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Rated: E · Essay · Comedy · #1608378
Tongue-in-cheek description of a last-ditch plan to lose those last few stubborn pounds.
Losing Those Last Few Pesky Pounds

Finally you’ve made it!  After a long, hard, and hungry battle, you are within just a few pounds of the goal weight you’ve been struggling to reach.  But, as every experienced dieter knows, the last few pounds are the hardest ones to lose.  Take heart!  I have the answer that will help you finally REACH that elusive target weight.

The key lies in proper preparation for your victory weigh-in—NOT in continuing to deprive yourself of all those luscious morsels you have passed by for so very long.  First of all, plan your victory weigh-in (hereafter referred to as the VW) for first thing in the morning, AFTER that first morning bladder-deflating session, of course.  Strip that svelte body of all clothing—I mean Every. Single. Stitch.  And, whatever you do, include all jewelry in the strip-down—even that new piercing in your nose (you can shove it back in later).  Trust me, what’s a little pain when you’re so close to achieving your dream?

Next, strip off every vestige of make-up on your face and/or body.  And be sure not to overlook the nail polish—on BOTH your fingernails and toes.  If you are sporting fake nails, you may want to plan just a tad bit more preparation time as the Pliers Removal Method is not only painful, but can also necessitate an unforeseen trip to the emergency room, thereby forcing the postponement of this momentous occasion.  And, should nail removal be an integral part of your preparation for the VW, certainly do not overlook the all-important filing off of whatever nail glue still clings to your lovely appendages following nail removal.

Now proceed to the dry brushing step.  This is a process where you dry brush your entire body, from scalp to toe, with a dry bristle brush, effectively removing those annoying top layers of skin that could be the one thing holding up your triumph.  In this endeavor, even ounces count.  Caution: do not dry brush past the Pink Skin Phase or, as with the Pliers Removal Method mentioned in the previous paragraph, an emergency room trip could also result causing a VW delay.

Okay now.  Don’t be squeamish—time for your haircut.  It’s gotta go.  ALL of it.  So scissor away to your heart’s content, cutting it as close to the scalp as you can, whilst being careful not to cause any major lacerations that might necessitate the twice aforementioned ER trip and subsequent VW delay.  Oh, don’t forget to tweeze the eyebrows and eyelashes—every bit of them—and those very heavy nose hairs as well.

Now on to the very exciting final phase—showering.  Of course, shaving is an essential aspect of the showering phase.  Diligently, and carefully, shave your body—legs, feet, arms, hands, head, shave it all. Yep, you heard me—E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G—even nipple hair.  As far as that other, more southerly region, I’ll leave it up to you whether you shave it or wax it—I’m all for personal choice.

And now for the loufa.  And let me be specific here: no sponges, no shower gloves, no bath scrub, no pleasure puffs.  We want to exfoliate—in a major way.  Actually, bath scrub would be delightful to add to your loufa, for an extra exfoliation punch.  I do recommend you avoid using a generic loufa as it may not be as effective as the premium brands.  Personally, I prefer the S.O.S. brand as it seems to remove the most dead skin.  And, let’s face it, even if it gets some of the live stuff, it will die very quickly once removed.  Again, as in the dry brush phase, if you go from the pink skin to the red skin level, you have gone too far—and that steel wool can get you there much faster than the dry brush can.  The good news is, if you make the mistake of reaching the red skin phase,  you are just about finished, so you can still do your weigh-in before traipsing off to the emergency room, thereby avoiding the dreaded VW delay.

Step out of the shower, briskly towel-dry your fetchingly hairless body.  And now, the moment of truth has arrived!  Time to step on that scale and claim victory.

Wait!......What?  Still a couple pounds shy of the target?  Not to worry.  Repeat the above steps tomorrow morning, but modify it ever so slightly: 1) tonight, consume a package of ExLax just before bedtime, 2) prior to beginning your morning preparations, dry swallow a double dose of whatever pain prescription you happen to have on hand, 3) allow additional prep time for a marathon toilet session, and 4) be sure to use the Pliers Removal Method for your false nails and go all the way to the red zone in both your dry brushing and loufa efforts.  The pain meds will help you delay your ER trip until after your VW.  And even if it all still hurts just a tiny bit, remember—no pain, no gain!


Caution!  Do not try this at home.  This technique is for entertainment purposes only and/or is intended for use by professional dieters who are under close medical supervision, or who at least know the name of a doctor or medical facility within a 10-mile radius of their location—regardless of how many people you personally know who have used this technique in its entirety, variations of the same, or portions thereof and heretofore.  The creator of this technique is not responsible for idiots who may choose to use it and, in fact, will deny all knowledge and/or culpability for its use, existence, content, portent, lament, or pup-tent should they suffer damage, injury, disability, and/or death via its use, thereby proving they represented a substantial danger to society and themselves anyway just by virtue of drawing breath.  In other words, I might be reprehensible for creating it, but I refuse to be responsible for the stupidity of others, over which I exercise no control whatsoever or inasmuch as they might want me to.

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