THIS IS A PARODY. I PROMISE. :)
|Marie-Susanna was sixteen, and very beautiful. She had long, perfectly straight hair that was a strange color, almost like copper, in the sun, but looked like a stunning shade of red everywhere else. Her eyes were shockingly green, like emeralds (in fact, her middle name, Emerald, was because of her eyes’ striking and unusual beauty), and they possessed depths of kindness and wisdom unheard-of for anyone not as perfect as Marie-Susanna. Her skin was a perfect shade of tan naturally.
She was very intelligent—top of her class in every subject, and she could have skipped straight to college if she had wanted to, but, since she was so good-hearted, she had decided that she would stay with her sophomore friends, who unfortunately weren’t as brilliant (or as nice, or as beautiful, or as accomplished in any way) as Marie-Susanna. But since Marie-Susanna was perfect and they existed in the story only to be compared with her, we won’t hold that against them.
You would think that the whole sophomore class—the whole high school—would have loved Mary Sue (oops, I mean Marie-Susanna), but many girls were, in fact, jealous of poor Marie-Susanna. Although she was only ever nice to them, they tried to turn people against her, even though any sensible person would have realized that Marie-Susanna was totally guiltless.
So, the story begins with Marie-Susanna and her friend Lina. Lina was not nearly as beautiful as Marie-Susanna, or as intelligent, or as funny, or as witty, or a thousand other wonderful characteristics of Marie-Susanna that must be omitted for time’s sake, but since Marie-Susanna would never dream of discriminating against someone who wasn’t as good as her at life in general, they were great friends.
Marie-Susanna brushed back her extraordinary copper-colored hair and gave a dazzling smile that made her look even more astonishing than usual. Sadly, this was lost on Lina, who (as you can tell by her lack of description) was a minor character who served only to betray Marie-Susanna to the girls who were jealous. They will henceforth be known as The Imperfect Ones, to reinforce the incredibleness of Marie-Susanna.
“Marie-Susanna, I heard about what you did to Ella,” said Lina, looking at Marie-Susanna with jealousy in her boringly-colored eyes. Ella was one of the Imperfect Ones, and she had obviously framed Marie-Susanna.
Marie-Susanna’s own bright green eyes filled with tears, because the very thought of being accused—well, it was like Jesus on the cross! Poor Marie-Susanna! Let us all share in weeping for her! She tried to protest her innocence, but it was no good. Lina was gone. We all knew it would happen. No one as boring as Lina could ever be a good character.
But not only had Lina betrayed her—her other friends did too when they heard. They believed the Imperfect Ones, because they too were secretly jealous of Marie-Susanna.
Marie-Susanna was sitting all alone one day in Arabic class, being praised by her teacher for her genius. Marie-Susanna didn’t believe she was a genius, but of course, she was. She just would never believe it in the interest of modesty. But anyway, as she sat in Arabic class, she had a strange vision reminiscent of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, except that Marie-Susanna’s vision was a totally original idea. Yeah. Marie-Susanna was so amazing that she took priority over characters created years before her.
Join me, for, like everyone in this fictional world, I think you would be a really good minion, because of your intelligence and general awesomeness. Also, you’re really hot, said a voice of darkness in Marie-Susanna’s head. It was strangely persuasive, but by her natural intuition, Marie-Susanna somehow knew that it was evil. She was, by the way, the first person in thousands of years to resist this voice. She just didn’t know it.
Your mom would make a good minion, said Marie-Susanna, showing her skill for coming up with hilarious sarcastic comebacks even under stress.
The dark voice chuckled evilly. Muahaha…you will be an excellent minion…I know this because you are the first person to resist my voice in thousands of years! MUAHAHAHA! the voice said triumphantly, ignoring the lack of logic in its statement.
Never! cried Marie-Susanna in her head.
“Marie-Susanna?” her Arabic teacher asked, and she realized that she had been daydreaming all this time. Shocked at herself, she said, “Oh, I’m so sorry!” and then perfectly conjugated and defined one of the many verbs that no one else in the class knew.
Several occurrences like the dream followed when one day, Marie-Susanna was walking to school, and she found herself suddenly swept into a void. The void deposited her into a thinly-disguised version of Middle Earth, and sure enough, an elf from Rivendell—that is, Elven One from Shmar’da-kyra—came up to her and said, “You are the one named by the prophecy! You shall fight off the evil dark elves, who believe in attacking our monarchy and causing chaos throughout the world!”
“I knew it! My destiny has come! I was meant for this! When do I start saving the world?” Marie-Susanna asked, smiling at the elf and forgetting completely about everyone back on Earth, because Ahéon’el’medd-kandís (somehow, she knew immediately that this was the name of the world), was just so much cooler.
“Right now. Let’s fight off evil legions and stare into each other’s eyes during battle scenes because I find you very attractive, and I am single!” said Cardboard Infodump Elf.
