by Eli Mellach
We can resolve this disagreement with my simple t-i-c plan.
|The Israeli Plan by, Myles Alan
I can’t understand why, after 5000 years or at least since 1950, the people of the middle east can’t live side by side in peace. At the “wall” they’re even facing each other. They seemingly can’t come to some resolve, some understanding. Then I realized that I had the solution to their age old problem and it seems fairly simple to me.
And it is funny. Each thinks the other got the better deal. That the grass is greener on the other side or should I say… the sand is tanner?
Israel, let me address your location problem first. The Israelis seem to have forgotten the first rule of real estate…Location, location, location
You, Israel, are an area not much bigger than our smallest state of Rhode Island. And yet in the middle east surrounded by some 6 or 7 other countries how did you come to pick the only one that has no oil underneath its land. Had you never seen the Wizard of Oz.? Don’t you all remember what the “tin” man wanted most? OIL . Can you relate? I also heard you all have money. Couldn’t you have pooled your resources and bought some ocean-front property, elsewhere?
Oil, Black gold, Texas “tea”. It is what we all want. Not peace necessarily, just good prices at the old gas pump. Our cars don’t run on chicken soup you know.
So why did you settle there for ------ sakes. Was it the view? Did England offer tax incentives?
I say there is only one way to resolve your problem. It is time to move, to relocate. And I offer you to come to America…land of the free , home of the braves. Come to America where you will be welcome with open “arms” (45’s, 38’s, and 22’s)
Now I am not suggesting that you live just anywhere over here. I want you to be comfortable, to live somewhere where it will feel familiar; Nevada, right outside of Las Vegas the desert of the new world. Sandy, arid , vast and secluded…all the comforts of home. And the night life is swell.
And you won’t have to worry anymore about what you do there because as we know, What goes on in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
And there- nobody cares where you’re originally from or what religion or political affiliation you hold dear because in Vegas -- nobody cares bout nothing , especially about politics. When was the last time you heard “And from the great state of Nevada we would like to nominate [insert name here] for the office of President of the United States. Surely not at the Republican Convention (and be mighty glad of that).!!
Why I’ll bet you could get more than 3000 kibutzes built between Vegas and Reno. Now at first it will be unbelievably arid and dry but I believe we can go to the Governor of California and ask for a few truckloads of California bottled waters to get you started.
And speaking of water, when you get here could you get your finest minds to effectively invent an adaptive device that will allow our cars to run on water? Maybe through electrolysis or something on board. Vichy? Seltzer?
Seems to me that the first people that invent a car that runs on water will be a pretty prosperous people thus perpetuating the myth further that all Jews have money. I know I would like to be in “ “that” allotment”… I missed out on the first assignment of funds that our people bequeath us when we are born. I mythed out.
Now you may be asking one final question. How can we leave this, the “holy” land.
What holy land? Your land holier than ours? Thou’s? If you’ve read your history originally England had you earmarked for Uganda, Africa… OK…let’s say you do live in the land of “Milk and Honey”. We have cows and we have bees. We have water and air and lots of trees. Move here to the west and face to the east. Believe me it’s all the same. And I am sure we can find some Masons willing to build a wailing wall or a room addition. Do not forget y’all built the Pyramids and look how long those have lasted.
Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to be free, come to America to learn how we live together and work together as we always have done. Jesus and Moses both offer tremendous savings. By Jehova, we get along just swell. Ask anyone. Join me in this effort to get my people moved. I know Two men and a Truck . And with Mohammed, you could move mountains.
For more on this wonderful plan for Israel’s future please write me in care of this newspaper and enclose $5.00 to handle postage and shipping. Look for my next article, a theory I have developed I like to call the “the -Davinchistein Code.” “What it all means and how to get yours” until we meet again, Dayenu