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Rated: 18+ · Monologue · Comedy · #1564331
The nature of car-driving in this little country.
(word count: 1051)

Ever drove a car in Kuwait?
No? Why do you have a license then?
Driving a car in Kuwait is in fact an extreme necessity... you can't go anywhere in a weather like this and with a sun like this, and also with people like this. I, personally, believe that 50% of my own stress in life comes from driving a car almost everyday to chase after my endless needs (which I couldn't capture yet).

You, as a driver, mainly have two major enemies in the streets. Yes, enemies! The streets of Kuwait taught me no one is your friend in fact. These two enemies are: police, and other drivers. I, personally, wanted to mount an anti-cars missile on my car's roof... unfortunately it is expensive... specially if it is an American-made. You know, I don't want to go Russian or Chinese and end up blowing my head off instead! However, in Kuwait you'd have a third enemy in fact. That is, streets themselves. We don't really count as much as the population of Hanoi or Bangkok in such big cities, but yet the streets can make you lot of frustration. I believe we live in the only country in the world where architects do help in building streets.

Now, let's analyze the situation a bit and see why the previous three are enemies. One, you have the police. Ah C'mon... aren't they enemies to everyone? Thus, I shall skip this point.
Two, you have the drivers. There are certain drivers in this world who think they own the street... I'd like to call this theory: the kuwaitian theory. I think they should discuss it seriously in classes of psychology AND... forensic sciences. They have a haven in this land! Let me tell you about the types of drivers that I face daily, notice that some of them I see in the early morning like at 6:00am.

1. The Picking Driver. This type of drivers actually has nothing to do with the car or the road, because mainly he is busy with his nose. As you can see the consequences, this type is mostly available in the early hours of the morning, or you can see them available on every traffic light. This is a driver that guides himself by intuition in fact! Really! The road is almost empty, no one is there, and you take the left lane (that would be right lane for UK drivers by the way) and speeding with some number that only StarTrek staff can measure and yet, you see this gentleman pick up his nose and drive to your lane from the extreme right! What an amazing invention!!!

2. The Master Driver. Well, to explain this type, I have to ask, did you ever see the impression of Robin Williams about Scottish drunk men in a bar, on youtube? Well, here you might ask what's the relation here, well, the fact is simple: for both subjects, you cannot understand anything! You drive, there is a traffic jam, people are not budging with their cars, and someone comes from the back and honks! I didn't know my car can fly even until that moment! Then, since he gets sick of you and the jam, he would take the safety lane on the far left or far right where no car should pass by, then he would see a police car (haha! supposedly to be organizing the traffic) and thus he gets back to your lane after trespassing you. Congratulations dude, you reached home earlier by 1 minute than yesterday!

3. The Lady Driver. I really don't want to go into this issue or I might be called a racist or something like an anti-feminist, but I'm going to talk about a special case that we have here in Kuwait specifically. You are in one street, and there is a U-turn into the same road you're taking. Suddenly, this lady comes by into your road without looking at you even (I'm sorry your Majesty I did not know this is the royal palace)... then when an accident happens, as always, she would call the police and say "I was under a sexual harassment." Really, I'm not kidding. Of course, who's going to believe a single man like me, or even a married man who's been sick of his wife? Women live here like queens and yet they are claimed to be suppressed! Viva to the modern world. (I wonder what would I get if I claimed males are suppressed?).

4. The Lost-in-Time Driver. This type of drivers usually comes along with the first type discussed above. They don't know where are they, who are they, what they are doing, and yet... they hold the brakes in an empty road. Cops should check for alcohol level in those guys really!

5. The All-The-Time Driver. This type of drivers is someone who thinks that he has all the time in the world, and in life, in others' lives and all the time on the other planets... (I really don't want to go further though I can!). They would go so slowly on every road, every curve, every roundabout. I understand the necessity of driving "safely" but I don't understand what's so safe about driving slower than other people in the road!!! It makes an accident for sure!

6. The Luxury Driver. This is the funniest type to me ever. They buy new cars, sport ones or just luxurious ones (and probably he sold his own house to buy this!)... and then he hires a chauffeur to drive it... ah c'mon who works for the other now? He bought the car, and someone else is driving it?

Enough about the types now, though I can go further, but let's check up the roads and streets. Here we do have a nice planning theme in fact, but we don't have a theme for planning to be exact. Why? Well, to make roads, you need engineers I suppose to make streets for cars and people, but we don't need "people" to make streets for engineers, right? The maximum ingenuity of those people we have here is expressed obviously in their works with straight roads! They are ready to make you a straight line from this place to Texas... I bet on it.
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