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Rated: 13+ · Editorial · Comedy · #1596181
Just an essay about a major annoyance.
A terror lurks, and its closer than you think. Chances are you have already met this ghastly entity, and you may not be aware of it. In fact, it may be near you right this very moment. It may work in your office. It may be at your school. It may even live at your house!

But, what is IT???

IT, ladies and gentlemen, is the most fearsome creature of them all. More terrifying than a cross eyed nun with a ninja sword, more unnerving than a naked fat guy. It is...someone with horrid, awful, gut wrenching, mind altering and gag inducing terrible breath! Do you know this person? I'm betting that you do. They come in various shapes, sizes, genders and varying levels of gum disease. It can be anyone. The only certainty is this creature, which has probably infiltrated your sinuses once or twice, has no qualms about doing it again!

I personally have encountered this being many times in my life. Typically, its in the afternoon hours right after they have just crushed the triple onion four bean guacamole and garlic chili cheese dip special at the local Mexican dive and washed it down with a bucket of Gin. Once this feat of gastrointestinal disregard is complete, they never waver from the desire to speak millimeters from any unsuspecting victim's face. Amazingly, this person is oblivious to the path of destruction they have left behind them. If they looked around they may notice dead plants, birds falling from the sky, a blind preacher following them around shouting "Beelzebub!" and scores of people wretching ferociously, pondering whether life is even worth living anymore.

So, in case you still haven't gathered, I have a tremendous psychological hatred of bad breath. That said, I have also been known to gently and discretely inform said nasal rapists that "Hey your breath smells like a weasel shit in your mouth" and have gasped blindly through the tears welling up in my eyes for a stick of gum or mint or holy water and kindly inquired if they would "For the love of God, eat this freakin mint cause your rancid ass breath made me ralph bile in my mouth". Call it propriety, call it animal instinct, call it manners but I believe in the purity and sanctity of my nostrils. I will not have them plundered like its prom night by someone who is comfortable with the taste of week old possum squeezins mashed up in burnt, greasy beluga whale ejecta residing in their oral cavity.

It seems to me to be an easy fix. Brush, floss, scrape tongue. If you are feeling especially nutty, maybe a nice mouth wash, hm? And maybe, just maybe, lay off that double helping of onions and hot garbage on your morning omelet too. Your friends will thank you. Your family will thank you. Your co-workers will thank you. The ozone layer will thank you. Perhaps even God Himself will thank you.

So do you know this person? Chances are, you do. If you don't, then the smart money is this person...is YOU!

....Mint anyone?
© Copyright 2009 Rob Ertson (robbyson16 at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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