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Rated: 13+ · Article · Satire · #1616382
"How Hyphens Affect A Marriage."
Hyphenated Names Prove to be the Leading Cause of Divorce in America

A recent study out of the University of Berkley, California, has uncovered a surprising new fact in their most recent study “How Hyphens Effect A Marriage.” While the study was originally aimed at spelled out numbers and whether they assist children in the learning process or not, the professor in charge of the study, Dr. Kalnamor, found that a sporadic number of the children seemed to have a subconscious aversion to the hyphens. When the Dr. looked more closely into each of the participants backgrounds the children who had the hyphen aversion all had one surprising thing in common; they all came from divorced homes.

After some digging Dr. Kalnamor discovered that it was indeed the hyphen that was the underlying cause of all of the divorces. In each case the female of the relationship was too indecisive to make a clean decision on whether to keep her maiden name or change her last name to that of her husband.

Three months into his research project Dr. Kalnamor decided to completely redirect his focus from “The Effects of Hyphens in Numbers” to “How Hyphens Effect A Marriage.” The new research immediately turned up amazing numbers, showing that nearly 95% of all hyphenated marriages end in divorce.

Other researchers on this project had strong views on the topic of hyphens. One Dr. Molinski claims that passing a law that made women choose between their maiden name or their married name would help in decreasing the number of failed marriages in America. Though one of her colleagues, Dr Rouer, argues continuously with her saying, “Removing hyphens will only shift the reasoning behind the divorces. The problem isn’t the hyphens per se. It’s the type of people who choose hyphens. Taking the hyphen away won’t make the woman any less indecisive, it will only take away the physical manifestation thus making the problem that much harder to figure out.”

Finding this study quite so fascinating, I personally decided to do some research on the subject of hyphens in marriages. I interviewed one John Porter of Queen Anne, a recent divorcee from a hyphenated relationship. He described his ex-wife as “wavering” and “consistently unsure of her choices.” At one point his new girlfriend was heard yelling from the back room, “Hyphens are home wreckers!”

Once Mr. Porter finally calmed his girlfriend, he returned to the interview and told us his tale. “Three years ago I married my ex-wife Beverly expecting that we would settle down and live happily as Mr. and Mrs. Porter. But to my surprise when it came down to signing the papers she opted for the name Beverly Moore-Porter. It was all downhill from there. Constant arguing, always saying ‘you decide’ when I asked her where she wanted to go for dinner. After just over two years of marriage it finally all came crashing down when she informed me that she was bisexual and that she was leaving me for another couple.” We had to cut the interview short because Mr. Porter was too distraught to go on.

When my own investigation into the effects of hyphens was concluded I finally felt comfortable with Dr. Kalnamor’s theories. I also came upon a theory of my own. If your bride-to-be decides she wants to put a hyphen in her name, either call the wedding off or help bring her bisexuality to the surface by introducing another woman into the relationship.

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