Ramblings I use to get my creative juices flowing.
|There comes a time in life when you reflect on things. On the, "what might have beens" and "what could have beens".
There are countless times when I wish I had listened with my eyes open, ignoring what was said and listening to that which was never there.
I wish when you had said, "will you move in with me," it hadn't sounded like,"can you help me pay my rent?"
I wish I'd had my eyes open when you said you wanted to stay in and I convinced you to come out.
"It's New Years Eve after all.." is what I said. But, if you had listened with your eyes open you would have seen, "I love you, I don't want to lose you. I know I'm not enough for you, so if there are other people around you won't have to put up with just being with me this evening".
I wish I had stayed in bed instead of wanting to 'show you off'. Stayed in bed, held you in my arms listening and feeling your breathing, warm my head. It's the only place I feel that I am safe and comfortable being me.
I wish when your phone beeped I hadn't looked and seen her saying, "thank you for listening". Couldn't you see how much that hurt me? The shutters went up and I convinced myself perhaps you weren't the one, that I was just a favour for a friend. I spoke without thinking, I was hurt and upset although those words come nowhere near to how I was feeling.
I put our relationship in a box marked 'disparaged'. I felt that you had belittled me; that you were laughing at us and my inexperience.
All these things I can now articulate. At the time I had no words, only tears. I could not eat, nothing tasted the same. I even changed jobs. It was too painful to tell my co-workers about you. I didn't want to hear what I thought would be the "I told you so" and "I never liked him". I wish I could control my tears. The tears were at fault. People felt they knew what I needed to hear, "you found out in time."
The person who I thought would help me win you back was instead the person to dig in the knife. Telling me each time you went to visit her making a four hour journey. But, an invitation from me for an evening out was so often met with silence or some excuse about wanting to be on your own.
I thought I had listened with my eyes open and saw a man who's job was ruling his life; who was capable of so much more but somehow couldn't see his own worth. You read that as me trying to change you; that wasn't what it was. I say things without thinking while you say nothing at all. I didn't want an argument so I didn't tell you how I felt.
Even now so many years later, there are no words, just tears. ..