My whole world fell apart, all i could think of was What did i do to deserve this?
|What Did I Do To Deserve This?
She abandoned me. Everything we did together, meant nothing to her. I was nothing to her. What did i do to deserve this? All i had ever done was care deeply about her. Maybe that was it, maybe loving her was why I'm feeling the way I do now. There could be no other explanation for feeling such pain and heartache. I had done nothing wrong...nothing.
I don't hate her, no, i hate myself for loving her. Getting attached to her was my biggest and only mistake. She meant and still means the world to me, but what did she do? She severed all relations to me. I tried day and night, to try and talk to her, sent messages on Facebook, MySpace, msn and hotmail...only to be replied with absolutely nothing. I thought to myself, well maybe she's really busy and doesn't have the time to reply yet. HA! How much was I kidding myself.
So it's five days on and still no replies. I know she's been online and deliberately ignoring me. All I could think of was...why? Later that day, my friend told me what she told him, "I don't care anymore, fuck him". The moment I finished reading it, tears trickled down my face. It confirmed that i meant nothing to her. What had i done to deserve this?
Sadness and a fair amount of depression crept up in and around me. I felt like I was all alone with no one to help me. My eyes, all red and stinging from crying, glanced to the shelf, to the pair of scissors that lay there innocently. My hand shakily reached for them, grabbed them and brought it back to me. I slowly seperated the blades and the next moment, it wasn't just my eyes that were stinging, my arm was too. Warm, red blood seeped from a fresh cut on the inside of my left arm. I just sat there in my bathroom, crying my hearts out, wishing that this wasn't real and just a nightmare that I could wake up out of in an instant. But it wasn't a nightmare, no, it was reality.
I still love this girl, I always will. I've told her that many, many times. And every time I said it, I really did meant it. I can never hate her, even though the message she sent hurt me more emotionally than anyone ever could, I can't stop loving her. She'll always mean everything to me and I won't give up on her, ever.
Maybe she'll talk to me again one day. And until that day arrives (if it ever does), I'll be waiting for you. This person knows who she is, but I doubt she would be reading this because after all...why would she?
Alexxx [and] er
June 27th, 2009