by Brian Chase
A satirical comparison of a small country's bird problem and the War on Terror.
|Ladies and Gentlemen: |
I think I have only sent an email to “All Employees” once, or maybe twice, in my career with GXI, but this is an extreme situation calling for desperate action NOW!
As I’m sure you all read over the weekend, Scotland has finally thrown down the gauntlet and declared WAR against Urban Seagull Aggression. If by chance you missed this ominous report of yet another danger against which our fragile world must now contend, you may review the horrendous details here:
Now I realize that GXI exists as a “for-profit” company, and that the majority of our corporate activities should be confined to that endeavor. But there comes a time when regard for our country, our world, and our fellow man must trump the quest for the almighty dollar and a line in the sand must be drawn: THIS FAR, AND NO FURTHER!
Ladies and Gentlemen, friends and coworkers, as I write this to you this very moment Scotland stands alone against this perilous threat to Humanity, and to make matters worse their leadership has chosen to delay an actual confrontation of this threat for AT LEAST SIX MONTHS!!! As the article states: “The initial battle will be joined in the southwestern town of Dumfries during next spring's breeding season when a special anti-gull "task force" will seek to destroy… the birds”.
Did you read that my friends? Next Spring! Next Spring???!!! Are we really going to sit back and simply let a known and confirmed Enemy Of The People continue to exist among the presence of innocents for SIX MONTHS??? What if we’d given Iraq six more months? Or Afghanistan? Or Grenada? Can we really afford to give this new threat to our collective existence six solid months of peace and comfort within our midst? Doesn’t the mere suggestion of such an atrocity go against the grain of everything America stands for? And shouldn’t each of us do whatever we can to confront this eminent danger here and now?
Now some of you may be thinking that all of this is happening in Scotland, so why should GXI get involved? Well, let me remind each and every one of you that GXI stands for GX International, and also that some of the gravest threats to humanity’s existence have emanated from some of the most obscure places. So I implore each and every one of you to immediately take the following actions and precautions:
1. Call, write, and email you elected representatives urging them to vote for the rapid deployment or our American might against this latest incarnation of evil. If we act quickly enough, we may be able to thwart the winged menace before its awful horror has a chance to alight upon Free Europe’s unsullied shores.
2. Do not, under any circumstances, engage in conversations with, or give aid or comfort to, seagulls, sea hawks, or any other ocean-going birds of any kind. We do not yet know the full extent of this terrorist network; the most innocent gesture on our part could lead to disastrous consequences. It’s no secret that for years these birds have loved to congregate at airports and we may just finally be coming to understand why.
3. Start to keep detailed, but clandestine, notes on anyone you know who tends to root for the Seattle Seahawks this year, especially in games against the Cardinals, Falcons, or Eagles, and extra-especially against the Jets or the Patriots.
4. Pray and never lose hope. Urban Seagull Aggression can and will be conquered. No enemy has ever been able to withstand the collective will of a committed American Resolve.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the world’s Masters of Evil have all finally revealed themselves: Osama Bin Laden, the President of Iran, and little gray seagulls!
Don’t be fooled by innocent looking eyes or cute little antics, and beware of sneak attacks coming from all possible quarters. Those of you near oceans and beaches must remain extra vigilant, keeping squeegees and wash fluid in your vehicles at all times. And we must never forget that while the Windex may effectively clean our cars, it will never, ever, cleanse the black, twisted heart of Evil.
If you hear that some of your colleagues haven’t received this message, please print it and pass it on. We know they control some of the communications wires…. No one is safe.