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Rated: 18+ · Essay · Comedy · #1652199
A rant about whacking off.
Okay, I'm going to go ahead and put it out there.  I masturbate because sometimes I just don't feel like having another party involved.  Now don't get me wrong, masturbation is not a substitute for sex and usually doesn't feel as good.  But sometimes, for totally selfish reasons, it's a lot easier and much more convenient than actually getting another person involved and having sex.  There are times when I really don't want to have to be concerned whether or not my partner is satisfied.  When I'm spanking the monkey I know that in the end the involved party will be satisfied.  And I won't have to snuggle, or ask "Was it good for you?", or even give a flying flip as to how my performance was. 

I've heard of incidences where one partner found the other's porno and threw it away!  Why the hell would you do that?  Oh yeah...the whole "If he has me why does he need this smut?".  Or the "Masturbation is the same as cheating" excuse.  WRONG!!!!  Cheating is the same as cheating.  I'll tell you right now, you cannot and never will be able to control what it going on in your partner's head.  Take away his porn and he'll still be thinking of someone else when you're actually doing the dirty deed.  Just because you're attempting to delude yourself doesn't mean it's working.  It just means you're deluding yourself. Not to mention, causing some resentment towards yourself on behalf of your partner.  Throwing away a mans porn is tantamount to a declaration of war! 

My theory is that if one partner is opposed to porn it's because they're a dirty prude and in actuality don't want their significant other to know that they are a closeted porno fiend.  The ones that protest the loudest are the guiltiest.  Oh, and please keep in mind that just because he's looking at pictures or reading stories about bondage, fisting, and rape doesn't mean he wants to be bound, fisted, or raped.  It's fantasy, people.  Just because you read stories about vampires and serial killers doesn't mean that you want to drain someone of all their blood and then hack them to pieces.  Just because the elves speak in a different language doesn't mean that what they're speaking is a real language.  Stop it all you freakin' Lord of the Rings fans! 

Maybe if people would just change their outlook on porn it wouldn't cause so much stress in relationships.  Instead of wondering why he's looking at it, look at it as a learning tool.  Maybe he'll learn some tricks on that video that he'll want to perform on you (outside of bondage, fisting, and rape.  Unless you're into that kind of thing and that's okay too as long as it's consensual.).  I can honestly say that I've made more than one partner writhe in ecstasy because of some interesting little trick I learned from a porno video. 

But what about the exploitation of the actors?  What about it?  They signed up for the gig.  They're of age.  I've read plenty of interviews by porn stars and they know what they are getting in to.  And don't get on your high horse about them being trapped in the industry and not being able to get out.  If you want to talk about being trapped in an industry just take a look at the tennis shoes you're wearing or the "hand painted" mug you're drinking out of.  Now, the people that assembled and painted those are trapped in the industry and more than likely are much less than 18 years of age.  So enjoy those spring filled heels and that coffee in your quirky mug. 

Okay, so I've had my say.  I'm now going to put in "Dallas Does Dennis", spit in my palm, lean back, and enjoy the next 15 minutes or so.  Happy slapping!
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