.K, we’ll co-operate, (helps F up)
T- Then come with me
Scene III: another room in the Existing, V is sitting along with S, T lead F, C and S in
F- *gasp* Spee!
V- You never knew? Ha, that’s too funny! He’s been spying on you the whole time.
C- So that’s how you knew about the weapons expert, and how to find us.
F- And you didn’t really intercept any transmission, did you?
V- Hahahahaha, well it’s too late now. (Indicates to S and T) Finish them!
(S and T fight with C and F, V sits laughing while H looks worried. C and F win)
V- Argh, looks like I’ll have to deal with you myself (takes ornamental sword from wall display and swiftly stabs F, who falls to the ground)
C- You bastard!! (Knocks V down, and kneels next to F)
C- Don’t speak, save your breath.
F- (Struggling) Captain, you can have her. It’s been an honour.
(V gets up and lunges at C)
H- Captain, look out!!!!!
(C dodges, and gets his own sword off the wall. C and H have a sword fight, ending with V on his back on the ground, C with his sword to his throat)
V- Please, please have mercy!
C- It seems that you will never learn, that in the fight for justice, good will always prevail! For my first mate! (Kills V, throws down sword) (To H) are you 0.K?
(C and H stand closer)
C- So where to next my beautiful?
H- You’ll be needed back at U.N.A.S.A., won’t you?
C- I know. And I’ll have another dangerous mission waiting for me.
H- Where ever you go, I shall follow!