This is a letter I wrote to my four children. There is only one gift.
TO MY FOUR ANGELS ON EARTH
How do I write a book about my life for no general purpose? It is hard to do, when words have a hard time even forming in my mind. I wonder why I am even doing this. What makes me think I am even capable of writing a book?
So why am I doing this? I have been spending countless hours trying to put the thoughts down in words, yet words do not come effortlessly for me. However, I know this is essential. I have to accomplish this one mission. I cannot just relinquish. I have to move forward with this undertaking. I cannot even sleep any more. Yet while awake, I cannot write.
To my Kids, I believe this is for you. You may gain some understanding of who I was and who I am. My love runs deep for you. Yet for some reason, some of you do not understand. I thought I was doing an excellent job. However, at whatever the age one no longer is being parented, is when parenting becomes difficult. You have no guidelines in your mind. You float on what you hope is correct, and then you hit the ground running.
Yes, I have failed you. However, the failings were not intentional. You know I always held on to this one statement while growing up. I would not change a thing in my life, because it makes me who I am. Now at 48 I can say, I wish that my life would have been different, because then I would not have failed you as I have. I watch all of you struggle and I have no idea on how to help you. My health is not good. My mind has never been the greatest. I left home at 15, after years of unintentional neglect. Therefore, I can only say I am sorry. Please forgive me and do the best you can in this life, which has become increasingly harder. I Love you all. Each one of you, are so unique and perfectly created.
I hope you understand a little more about me after you read about my life. For whatever reason that may be necessary. Maybe it is so you can forgive me, so your Father in heaven will forgive you. My incentive for this book is to let you know there is a God. He does exist. He is not far up in a realm where He is out of our reach. He is here. Like the air, we breathe. The air that surrounds us and engulfs our being is He. He is the breath of life. Talk with Him. He knows all things, so do not be ashamed of the fact that we all fall so short before Him. We have to trust in his perfect Love. Remember perfect love drives out all fear. Guilt is a trick beginning with the evil one. The evil desires us to feel guilty so we are frightened to talk to The God, whom we belong too.
Now conviction is quite the opposite and is from the Holy Spirit of God. It is a knowing, when you do or say something that is misaligned with Gods individual Law. For each individual he has a Law. He has a place for us all and wants us to speak in the reality of his existence. Do not be ashamed of The Father, Son, or Holy Spirit. Ask for forgiveness and get to know Him in His Word. Hold on to it as Sacred and Holy. Never ever, let anyone judge you or condemn you, for only God is the Judge.
I love you all unconditionally, with an idealization that will always be in my heart. Would not our Father in heaven Love you the same. Would I want you to come to me and stay with me? Would I want you to come home to me when this life has ended? I am only human and no matter what you have said, or mistakes you have made, or bad choices you may have made along the way, the answer remains the same, yesterday, today and, tomorrow. I want you home with me. Therefore, it is understood heaven is your destination. For I will be there waiting patiently. Just as God is waiting patiently for you to say “Good Morning Father how are things going? What is on today’s schedule?” So please my angels, whom I was blessed to know in this life, focus on the pragmatism, God is reality.