Death is such a personal experience, here is mine
|Today is Sunday September 7th, 2008; it is 5:58 am. My thoughts and feelings at this moment are subdued. Three things have happened in the last couple of days, but if I really look back over the past several weeks I can see the change.|
1. Dad has not eaten since Tuesday Sept 2nd.
2. His urine output is almost nil
3. He has purple blotchy spots on his legs and arms[the nurse says it is because his organs are demanding the blood supply, so the body decreases the amount that is distributed to his limbs]
He is in decline. I have had to administer morphine twice a day. He has pain, can’t be touched on his skin. He sleeps almost all the time now, I have to grind his pills into powder and mix with apple sauce. I get him to somehow take this three times a day. I also at that time give him tea through a straw. Like you would do a baby, b4 they know how to suck it through. The nurse was here yesterday and will be here today. His BP was somewhere around 98, which is very low considering he has high BP. He has periods of apnea [he does not breathe]. I have not slept a whole lot, I guess that is because, when my mom passed I was sleeping. She was by herself even though dad was in the bed next to her. I missed a moment in time I can never get back; I do not want to miss it with him. His eyes are glassy and not looking at anything in particular. They look beyond what we see in the room. He talks to my mom; I know that he misses her very much. I pray that God will send her to come get him. I think the transfer would be easier for him.
Hospice is here on continuous care. On Friday they wanted to put him in a nursing home until De figured out what she wants to do. But when Vanessa and the social worker came, Vanessa determined that his status had changed. I guess we could say we are on death watch. I am not trying to be absurd, or uncaring. And I care very much about him, and wish this process would hasten and he would be home with Jesus, my mom, and his parents. I think he would love to see them again. The aide and I keep him turned, because his skin is breaking down, he has pressure sores, and unfortunate that is because I can not turn him by myself. And it bothers me. He is not a one person deal anymore. He does not move anymore can’t help facilitate his turning. And every time we touch him, he moans in pain. I hate it. He deserves better, but I know that it is a process.
De is in denial, I believe, she wants to blame his condition on the morphine that I am giving him; she wants me to take him off his sleep medication, and anti-psychotics because that is only making him sleep more. Thus he is not eating or drinking, and that is because of the morphine, she believes that if we stop giving him all the meds he will do better, I give up. I know she knows what is going on, we went through it with mom, and she was in denial at the time also. Laurie and her are suppose to come up latter today or early tomorrow, the worst part is the waiting, and it could be days or hours. I don’t think it will be a week, but then I have been wrong b4.
I cried Friday almost all day, since then a little more controlled. Just tired, but to afraid to go to sleep, for too long.
He’s snoring as he sleeps, but there are times when he quits snoring and he actually stops breathing I have to put my hand on his chest and when that faint breathe comes it kina makes me phew…. We had to raise his head a little, because he started gurgling, like he was collecting fluid in his lungs. He is between this world and the next, I wonder what he is seeing, experiencing. He is doing the not breathing gig more often now, makes me a little anxious. I have to go and do his pills in a minute.
I am writing this for me. I didn’t do this with mommy, this way I have something to read over, it is something to hang on to. I want to document my feelings, what this experience has on me. There are times when I feel helpless and not in control of the situation. And I know that I am not suppose to, all I can do is leave the whole mess in God’s hands. He is the almighty healer, supporter, Lord, and Creator of everything. I have prayed that he will make the transition peaceful and timely.
De and Laurie may not come up till tomorrow I pray they don’t come up late. I am not sure that they are ready for this. I know I am not, but I know that he wants to be with mommy, he misses her more and more. And there are times now when he seems to be talking with her. Or maybe it my subconscious that wants it that way, or hope that’s the way it is.
The nurse said not to worry about giving him his meds, to just make sure he gets fluids. He does not respond to my touch there is no acknowledgement of awareness. She said that his lungs are full and that his pupils are fixed. That it is just a matter of time. He is ready to go home. Now we have to be able to let him go. Dee and Laurie are on their way up, all I had to do was say what the nurse told me. I just hope they make it in time.
The nurse has left, and Marie the aide is busy taking care of dad. I need to get busy with doing stuff around the house, so I start doing some laundry, cleaning the kitchen. I get the big bucket and put water into it to mop the floors, which I never get to. I am working on my computer, burning some movies I have on my external hard drive. I hear him snoring, still, and stopping every so often. I pause to look over at him to see if I can see him breathing. I get up and walk over to him and put my hand on his chest and rub gently. B4 he lost consciousness, if I had done that he would have told me to stop the nonsense. I went around to the other side of the bed where he was closer to that side of the bed. I gently rubbed his head, and they say that hearing is the last sensory to leave the body. I tell him that I love him very much and that if he see’s mom go to her, it was okay, I would be okay. That he would be welcomed with waiting arms.
It was about 3pm and I told Marie I was going to take a bath. I was nervous because I did not want to leave him. I was gone about thirty minutes, I had dressed felt a little human and I walked out to the living room to check on him, He was still snoring. I felt a little relieved he was still here. I thought he would be here for at least till Monday. At least I hoped. I went out to the laundry and took clothes out of the dryer and put clothes from the washer to the dryer. I walked back inside and put the clothes on the couch. I sat back down at the computer and worked on saving my documents on a DVD, just in case something happened to the computer, because lately it has been acting up. I got it done by 4:15 or 4:25pm. Lay lay decided she needed to go outside, so we went. Marie’s husband stopped by to see her, she had gone out front. I came back in and walked over to my computer; I glanced over at dad and walked over to him.
It is 4:40 pm on a beautiful sunny September afternoon, and my father has slipped the bonds of earth, and has been received by our Father in His house. My mom is standing there, with my sister Rita, and my great nephew Bryce, waiting to welcome him home. His mom and dad standing there waiting to hold him, after being separated for such a long time. He laughing and happy to see them, hugging my mom for all its worth, they are finally together again, after being separated for three years three months and 28 days, she went home on May 10, 2005.
I took his face in my hands and took the oxygen off of him, he looked so at peace. I told him your home now, and I kissed his bald forehead. I started to cry uncontrollable, my chest heaving, Marie came in from outside and I looked at her and said He’s gone home. She walked over to me and held my shoulders and told me he is where he can not be in pain anymore, and he is walking upright and on both his legs. Do not worry, he is home with Jesus.
It took me some time to regain some control; I knew I had to call my sisters, because I did not want them to walk in unaware. I called both my daughters, and my girlfriend Susan. I knew she would be my support if I needed her. Once that was all done, all I could do was wait for Dee and Laurie to get here; they were about 45 minutes away.
Walked back into where he was and I took his hand in mine and stroked it. I went back to my computer, and worked on some files.
Marie called the office to let them know and to send the nurse, we could only wait for everyone. Dee and Laure got here about 5:30 pm. I was outside when they got here. We hugged and went inside. I let them go see him by themselves, because they needed to have closure. Everything from then on was surreal. Nikki got there but she did not go into to see him she wanted to remember him b4 all this happened. Michael and Monica got here I would say about 6 pm. I walked into the kitchen and He came over to me crying thanking me, for what I asked, for being here and taking care of him, that it meant a lot to them both. He looked me straight on and said really thank you, they went in to see him alone. They didn’t get to stay very long; they had to get back to Miami for work today, but they will be back for the funeral.
At this point I feel like I can’t say too much more, the nurse came, did what she had to do to pronounce him, and then we had to wait for the funeral home to come pick him up. They did around 8:30pm, we got to say one last goodbye, then the four of us went out to dinner to Chili’s and had a drink in honor of our father and grandfather. Bless him, he is finally home….