This "guide" covers the major childhood "pitfalls."
|A Manual of Many Maladies for Minors: Chapter One
Welcome, dear reader, to what will be your lifeline as you guide your child through his or her turbulent young years. You may have gotten an earful from other books about childhood pitfalls such as skinned knees and ear infections. Yes, you should keep an eye out for those, but between these pages you'll read about the real threats to little Bobby or Susie's well-being.
Why read this instructional guide? Because you need to know what you're up against. Around the world, and in your own city, children are being infected with diseases that are much too frightening for adults even to begin to comprehend. The mere thought of these sicknesses make adults faint right out of their orthopedic shoes.
Take for instance, the condition known as Opticus Crossieyetis. This dreaded affliction occurs when a child crosses his or her eyes for an extended period of time, usually exceeding two minutes. If your child displays signs of dizziness, confusion, or if the other kids make fun of them, your child may have Opticus Crossieyetis.
Many possible cures have been tested, and almost all have failed. The only one that is known to cure your child is simple, but sometimes leads to concussions, and/or bruised knees and hands. First, you must wrap your child in bubble wrap, foam, and duct tape, making sure not to cover the face. Children still need to breathe, Opticus Crossieyetis or not. Second, position a trampoline in your yard so that it is within reach if someone were to jump off the roof of your house. Then, haul your child to the roof. Place child on the edge of the roof, lightly push off, and watch them fall onto the trampoline. Once they have stopped bouncing, retrieve your child from the trampoline. Quickly unwrap all bubble wrap, foam, and tape. The eyes should be uncrossed and the child should have received only minor injuries.
Blindasabatus is another extremely unfortunate malady that some children fall prey to. They get the disease when they sit too close the the television. The powerful UV hydro-electric nuclear rays coming from the screen blind them after just 30 seconds. If your child loses his or her sight, has fluorescent skin, or a ringing in his or her ears so loud that passersby can hear it, have them checked for Blindasabatus as soon as possible.
Once a professional has confirmed the diagnosis of Blindasabatus, your child will have to spend seventy-two hours in solitary confinement without access to any electronic devices for detoxification. This process is essential! No television. No iPod. No Xbox. Not even a cell phone. The room has to be pitch black. Even glancing at a television during the period of detox could cause the condition to become permanent.
Children around the world are also being hit with Rubberfaceus Jimcarreyitis, a sickness where a silly face made for more than five minutes will be frozen in place. If your child gets a leading role in a comedy film, or they are overcome with fits of hysterical laughter whenever they look in the mirror, your child definitely has Rubberfaceus Jimcarreyitis.
Ninety-nine percent of doctors say there is only one way to wipe the silly face off. First, twelve sticks of butter must be rubbed all over the face. Pay particular attention to the really silly parts. Then, prolonged exposure to movies like Steel Magnolias, The Notebook, and Love Story, will melt the silly face off. The normal, un-entertaining face should emerge safe and sound under the gooey remains of the silly face.
The last, and most terrifying, disease we'll discuss today is the dreaded Blackseedus Babybumpus, caused by swallowing a black watermelon seed. The common symptoms are morning sickness, cravings for unusual food, swollen feet, back pain, and heartburn. Your child will also begin to sport a large stomach, which may even move occasionally.
Blackseedus Babybumpus is the worst of the childhood maladies, because it cannot be totally cured, just tamed. First, the child must swallow a live locust whole. It will devour the watermelon that has sprouted from the swallowed seed, but then there will be a live locust instead of a watermelon on the inside of your child.
In order for the locust to be vanquished, something to eat the locust has to be swallowed, and so on. It's a vicious cycle, and might as well be incurable. The only way to avoid this unending cycle is not to eat a black watermelon seed in the first place.
As you continue reading our remaining chapters, do not be discouraged or even frightened. Though diseases with names such as The Crunchies sound intimidating, they can all be conquered by the determined parent armed with appropriate knowledge and a potato gun.