It doesn't take much to put a full stop on someone's life, if you think they care!
|I was lead to believe that "responsibility" is to respect yourself and all those around you, not to cause undue pain and suffering upon another, to abide by the laws that are put in place to better protect us. Therefore, so we as a whole can live in our communities free to do the things we love and with the ones, we love.
Struggling for years with what is the right and wrong with things in life, over time it has became a living nightmare. After my stepfathers demise, what has followed since has destroyed all my trust, in the human race and the laws we have, in this country, they call lucky. (Australia)
All my beliefs on how I wanted my life to be, any achievements I might have done or dreams one wished for, never seemed important enough, "Well not to my parents". Watching significant others come and go, either through death or by some unforgivable mistake they thought one might have made. Being somewhat at a lose, in trying to find whys in explaining what has happened to me over the years, has only created frustration at it's maximum, "I've tried them all with no convictions, it has some how convicted me".
After finding the courage to tell the secret to my mother, my stepfather was sexually abusing myself and sister's, has made it impossible to understand, why "she" my mother, decided that it was my fault that it had happened.
When ever I felt down or upset over things, not necessarily to do with just the abuse, I would get "you made your bed, now you can lay in it" "going through life not being able to solve any problems or constantly having feelings ignore by her (mother) makes it really hard to understand". Three weeks after the death of my son "she tells me to get over it" or would tell others that I was playing on it to get attention, was never allowed to mourn for my son.
So instead of getting that help, one needed, to better cope and not feel unloved or unwanted. She created all the feelings of abandonment, hopelessness, helplessness, worthlessness, and a weakness in not being able to say no to others, when someone was doing wrong either to my children or my self.
"It is my reality not my insanity" seeing deliberate acts of damage or stress, done to my children, our pets, personal property and myself. Wondering why? My feelings, on certain issues, where overlooked or disregarded. Judging them as a mistake, wrong choice, or bad decision one made. Never seeing it as a misfortune or created negativity by another.
Not understanding why? Any of my past had to happen in the first place, and a mother that seemed to hate my very existence. Set the path to never having the ability to access support net works of any sort. Trying to defend my actions, on a decision that was to be made, would be shot down in flames and some other past situation that was never dealt with would be brought up and replaced with what they felt was the better. If theirs failed, like so many times it had, it would be made for all to believe I was not compliant enough or created some other bullshit for them to react in a nasty manor.
Therefore, after the fact, mother decided it was better to alienate me from family. First started with my siblings, then over time with other relationships one had. Her neglect and disrespect became vindictive and somewhat evil. Eventually programming others to believe I was a bad person.
Coming to that conclusion for all above: was it my imagination? On the other hand, because I made a decision to stay with him (stepfather) after their marriage broke up, that caused this man to sexually abuse me, feel he must brand me as a thief, liar, user and the like, to cover up his own evil.
Have the person it was married to, continue the denigration and insults that placed that unfounded optimism, for others to continue on a path of destroying my right to belong to the family unit. Yes one can say, there is a lot of pain in my heart and a lot of unwanted anger, my belief is that the only reason there is so much anger and pain, is because it was ignored, and allowed to build up. I have read and researched a lot of material regarding issues on abuse done to children and adults. What angers me most is that they no what causes us to be victims and continue to be re-victimized later on in to adulthood, but there is not enough being done to stop it.
For example, about ten years ago now my mother and sister moved in with me due to not being able to find a place to live, after giving up a rented property in the country. To which was fine, thought it would give us the chance too start mending the relationship that was lost. Boy how wrong was I. This woman disregarded my hospitality with contempt. At the time, I had my own business and everything seemed to be going great.
The only problem being, I had ended up sick, (cervical cancer) not knowing what was wrong at the time, just put it down to stress due to the partner I was with, started to abuse me and was trying to cause the business to fail. Being blind to all around, never thought for one second, that they (mother and sister) were also trying to bring me down.
I went to the doctors, to explain to him, what was going on and for the first time, was informed; it sounded like I had battered wives syndrome. The funny thing was though, he gave me pills and sent me on my merry way with know other resources to tap into. My biggest mistake that day was to tell my mother what he had said, and she started the insanity bullshit. Not long after this my nightmare turned into shear terror, what could go wrong did.
Not long after, I moved away to escape her on going deliberate attacks. However, before doing so, she managed to program one of my daughters into believing I was insane, and made her lie to welfare. I tried everything to get her back with no success. They informed welfare that I threatened to cut my daughters throat. God she was good.
“Narcissism at its best” Placed undue anguish and torment. Eight years ago all my nightmares came to a living hell, when I found out that the stepfather had also sexually abused the daughter that was taken, for 5 years and my reaction to her handing my daughter over to a pedophile, was some what debilitating and the hatred I started to feel for the mother that was meant to be there to protect me, took away my ability in being able to protect my own daughter, as well as the rest of my children.
How dare, this women destroy my life, only to continue on a path to destroying my children’s lives. For her, own self gratification, Could I say anything? No. I made a choice to have the stepfather charge for his crimes to which has only ended in total isolation and a life I still desperately tried to hold on to. They have no idea on what they created or the feelings they have placed. An “emotional roller coaster ride” I wish would just stop.
But it will never stop and i guess i will always have something to write about especially when the government has also ignored and swept it under the carpet.