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Rated: E · Column · Comedy · #1616905
Reprint from LJ: Things I've learned while being a total klutz, vol.1
Today the diligent social scientists here @ Shoe Central present Helpful True-Life Survival Tips for the Absent-Minded, first in a (now that I think about it) hopefully occasional series:

1. When using the washroom for the main purpose, do not – repeat, NOT – stick your iPod in your lowered jeans pocket and hope for the best. Trust us. We will skip tactfully over the details; let us just say that that particular ‘kersplunk!’ is unequalled in the annals of hideous realization…except possibly by the ensuing visual. The old gag about the prospector bit in the butt by a rattlesnake comes to mind.

2. OK, if you hesitated and now are lost, despair not. For lo, upon entry into your nearest Apple store the clouds will part, sunshine will stream through, and all will be right with the world once more. There may even have been a heavenly choir involved, although our lawyers wish us to add a caution that we are not a theologian.

3. Because, upon hearing your sad story (modified to avoid the REALLY INCREDIBLY EMBARRASSING PARTS) they will: issue you a replacement for less than half-price. No cables or ‘phones, just the iPod, which is all you need (unless you’ve done something in the washroom which, frankly, is your own problem). Those of you wondering when the choruses come in probably do not live with the (Shoe)Mother of All Financial Advisors.

4. Confronted by your honesty, the store associate will want to thank you. This is normal. They have skipped the step where they inform would-be freebie hunters that sorry, they can tell there’s water immersion damage, and then the FH violently tries to reduce their ability to breathe or procreate or both. Given the depth of gratitude on display to us, whatever happens, we are sure it is bad.

5. This is the really tricky part. Do NOT get so wrapped up in the gratified glow that you neglect to notice, as you leave, that a) the counter edges are very sharp, and b) your kneecap is in close proximity to – OWIE! OW OW OW OH ^#%&#@! After that, all you can do is stagger out of the store, past all the bemused nerds, your face struggling grotesquely between beatitude and pain. Come to think of it, this may have been the source of some S&M spam we received later that evening.

6. Upon arrival home, limp over to computer, plug your New Little Treasure in, and discover that it restores from backup. Including those district assembly notes you forgot to email to yourself. Thus rescuing you from a starring role as Technophile Doomed by Her Own Hubris, and in fact making you look to awed observers like…well, like a daughter who didn’t throw district assembly notes into the toilet.

Which is a good feeling. Trust us.
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