You can't know whats fair or not until you get given the chance to misunderstand it.
|Between The Cracks
I lay there, tears blurring the edges of the commotion unfolding before me. All my friends comically packed into my cluttered room, flowers and photographs just visible behind each clump of them. The courage they must each have to come and see me like this, the love that they must have for me that I didn’t even know existed. They all illustrate their shock to me in different ways, like a present, similar emotions but unique expressions. Some are blatantly scared, others sympathetic or curious. The ones I was closets to cant even hide it, their own tears welling up, dripping down their faces which have been drained of all colour.
I slowly relax, letting go of everything I usually try so hard to keep hidden.
I hear my voice crack as I say, ‘I didn’t think it would end like this.’
They have come to say good-bye.
To me it felt like a game, I was about to win but as I reached the climax it was do or die. However, this is definitely reality, they took a sample of my blood a couple of weeks ago, to try and determine what was wrong with me. My step-mum came with me to the hospital to await the verdict of the results, the white sterile environment of the hospital made me feel claustrophobic within seconds. ‘She’s nervous, I can tell, she is not even reading that magazine, she is just staring at it, flicking pages occasionally out of habit. She is so pessimistic. I could be fine.’ I think to myself, but my whole life basically depends on the appointment I have in just a few moments time.
To be honest, I couldn’t make up my mind about how I felt about dying. I didn’t know if I would be able to cope with the bad news, when my heart was set on every optimistic view I could think of. All I could keep thinking of was, ‘How much do I really have to leave behind?’ I always thought I would be like everyone else, you know, normal? I expected a long life full of everything I wanted, the adventures then marriage and a family, then maybe dying nicely in my sleep, content with how everything turned out. Now I have to question all that and I’m starting to think about how I haven’t done anything that I wanted to do, I have travelled, haven’t fallen in love, haven’t become a famous chef, haven’t done anything really except await my future. What if my future is about to be destroyed?
“Reeves, Scarlet, room 2”
Shit that’s me. Times up Scarlet. Just take a deep breathe, go through the door and face it. I’m not going to let it control me, whatever happens in that room happens and it must be meant to be. That’s what I hope anyway.