“Um, I’m not sure I can do that, because that would be judging me by my appearance. Oh well. You’re hot too,” said Marie-Susanna, and because she was Marie-Susanna, she could see straight into his soul with her shockingly green eyes, so she wasn’t judging him by his appearance. She and the elf, whatever his name was, began extensively making out, until they realized they were surrounded by Powers of Darkness.
“Oh, no! I’ll take care of this! Don’t worry, defenseless female, you can hide behind me!” said the elf.
Marie-Susanna’s feminist instincts immediately kicked in, and she said, “I can handle this, because I represent females everywhere, even though I’m using magic to solve my problems!”
Using her Dramatic Mystical Power, she knocked all the soldiers unconscious (because only Bad People kill other people, except of course in war, when it’s completely justified), except for one which she tragically couldn’t see (through no fault of her own), who killed the random, slightly medieval chauvinist elf.
The soldier of darkness stared at Marie-Susanna in awe. “You harnessed the Dramatic Mystical Power better than anyone I’ve ever heard of!”
Marie-Susanna knocked him unconscious and then knelt by the body of the random elf she had made out with. She then angsted off-and-on for the rest of the story.
Much boring traveling through the woods ensued, until she arrived at the Magical Castle of Goodness, recognizable by its eerie similarity to Disney princess castles. Of course, none of the peasants minded this display of capitalist consumerism, and lived idyllic lives singing working-class songs and not bothering any of the main characters. This happy life was sadly unlike the Radical Communist Meanies (uhhh…I mean…dark elves).
So anyway, Marie-Susanna came to the castle. Oh no, she thought once she was there, I must look awful! Of course, she didn’t—how could Marie-Susanna ever look awful?—but her shining red hair had gotten slightly wavy, and there were a few leaves in her hair. The leaves (which incidentally matched her bright, shining green eyes), gave her a sort of wild look that made her stunning in a different way, almost dangerous. The monarchs immediately loved her (because everyone in the other world loved her, unlike the Imperfect Ones on Earth) and made her their heir. They gave her a beautiful silky dress with leaf embroidery that was all the colors of the rainbow and emphasized her perfect figure. Then she did her hair in a series of elegant braids.
Then she went outside to give a speech on how they had to defeat the dark elves. Everyone cheered and went home to talk about her, because Marie-Susanna, now that she was there, was the only character that mattered. They celebrated the fact that she would lead them to light, and discussed her incredible beauty
Marie-Susanna, because she was just so modest, said, “Oh, I really don’t think I can do this.”
“Don’t be silly!” cried a random guard who happened to be sitting in the room. “Of course you can! You’re Marie-Susanna!” He had secretly fallen in love with her during her speech.
“Oh, thank you!” said Marie-Susanna. They smiled at each other, and some bond was created between them. They were soul mates from the beginning.
They began extensively making out in a public display of affection that passed for chemistry among fantasy writers in general, until a different random guard said, “Oi! Are you done yet? The Legions of Darkness are attacking!” establishing both the fact that he had a working-class British accent (I mean…a working class Ahéon’el’medd-kandís accent) and that he was a comic-relief character.
Marie-Susanna and the guard stared into each other’s eyes and then ran out to the balcony. Marie-Susanna destroyed the entire army, because she just had that much skill. Everyone stared at her in awe, and the guard kissed her passionately.
However, the Voice of Darkness, which had apparently survived, whispered, “Muahaha…I am the insane evil king! I shall kill you, because apparently you have refused to be my minion!”
He appeared on the balcony and pulled out a sword. Marie-Susanna grabbed the guard’s sword out of his scabbard and began fighting expertly, despite the fact that there was never any indication before that she had any experience whatsoever.
Through no fault of her own, the comic-relief guard got bored and decided to betray her, because he was secretly jealous that Marie-Susanna had picked his friend, and he pushed her off the edge of the balcony.
“NOOOOOOO!” everyone else cried. Her guard wept tears of bitter angst and wished he could make out with her one last time. She had been so good at it. He also wondered what her name had been, and reflected that he would never have another soul mate, because she was Just That Special.
The Voice of Darkness also mourned her, because she was Marie-Susanna and who could not mourn her? He decided to save her and turn to the light side. With his Deus Ex Machina Power, he brought her back from the dead by killing the comic-relief guard.
Marie-Susanna woke up and ran back to her guard. They lived happily ever after, in accordance with the prophecy, and presumably figured out each other’s names eventually. And one day, she went back to Earth. Everyone could see the incredible Dramatic Power in her eyes, and the way she was surrounded by a slight glow, and they all regretted ever making fun of her.
She smiled, forgave everyone, and then went back to Ahéon’el’medd-kandís, where she and the guard ruled in awesomeness forevermore, because they were both randomly immortal.
The Massively Anticlimactic Wish-Fulfillment End