Loss, Unbearable Grief
|Preface: Everyday we are graced with the experience of life, and with it will bring something new, expected or totally unforeseen.
Sometimes I believe that as human beings, we tend to take our daily lives and all the individual moments that fill them for granted.
This is my own experience on life lessons learned, and the most surreal form of personal grief imaginable.
The recount of the things that I was feeling and the thoughts going through my mind and my body’s reaction to what happened to me that day
At times our eyes may fill with tears
And our hearts are torn from sorrow
We sometimes believe that the pattern that we have always lived by in our everyday existence is so mundane and we take our daily events without even so much as a single thought,
Moving in our normal pace.
Taking everything as a symbol of our struggle to survive each hour on this Earth, just trying to make it until the next.
Another Day- Sunday
Off from my job
I thought I had just come in the door from running errands
Talking to fellow passers by
Noise everywhere, but I can't remember.
Had I really been outside?
Had I been inside doing a meaningless chore?
It is all a blur.
And I still Can't Remember!
There was a far off ....distant.....
Never ceasing ringing of a telephone.
I do remember that I Did Not want to answer it.
NO! Don't answer it!
Please, don't make me answer it.
Except for the screaming,
It won't stop.
MAKE IT STOP!
Then all of a sudden, I can't hear anything.
I can't even hear the clock ticking.
Nothing seems real
It IS NOT real, it Can not be……..
It is my imagination or just a nightmare…….
I Really need to wake myself up……
I am still standing there, by the telephone.
Only now it is lying on the carpet.
It is making a beeping, buzzing sound that keeps penetrating my ears.
What is this?
What is happening to me?
Why is the phone in the floor?
I can't remember.
The room is spinning around and around.
I feel so dizzy and I am not able to see anything in the room.
Nothing is in focus.
My head is aching so badly!
It is a constant pounding and pulsating pain running amok in my brain.
I reach up to see if I can make the throbbing go away
It was then that I felt the tears
Wet, flooding tears are pouring down my face.
I feel sick to my stomach
I can not focus
It was then I heard the thunderous crashing noises
I see all of my own belongings flying across the bedroom.
And I STILL hear that damn phone!
It is deafening.
I am still so totally confused
It was then that I realize
It is myself that is screaming and
I am the one turning over my own bookshelves, tables, lamps
Throwing glasses against the walls
Smashing everything that is within my reach.
My head is filled with total craziness, I am out of control.
And I do not understand why?
Why is all this happening to me?
Think! Damn it.....Think........
What is it?
Suddenly I remember
My mother's voice
Crying and sobbing and screaming into the phone
She is DEAD. SHE IS DEAD.
The police divers found her
In the Lake
At the very bottom
© Copyright 2009 Clementine