How do you tell the truth when the truth is so hard to believe
|“Baby, don't do this,” I said. “Please...I need to talk with you.” I know my voice had a simpering high-pitched longing in it just short of a whine. I was showing a weakness I couldn't hide and didn't want hidden any longer; not for one solitary second. I needed this woman in ways I couldn't explain to myself, let alone her.
She stood several feet out of my reach and looked at my face and into my eyes. She wasn't showing the slightest twinge of endearment nor patience . Her arms remained crossed against her chest as she looked at me hard. Time stopped. I could hear the rhythm of her breathing as she inhaled and exhaled through her nose. It seemed especially dramatic and noticeable now in the quiet summer afternoon right before sunset..
I didn't breathe at all. I stood between her and her brand new maroon Lexus Sedan which she had recently purchased with a hefty part of the proceeds from our divorce settlement. I didn't give a squat about the car. I let her look me in the eyes for what seemed like quite awhile, and the whole time I stood there I was aware that she knew I hated it when people looked me steady in the eyes like this. I had lied so many damn times in the past. I let her look into my eyes now, gratefully, for I had nothing any longer to hide. I was ready to tell her the whole truth, everything. At long last it was going to come out, protocol and regulations be damned! She needed to understand and I needed to finally explain.
We both knew I was begging.
She saw a solitary tear escape and roll the length of my cheek. I didn't manufacture the tear. It just happened, but I'll admit that once it fell I was glad that it did.
Perhaps she thought she owed me this.
She said, “Alright, Albert...”
Lacey Park is a quiet and expansive lawn-covered field overlooking the ocean. It was still light out. We took separate cars. “Fifteen minutes,” I said, fibbing a tad. I knew it would take longer to explain it all. Perhaps I hadn't changed completely, but I had so many things to clear up. After thirty-five years of being a CIA operative, I was ready to change, believe me. I was never readier.
I parked in the empty parking lot right next to her car. I opened the door and Scotty jumped out in his hulking Saint Bernard fashion. He wiggled all over when he saw Louise standing there. They hugged and kissed and made a great sentimental showing as I knew they would. Then the three of us went for a walk along the bluffs.
We walked silently without touching. It was beautiful on the cliff. The sun was just above the horizon and lowering into a wine-soaked ocean. We stopped and stared. There was no one else around us.
How do you begin to tell the person you've lived with for thirty years that they know nothing about you. That they think you have been selling Fire and Casualty when in reality you've been immersed in starting Juntas across San Salvador. That you know exactly how Kennedy died, and actually met one of the three men that killed him. That you begged Ollie North to cancel his crazy plans and the son-of-bitch wouldn't listen. How?
Where do you begin...
I didn't for the life of me know, but I knew I had to try.
We stood together watching the sunset and I put my arm gently around her shoulders. She immediately cringed and stepped out of my reach. I thought for a second she was going to brush herself off where I had touched her.
“Oh, God! I knew this was a mistake!” she said.
So, I was going to tell her. Then and there, I was going to let it all rip. About being a spy for the CIA. About the World Trade Center and Bush. About Kennedy and the other Bush. Elvis, and fluoride, and Princess Diana. Subliminal advertising and digital TV.
But I froze with my mouth open. There hovering above her head in the night time sky was a great glowing disc. An unmistakeable UFO! It was first in one spot over her left shoulder, then it was over her right. It was blue, then green, and then a strange and eerie combination of both. The disc soared this way and that faster than anything I had ever seen before and my heart raced in the center of my chest. I tried to speak, but I couldn't. I tried to point but couldn't do that either.
Louise stood there and waited for me to say something.
“Well?” she said.
She finally turned with a great agonized groan and began walking back to her car. I stood watching the space craft hovering over my head.
“Beam me up, Scotty,” I managed to say, but the dog had gone with Louise.