This is a satire I wrote in response to A Modest Proposal in my English class
|Children wake up in the early morning and get ready for school while parents prepare for the task of dropping their children at school and making it to work on time. Around noon, all are allotted thirty minutes or less to eat lunch. Children come home from school and work hard on homework and parents return home only to whisk their children away to the extracurricular activity du jour. Only some are lucky enough to make it home on time to make a quick and decent dinner before all fall asleep at the end of a long and busy day; and then they wake up to restart the cycle all over.
There is simply no time in the day to have a nutritious or even an entire meal. And we are expected to eat not one, not two, but three balanced meals per day! Think of all the time that could be saved if we did not have the need to stop and take time out of our busy schedules to eat. The time saved could be used to become more productive members of society. I myself am a very busy person with school, volunteering, and church activities. I never have time to eat breakfast before school and I am always so rushed during lunch that I must eat during some of my classes. I am also usually gone during most of the evening so I must choose between eating enough dinner and finishing homework to get to bed at a decent hour. Eventually, busy people–which is a large portion of society–will have all of their time unavailable for eating. People usually cannot live very long without nourishment, so by not having the time to eat, they will starve and die. For most people of society, losing people that worked so hard to contribute to society would be devastating to the economy as well as the population. That is why, for the benefit of mankind, I am proposing a meal in a pill.
This pill would contain an entire meal, whether it is breakfast, lunch, or dinner. One would only need to swallow it and then it would expand in the stomach, giving the satisfying feeling of eating a well-proportioned meal in less than thirty seconds, saving the time needed to prepare, serve, eat, and digest, which would normally consume hours out of the daily schedule. Place pill in mouth, take a sip of water, swallow, instantaneously feel satisfied, and go about the remainder of the day. Derived from the concept demonstrated in the 1971 Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory when Violet eats a piece of gum that takes her through the flavors of five courses, components of all the ingredients needed for the selected meal would be turned into micro-particles and placed into an easy-to-swallow pill. Once the pill reaches the stomach, it will soak up the stomach acids and expand the pill to give the stomach the feeling that it is full.
The pills would be sold and separated by breakfast, lunch, dinner, desert, and snack. They would be available in a variety of popular dishes, such as Jambalaya, clam chowder, any flavor pie, pancakes with butter and syrup, Tiramisu, fondue, spaghetti with meatballs, ice cream cake, and sandwiches with a side of chips or salad (and don’t forget a Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings!). Each pill would have a recommended beverage to help the transportation of the pill from mouth to stomach. Orange juice with waffles, soda with pizza, milkshakes with hamburgers, iced tea with barbeque, red wine for the fancier occasions, milk with cereal, etcetera.
And think of all the money that could be saved by not going out to fancy dinners for those rare special occasions. Not to mention that it would eliminate awkward meals with annoying relatives who will not stop talking about how great they are, how much better their kids are, and blah, blah, blah. And lunches those friends from years ago that are not even liked anymore but continued to keep with tradition could be avoided all together. Also, grades would be improved dramatically because the time once used for students’ lunch would be added to the class schedule; and we all know that more time in class means the student would be able to ask the teacher more questions and perform better on tests and lead to overall better grades. The cost of these pills would be even cheaper than all the ingredients needed to make a full meal for one because they would be available in economy sizes at Costco. The demand for scientists and advertisers will increase, therefore creating more well paying jobs and decreasing the gap between the rich and the poor.
Now, we could have mandatory feeding tubes installed at birth and drag a cart holding bags that look like vomit around until the day we die, but it would be ascetically unappealing as well as frustrating since the carts would not be easily transportable. Also, it would take just as much time as the traditional way of consuming food for changing the bags and making sure everything is plugged in correctly and unclogging back-ups and hauling it around everywhere. This would be extremely inconvenient in our society since we are always on the go and have the need and the desire for freedom. We were not made, nor are we insane enough, to live chained to a plastic tube and regurgitated food. The complete meal in the form of a pill would allow us to live our lives without the constant worry of making time to eat enough to sustain ourselves. The list of environmental, social, humanitarian, and economic benefits go on and on, but there is not enough time to list them all because life, as we know all too well, is too chaotic to spend this much time reading about a miraculous pill that would clearly be life-saving for many. We, as a society, need–nay, deserve–to have our lives significantly simplified by taking the preparation and eating of food out of the equation. The only question left is why haven’t we thought of this sooner?