This i wrote as a diary entry so some parts are not very clear.
|I have made up my mind. I am going to be a human zombie. Any of this is not occurring due to the fact that I'm not going to Lahore. None of it. It is all of the things that have been locked inside me since a zillion moments. All of the small pricks on which I did not take out my anger. And somehow, with all of this crying and feeling miserable, I feel content. I like being selfish for once. No, actually I love it. I feel at peace with the devil inside me. I like my heart heavy.
But the wierd part is that I can see Her smiling up there. I think maybe its because I'm not at peace with the devil, but with my soul. I like all of these contradictions in me, in whatever I write. So when I read it I can analyze myself. But i never read what I have written as a diary. See another contradiction right there. I like not eating so much. I have made myself believe that hunger is a shield from sorrow.
And whenever I eat now, something or the other happens to reassure me that my imagination has not convinced me into something that is not true. I feel free now. I feel that I'm able to float. I can smile after a long cry. I feel independent though I know that such a thing doesn’t exist. I consider myself to be ugly now. From inside and out. The outside is never a reflection of what you are on the inside but it is not so in me. I am ugly from the inside and out. Since I promised her that I would no longer cut myself, I wont. because I do not break my promises like them.
But since I am pitying myself, I have found hunger which hurts me, and therefore makes me feel better. I love all my deep sighs. I miss grade seven. It was the best school-year of my life. Though I have only had nine, this being the tenth school year of my life counting nursery and kindergarten. Today I am happy. What he said was true. Though I was not trying to follow his advice, I followed it without knowing. In order to get what I most crave for, I have become as selfish as I possibly can and have shut all my emotions and sympathies for everyone out. I have become free!