A letter to my Dad who died when I was little
We never really got the chance to get to know each other. I blamed you for a long time, for the empty hole within me and my lack of self worth. I blamed you for leaving me, when you could have stayed to look after me and looked after Mum so that I wouldn't have needed to. I blamed you for abandoning me, leaving me feeling like I wasn't worth staying around for.
I don't blame you any more. I realise now that those were the very things that I came here to learn. I often wondered what my life would have been like if you hadn't taken your own life. I think I understand that things would have played out in exactly the same way. We weren't meant to know each other, your path would have been to leave my life even if you hadn't made the choices you made. I understand that you couldn't work out why things hadn't worked out, how you had tried your best yet you couldn't make things right. And I understand that you couldn't bear the pain of walking out on us. So you turned it inwards.
I thank you for those subtle vibrations you left imprinted on me in those two years we knew each other. You left me with many gifts. The empathy for others, the non judgemental love, the ability to act in kindness in the midst of despair. I also thank you for those things which seemed like a trial while I faced them. I've been to that dark place where each breath feels like a thousand weights are pressed against your chest. How you can't see outside due to the darkness all around. I beat it Dad! Thank you for showing me how strong I can be even when it feels like the world is falling down around me. Understand that I'm not laying blame when I say this, it was meant to be, I needed it.
I wonder if you were a stranger, our paths crossing for that brief time in order to teach us what we needed to know? Or did we know each other before and danced this dance many times. I've broken the cycle if this is the case, but know that there is always a place for you in my heart. The medals I wear now are thanks to you. I am eternally grateful for those voids which have been filled with pure love for myself. I hope you've found your own peace. I love you, I always have.