Letter to Myself, After Separation
The emotions that you are going through right now are normal. The guilt. The hurt. The desperate feeling of needing to run away from everyone...
Okay, maybe that's not normal. Most people want to surround themselves with people who love them, but you want to run away. You don't want anyone to ask you how you are doing. You don't want any advice. You don't want people to worry. This was a choice that you have made, and their will be consequences... ones that you have to pay, no one else.
You made the right decision for yourself. He didn't love you, or even try to love you. He wanted you to love him and follow him with all that you have, but didn't want to put anything into the relationship himself. He promised many things, one of which was that, if necessary, he would sacrifice everything for your happiness and love. You never asked him to, as a matter of fact you never wanted to be the woman that required that of her husband, but once you were married there was no compromise that he would make even if you needed him to. There were a lot of things that he said he would be and do, and all they were were words. Words that never saw any action.
You need to see the action in order to believe the words. You know that. How many times did you ask him if he loved you just to hear him say that he does but not believe it at the same time? Too many to count. Especially in the last year. He never really had that look in his eyes that you know you did. For a long time you were captivated by him, but he never felt the same for you.
You knew, weeks before you got married, that something was changing in him. The way he looked at you changed. He changed the way he communicated with you. He changed the way that he handled you. He became himself, essentially, and that was not the man he had shown you in the beginning.
So, it's over. You are done. He is talking a lot of words again how he is going to get you back and earn your trust, but the actions, again, have not been seen. Not like that would matter at this point. It would have made a difference even a few months ago, in this decision, but now you have nothing left for him to pursue. He has made your heart turn cold to him.
But, please, let it warm up again for someone else. Someone who will treat you as you deserve. You deserve to be loved. Your very name means "Worthy of Love" and the tattoo on your wrist reminds you of that daily. Don't be afraid to realize that, to find strength in that. Let yourself fall again, it will be very well worth the risk.