this occurs the night after 'a not so typical day.'
It's so unfamiliar.
For no specific reason.
Also for no reason exactly.
The thought runs through my head.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Ali chimes. I look up. Why am I suddenly having fun with her? I usually dislike her and think she's too cheery. But suddenly I find her fun and enjoy her company. I take a look around. Just about all the people I am with are people I'd considered mere aquaintances.
I reflect on last night. I realize what's going on. The emptiness I'm so used to has started to fade ever so slightly... what's going on?
Hours pass, and still I'm laughing and having fun, not worrying, not stressing. I haven't felt so alive in years. Being fat, it'd been two and a half years since the last time I wore a bathing suit.
I remember when I first got here. I'd been feeling like myself, and sitting alone in the back. Then I started to feel strange... I began socializing. And then I changed, and dived into a pool, and played silly little games and told silly little stories.
I find myself at peace. Somthing I haven't felt since I was little. I'm simply enjoying scenery. There isn't even a need to move, to think, to say anything.
Once again I ask myself the question.
What the hell is wrong with me.
I reflect on last night again. I know who did this to me.
Damn you, you perfect, innocent, sweet and angelic boy.
All the things he said to me, I'm starting to believe them. Why? Why do those words mean so much to me? He's not even here, and I'm... I admit it.
I'm experiencing that thing called 'happiness.'
I even found myself singing during worship...
I start thinking.
Maybe I'm healing. I should go back to God. He can help me. I need to appreciate the friends around me. More people love me than I realize. I should love myself, maybe just a little. I should praise my creator.
Suddenly my memories flow back in a surge.
Why the hell should I change?
I'm afraid to change. I don't want to lose who I am, or rather who I have become. It's scary and unfamiliar.
Why should I trust some God anyway? Why should I, really?
What is there to love about me, why should I praise my creator? Why would anyone love me?
I find myself torn between two completely different thought patterns. And there is no middle ground...
Damn that boy.
Now, I don't know what to do. Which road do I choose? I know I must follow one. But not I'm too confused. I don't feel like moving in any direction at all.
But even worse...
How will I face him? What will happen, come Monday?