by Chris Kenyon
"How to Spark a Dragging Economy" Satire
|My Fellow Senators,
Grey skies brew above Washington. This financial crisis is one that can’t be fixed by such simple means as “bailing out” banks. Although an honorable and earnest effort, giving hundreds of billions of dollars to these firms is only a temporary solution. When a car has a flat tire, one must do more than offer short-term support; the $700 billion may suffice as a jack, but the wheel must still be replaced. Our economy can’t drive on an injection of empty investment from the government. Instead we must find a new means - a new avenue - which can be taken to right this monetary mess. I won't upbraid our esteemed officials, because I’m sure it has been decades since many of these politicians have had to resort to fixing their vehicles of change. It is now, however, the time for Washington to roll up its sleeves, and its leaves. The following is the solution to this economic crisis:
The Common Interest Guarding Act
How to Spark a Dragging Economy
Since it was first used by Indians in what is now Georgia, the tobacco plant has been a crutch on which struggling Americans leaned for support. In fact, this is just one of a plethora of medicinal uses of the plant; it can also be used to suppress appetite and relieve stress. However, our great nation must now turn to this agricultural root to relieve stress of a different kind: the recession. Fortunately, Nicotiana tabacum is indigenous to our country, making it as American as you, me, and every other proudly starred and striped citizen. For these reasons, the tobacco plant is an ideal stem for the economic expansion the USA needs.
The most logical way to incorporate the industry into the economy is by marketing a product that every true American needs. Naturally, the first reaction is to manufacture paper from tobacco. However, the Leaf-Lovers’ “green” attitude has been an unfortunate gateway into a widespread American belief in over-preserving the environment. This "high and mighty" movement has already caused much of the paper industry to wither.
Another possible product would be clothing woven from tobacco. However, it is known that the government sympathizes with those who desire garments made from animal furs, skins, and hides. Because of this, the government would not market a product that encroaches on that territory of the clothing industry; it would be almost inhumane to deny these nature-minded citizens their right to bear arms, legs, etc.
Without a doubt, the ultimate product would be one that is easily accessible, relatively inexpensive, and has both practical and pleasurable benefits. Granted by God's good grace, such a product may already exist. An ancient way of using the tobacco plant is to set fire to the leaves and inhale the released particles. In the modern day, “smokers” wrap the tobacco in paper, which contains the plant and directs the flow of the chemicals towards the mouth. These “cigarettes” are the ideal form of tobacco good, and may prove to be the key to controlling the economy.
It is recommended that the government implement programs and policies to promote the widespread use of cigarettes. Using analysis of trend expansion, liquid asset transition rates, and gross breadth, even conservative estimates place the net profit of the tobacco industry at passing the housing business within 40 months. As the very acute reader may have noticed, these are the same factors that were originally used by bankers to determine that the infamous loan system would succeed. However, new analysts have performed the same calculations, and are confident that a similar situation will yield different, successful results.
Following the well-worn path of the American Way, the government will continue to keep the underprivileged and disadvantaged in mind when enacting this plan. The inefficiency of the outdated Welfare system will be replaced with a cutting edge Stamp system, where families earning less than $20,000 per year will receive "Cig Stamps". These will be redeemable at government sponsored Leaf Lines and Tobacco Tables, allowing hardworking parents and their deserving children the ability to blow off steam - or smoke, rather - at the end of a long day.
This proposition also allows for an interesting benefit in the field of medicine. With 98% of nurses planning on retiring in the next two years, the base of the medical industry is fast hollowing. Because of the unintended-alternative-respiratory-products associated with "smoking", there will be a greater need of doctors (to ensure the optimal physical condition for continued cigarette use.) As a rat population surges at the first sign of a new food source, doctors will swarm to treat those whose tragic ailments obstruct their right to use tobacco. Alternatively, customers who experience negative patient care outcomes will not die in vain; the shorter life expectancy will filter out the undesired individuals who drag on the Social Security system.
The real heart of this plan, pumping opportunity throughout the circulatory system of America, lies in the estimated thirty million jobs that will be created. These openings will be so numerous that employers will be encouraged to use unofficial immigrants as "Tobacco Tenders" - manual laborers who will do most of the grunt farming work. Furthermore, a citizen-validity tax scale will be implemented. In this honest and patriotic system, the least American Americans - the unofficial immigrants - will be taxed the heaviest; the truest, bluest citizens will be granted hefty tax cuts.
Although it pains me to acknowledge the fact, there are some who are either wary or weary of the government's intervention in the free market. These non-patriots are the same dissenters railing against the current financial rescue, claiming the government is making an error similar to the one made by investors in the housing market. These are the same non-believers that said we wouldn’t learn victory in Iraq. The same faithless few that always stand between today and tomorrow. But society has mechanisms to weed out rotten roots. Any citizens who do not support the plan will indubitably come to embrace cigarettes; if they remain anti-tobacco, they will be social outcasts, not invited to soirées and smoke rings.
Friends, imagine a world where every corner has a young man, the future of America, taking a pensive drag on his cigarette, breathing in the raw power and patriotism. As the smoke flows from his mouth, one cannot help but think of the launch of the Apollo rocket. Both exhausts would be images of what makes our America the nation it is today: innovation, drive, and blowing smoke.
Senator Chris Kenyon