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Rated: 13+ · Column · Nonsense · #1518326
An insane man tells you everything you need to know
Hello, my name is Michael and I'm crazy.  It's true, don't let my spelling fool you, I'm bat-shit insane.  If I could, I'd spend all day writing my name on people's doors with crayons made of poop.  And maybe I'd draw pictures of me, and in the pictures I'd be drawing pictures of me drawing pictures on the doors too.  It would be a truly spiritual experience to behold (smell aside, of course).  However, I know not where to procure crayons made of feces, and thusly I am foiled.  Do you know where I could buy shit-crayons?  I tried ordering some from the Crayola factory, but the lady thought I was kidding and hung up on me.  When I get some crayons made of BM I'm so drawing on her door first.  She won't even know what hit her, she'll wake up one day and smell crap, and look outside and there will be crude pictures of stick figures drawing stick figures using only dried turds.  She'll go on to write a book about it, which will be turned into a movie (starring Gene Hackman as my character) and it'll win 4 Oscars.  And a Nobel prize for chemistry.  Maybe a Pulitzer too.  The sky's the limit on these types of adventures.

         Damn, I got off topic.  Anyway, I'm a unique individual.  I don't think I have an actual mental disorder, but who knows.  Hopefully I catch crazy in some new and exciting way, and they name the disease after me.  I can just see it now, “Lydon's Disease”.  The symptoms would include editorializing like I'm doing now, writing with poop crayons, and voting Republican (zing!)  Just kidding, I don't want to offend people.  Editorializing isn't a sign of a mental disorder.  (Being Republican still is though.  I'm nuts, but anybody who believes in the trickle-down-effect needs round the clock hospice care, lest they choke on their tongues or something.  This will of course cost a fortune, in turn making their privates nurses rather well off, ironically proving their statement very nearly correct only in this most limited scenario.  Except of course you don't use nurses, you make your ugly children take care of you, proving my point and burdening your already hideous kids with the added displeasure of changing your bedpan so you don't have to move while The Price is Right is on.  You conservatives are such a drain on society.)

         Whew, I keep getting off topic like that.  Did you know that if you hit shift, then the 3 button, you get this thing?  I was thinking of the waffly thing, the number symbol.  Hit 3 and shift at the same time and you'll know what I'm talking about.  Computers are exciting, technology will change the world some day.  June 59th I suspect, but what do I know?  I mean, Im teh cra-z!!!11!!!!!!!one!!1  That last bit was in internet talk.  It's going to replace English as the language of the future.  By the year 2016, the last non-1337 speakers will be pwnt, as they are n000bz.  LOL.  Job applications will look like this:
F0n3 #_________ (see, waffle!)
R U A n00b?  y/n
Social Security Number_________

That's why I took Rosetta stone courses on internet talk.  When 13 year olds eventually take over the planet and force us to play Halo 3 on xbox live all day, every day, I want to be ready to move up in that world.  M1k3 L'/1)0n is ready for the future!

         Goddamnit, what the hell did I even begin on?  Let me skim back through and find out what the point was.  Hmm, ok... oh, right.  I'm crazy.  It's true.  I think you've figured out by now that I'm not kidding.  I'm so much fun that I can't possibly be legal.  Like bank robberies.  Yes, just like robbing a bank at gunpoint, I'm simply too much crazy-fun to be legal in the US of A.  It's true.  It's in the Constitution, right after the part that says that Halliburton must be allowed 10% of the Gross National Product.  (The 11th Commandment)

         Some people think that “crazy” is bad.  I think not.  Let me list the benefits of being absolutely nuts:
Self entertainment.  I can amuse myself anywhere, with anything.  This saves me a lot of money that I would have otherwise spent renting movies
Imaginary friends.  I can bring them anywhere, and I often sneak them onto airplanes, they sit in the aisle.  And, of course, they don't have to pay!
Imaginary pets.  They don't need to be fed as often as real pets.
I save a lot of money that most people would spend on clothing.  It's so much cheaper to glue leaves together and just wear that as a loincloth.  (Or just be issued some ACU's)
And, since I'm too crazy to be able to tie my own shoes without help , I've been offered several positions in the Federal Government, to include a commission in the US Army as a 2nd Lieutenant.
I am the King of the universe, which feels good.  It just so happens that I'm the only one who recognizes my legitimate claim to Earth's throne.  But this makes the political scene much easier on my planet, as I'm the only one with real power.

         And if that wasn't enough, how about a list of famous crazy people?
Steven, the Irish guy from Braveheart.  He was a total badass, and was Irish.  And he was in Braveheart.  His name was Steven too!
Murdoch, the pilot from the A-team.  He could fly anything, and he got to antagonize BA Barracus all day long.  Sounds like a sweet deal to me!
Jesus, the guy from the Bible.  He founded Christianity, but died a Jew.  That's kah-razy.  Or indecisive, but whatever.
“Crazy Steve”, A former interpreter.  After he was found out to be an Al-Queda spy, he sang us songs about money, money, and money.  What fun!  (Also named Steven!)
The entire city of Philadelphia, because every year we fall into the same trap as the last 10,000 years... thinking the Eagles will make us proud, then watching them choke like an ugly girl sucking a horse dick covered in burning hair.
Willy Wonka, the candy guy.  He hired Oompa Loompas!  I wish I had Oompa Loompas to make candy for me.

I think I'm in good company.  Compare this to the list of “not-crazy” people.
George W. Bush, president of the USA.  He's not crazy, just stupid
The Cast of “Saturday Night Live”.  They're not crazy, but they're not funny either
Math teachers.  They're never crazy, but they're about as much fun as cancer.
Cancer patients.  They're also not crazy, but they're about as much fun as math teachers.

         I bet you're asking yourself “What the Hell is the point of this?” or maybe “What is this lunatic trying to say?”  What I am trying to say, (my point, if you will) is that being different isn't bad.  In fact, it's delicious.  I recommend you try it.  If you need help, I suggest pulling down your pants and screaming the first 11 words that come to mind.  Bonus points if you do this during a public gathering, and even more bonus points if this is done during a Catholic Mass.  After you do this, most likely everybody will stare at you, wondering what you'll do next.  And you're probably asking “well, what will I actually do after that?”  Don't ask me, if you actually do that you're insane now!  At that point you're all grown up and certified in crazy.  Other insane creatures (including: anybody who voted for George Bush in 2000, Scientologists, parents of more then 4 children and sentient robots) will look to you for nutsy guidance and you will be prepared to lead your coo-koo masses into the future!  Death to the bourgeois homeless people who run the moon!  R!  245!  Raaaaar!

I guess what I'm trying to say is I miss my dad.
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