by Smiling Jack
A chat between two gentlemen standing next to one another in the men's room.
By Jack Rawlins
“Excuse me. My name is Bernie. I know it’s impolite to talk with your hand full, but I couldn’t help notice that bottle on top of your urinal. Do you always drink beer in the men’s room?”
“Naw, only after I’ve had eight. Then once I start to whiz I spend most of my time recycling right here; I just like to skip all that running back and forth.
“By the by, when you go back to the bar would you ask Luke to send me another with the next guy headed this way? Just tell him it’s for Pecker Head.”
“You have a bladder problem, Pecker Head?”
“Naw. I just drink more than it can hold. Ain’t no problem, though."
“Why do they call you Pecker Head?”
“That’s my name. I had it changed to Pecker Head in 2002.”
“What was it before you changed it?”
“If you don’t mind my asking, why would parents name a kid Obnoxious?”
“Well, sir, I guess I didn’t wait ‘til I was two to get terrible. Started right out the day I was born. They say I slapped the doctor before he could get me upside down to slap my butt. Then I goosed the nurse when she tried to dry me off.
"But that ain’t all: It wasn’t just my behavior; I was born real ugly. Real, real damn ugly! They say I was so hairy the doctor didn’t say ‘It’s a boy, or it’s a girl.’ He said, ‘Hmmm. What have we here?’
“You see, Momma couldn’t read too good and for nine months she’d been sippin’ Daddy’s hair-restorer. She thought it would keep her regular.
“And, Bernie, my folks are right honest. Once they got me shaved, they took one look and couldn’t lie to themselves or anybody else. They both said, ’Oh, Lord, ain’t he obnoxious though?’ Of course everyone agreed.
“So they figured, ‘Oh hell. Let’s just call him what he is because everyone else will.’
“And it didn’t bother me none-- till I started dating. Can you imagine a lady telling her best friend that her date was Obnoxious? That’s when I decided I didn’t want a name that reminded girls--even though I’m real sweet on the inside, mind you--that I wasn’t much to look at on the outside.”
“But why Pecker Head?”
“Two reasons: First, when I was in the Army, my sergeant called everybody Pecker Head. Before they sent me home, I kind of got used to hearing it.
“Second,--and the big reason--I’m from Pecker Head, South Carolina. It’s a itty bitty island near Hilton Head. It’s right pretty. Named after the red-headed woodpeckers that land there every fall on their way South. Those ole peckers like it so much they walk through so as they don’t miss none of the scenery.”
“That’s interesting. Do you ever go back to Pecker Head, Pecker Head?
“Never. Folks down there still think I’m Obnoxious.”