Letter to Myself, Before Separation
Life has been crazy this past year. Your marriage was definitely not what you expected, but, at the same time, exactly what you expected. From the get go there have been no real surprises, just let down after let down.
Maybe he is right, maybe you are incapable of being pleased... but then again, the things you are asking for seem simple.
So, what should you do this coming year to make it better? Can you make it better? I feel like you have one of two options. Either suck it up and make it through until August... or leave. Leave this city and just wait for him to be finished with his schooling and then you two can go elsewhere and start fresh. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?
Maybe. I hope, for your sake, that it could. Because staying here is not helping. You are drifting away from him. He loves you, you know he does, he just doesn't know how to show it in ways that you reciprocate...or at least that is what you've been telling yourself. He knows you love him and he is very content... so why aren't you? What is it that you need from him?
You know what you want from him. You want to feel like he cares. That he isn't indifferent to your thoughts and feelings. That he cares that you are stressed to the point of breaking. That he listens to you. That he knows you.
Of course, you want him to trust you to go to Michigan, when you know that he shouldn't. Not necessarily shouldn't, you wont be bad, but your thoughts will be. You don't have the courage to hurt him in that way, you could never... but the temptation is there. Thankfully not all the time, and the girls will watch out for you, will keep you accountable.
But, it doesn't make it any easier. Not when everything about him is perfect. Not when you can't stop wishing that you had met him sooner in life so you wouldn't be dealing with what you are dealing with now. Wishful thinking is all it really is. The grass always seems greener...
So this year, strive to make things different. Try and find joy in the little things so that you can keep your marriage together. Try not to be so needy and to just be content with who he is instead of trying to change him. You never know, Self, he may be the greener grass in the end.