by Ariel Heart
1020 word article dealing with that critical inner voice we all experience
|Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.
- Patrick Overton
You may ask what is "the inner critic", but you are very familiar with it already. Remember the last time you made a seemingly bad decision and the little disembodied voice in your head whispered knowingly "Way to go! You really messed that up. Haven’t you learned anything? How totally inept can you get." Viola! Enter, stage left, the inner critic. Also known as your "inner dialog" your "scripts or tapes" and some people mistake it for their conscience. Everyone has an inner critic, some have a more aggressive critic than others.
In the "7 Habits of Highly Effective People", Stephen Covey refers to it as the scripts that have been handed to us by parents, society, cultural influence, friends, co-workers etc. It is the concept of how other’s perception of us and our behavior shapes that inner critic so we perpetuate that perception – "it must be so, they see it." People’s perception of us does not make it so. Mr. Covey uses an example from the play "Man of La Mancha" where Don Quixote sees a lovely and virtuous person in a woman of the street. He even gives her a new name, but she can’t see beyond the scripts that have been handed to her for years telling her that she is a shameful creature.
The Patrick Overton quote above shows the perpetuation of such a situation. And it all starts with our inner thought life, our inner dialogue. Dale Carnegie states "Remember, happiness doesn’t depend upon who you are (position, influence) or what you have (money or things), it depends solely upon what you think."
But how does the inner critic come to be, you ask? Actually, the inner critic started out as a very important aspect of our life growing up. I believe I can state without backlash that most all human beings want to avoid pain, all pain, even emotional pain! But you can’t be alive and not have the close calls and occasional brushes with at least some pain – no matter how charmed a life you have. But the developing individual in the child keeps a scoreboard of experience in life as part of understanding the workings of the world. Before long the scoreboard gets a voice, “you know the last time Suzy broke something you took the blame.” Before you know it you have an inner critic who is trying to protect you, keep you from pain of every conceivable kind. A "protector" who takes on a life of it’s own.
So why isn’t the inner critic considered your dearest and closest friend? After all, who else will go to such trouble and gymnastics to keep you safe and out of harm’s way! But here’s the rub, this is where we get the concept of our "comfort zone", better known as our self-imposed prison. Oh yes! That inner critic becomes the jail keeper and you find yourself going through the motions of life never taking the risks or grabbing the opportunities that come your way. And what is life in a prison (no matter how nicely furnished or comfortable)? This is how so very many people live a life full of regrets "if I had only had the guts to try that idea", "If only I had accepted that job." "I always wanted to ____________, if only I had." Or even worse than all the others "I would have really liked to have that life, but I am not worthy."
The inner critic can very easily destroy self esteem, built upon some careless and hurtful word said at some point in our past and the scoreboard keeps a tally of the minutia that supports such a statement! Another example of your inner critic turned your jailer is the tendency to always question your decisions or experience. Do you need to have somebody validate your decisions were good ones or your experience is true or common? This is the inner critic, so-to-speak, out of control.
Now for the true death sentence for the inner critic, ever heard of the "self-fulfilling prophecy?" The theory that, if you believe in a certain outcome, you will act in accordance with your preconceived notion of the outcome in such a manner that you actually bring about just that outcome. So, if your inner critic keeps telling you that you really don’t deserve such-and-such, you are likely to act in a way to make sure you don't get it. An emerging theory that is gaining acceptance, known as the law of attraction says "as within, so without." As your inner dialog/scripts define your "reality" in terms of a self-imposed prison built upon comfort zone fear, then the outer world of form and substance will manifest just that. Essentially, you will attract into your life just what your inner thoughts keep saying!
So, how do you or I stop, or at least change, the inner critic? How do you counter the years of self-programming? Below I give an exercise to start on the path right now, today.
1) The best way to begin is to carry with you a compact notebook and start recording your inner dialog/tapes/critic etc. This doesn’t mean recording blow-by-blow each thought, but it does mean jotting down the general idea. An acute awareness is the first step, so take that travel size notebook everywhere with you. As you take notes in such an analytical approach, you may start to make connections of how such scripts/dialog may have started.
2) A second activity would be to tackle that inner critic and observe what responses it throws in your face. Start by writing down something you want to do that is truly outside your comfort zone and then note each of the thoughts that run through your head in response. Keep writing as long as arguments keep coming up. Can you identify how or where you may have developed such scripts?
These are the first steps in combating and changing that inner critic. To your best self!