A letter to mom a litle over a year after she died
|Last year, I had the worst day of my entire life.
Last year, I awoke to the news that you were in the emergency room...
Last year, it was the first Christmas Eve I didn't get to spend with you. And we didn't even get to talk.
Last year, I couldn't eat and I sat in a daze as everyone opened their gifts.
Last year, I knew that the next Christmas I wouldn't spend with you either.
Last year, I began a yearlong downward journey into insanity, depression, and fear unlike any I'd ever experienced in the past
Last year, I no longer had hope and I felt like my life was over.
Last year, I wanted to be at the hospital, climb into bed with you and hold you as much as I couldn't stand the thought of hearing your voice or seeing your face ever again.
Today, I kept waiting to wake up from the nightmare.
Today I would imagine that you are celebrating in heaven and that makes me happy, even though I feel really distant from you now that I'm a new person. You wouldn't even know me.
In all honesty, it seems so weird to say mom now. It's been a little over a year since your death. I think about you every day. At first I forgot your voice but your voicemail you left remind me. Then I forgot the way your hands looked, but pictures still remind me that they were very nurturing Then I forgot the little laugh lines you had and where the placement was but I look in the mirror and see.
I hope you are proud of me mom. I have tried the best I know how in life and you didn't make it easy but I know that you are watching me and protecting me in those moments of loneliness. I am so lucky to have known such a fun and lovable person in such a short time. I thought about you a lot at night and if you could hear me when I spoke to you in my bed. I wanted to make dad and you very proud of me always. I am who I am today because of you.
The day I graduated high school the day I was going to stop being angry at you for leaving but I realized that everything you have done has shaped me to be who I am today, so I was ever really mad to begin with. I felt so alone with my cap and gown. Everyone’s family was there to cheer them on and in the stands was my friends whom where as close as a family I had. I know you were there watching over me, I heard your whistle. I have your sense of humor I think and that unique personality. Mom I bet you were so happy when I walked across that stage. I wondered what you said to everyone around you when you heard my name. I’m sure it was something like “THAT’S MY BOY!”
I miss you every day and try not to think of you on the days I need you the most but it’s only to get me by on those days. I love you and miss you every day I am a grateful to have known you.
The fight you fought left you on the losing end; you were fighting against drugs and alcohol. People often lose that fight, but you gave it a hell of a run. I’m sure you’re proud of Dad since he quit drinking; I really think you had something to do with that.
You left us so fast. I am really going to miss you on those days that mean the most to me, like my 21st birthday, we were supposed to go out that night. You’re not going to be by my side to keep my nerves down on my wedding day, if that ever comes haha. You won’t be there to tell me how beautiful my first born is. I am really going to need you there. I’m going to need you there for a lot more than that.
Be sure to tell everyone in heaven that I’m your son and tell them when I do something amazing. You’re around me always, I feel it. I hear songs that make me stop and think of you. I hope that I marry a women as half as great as you were. Wow, the past tense really shakes me up when I talk about you……. I lose a lot of sleep because you roam in my mind. I always wonder who you would be today and if you would be different.
The Cowboys-Panthers game is coming up, right after my 20th birthday too. I’ll make sure I watch every second so I know you can see it with me. I loved watching that game with you. You made it so much more fun. Do you remember our first time watching it together? It was probably the best game I’ll ever watch. I heard our songs today, you know “Pretty Fly for a White Guy”? I remember all the good times we had when we would hear that song.
Mom, I just need you a lot these days; you comforted me in my times of need. I hope you have found your peace, and I know things are well with you. I will be here thinking of you all the time, it never stops. I hope you let me know you’re with me every day. Things are getting tougher as everyday passes but I’m sure you will keep me in line and never let me get weighted down by the world. We’ll be together again someday and I know we’ll pick up where we left off.
It keeps me going to think about that :)