Made for the Writers Cramp for Aug 24th.
|“ ‘Gather round people, gather round.” Bellowed Sherrif Cole. He waved his lanky arms around in a loose “come to me my children” jesture. If it wasn’t the volume of his voice tah caused the crew in the tent to look up from what they were doing, but his rather condecending tone of his thick southern drawl that made the people turn to look at him.
“C’mon y’all, I’ve got somfin to tell ya” he bellowed again, and waved his arms about even more vigoursly.
“Dejectedly the odd group moved toward him and gathered around in a loose semicircle. Ted Barndum was the first to arive, his short legs moving like a toy poodles trying to keep up to the giant owner taking them on a walk, but forgetting that they were walking a small, short dog and not talking on the phone to their best friend about what Bobby from the football team tried to do to them the night before.
“Now see here sir. You and your entourage have kept me and my staff from finishing packing up our gear and getting ready to move to the next show. We need to keep a shedule you know” Ted’s horrible fake english accent was only made more comical by the fact that the Sherrif stood about a foot taller than the ringleader.
Sherrif Cole raised his hands in defence and made a face that looked like he was hurt, embarres and insulted all at the same time, but it just came across as looking like a beaver, after it had been run over by a car and spent the last several hours baking in th hot sun. “Now there’s no need ot get your britches allin a bunch. I’m here on this particualr fine morning because I was able to finally determine the murderer of Binky the clown.”
There were gasps all around. Ted was the first to speak up “ Murderd you said”
“As in Dead?”
“ Well when you found him was he moving?”
“Did it look like he was getting ready for he next performance?”
“ Ummm.. well yes.”
“Err ok, well then didn’t you think it odd that there was a rather large salmon sticking out of his mouth?”
“No, not really .I just thought it was part of his act. He mentioned that he wanted to make it more fishy.”
“Riiiiggghhht. Wel then, why don’t I just get on with it then.” H Sherrif cole smiled. He put his hands behind his back and rocked on the balls of his feet. “This here investigaion lead me on a whirlwind of a ride” he turned and winked at the Deputy at his left. Who smiled then made a face when the sheriff turned away. “ At first I though it was Bubbles, the Reptillian man.”
“iiitssss not truueeee!” he squeeked. “I wasssss oonnn sssttaaaggeee aaatttt tttthheeee ttimmmeee”
“True, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t suspect you. It was one of your fish that we found in the deceased. But be that as it may, when I realized that you had an air tight alibi, I turned to the jilted lover, Wulfinda, the dog faced girl.
“That is not trewuuuu. I looooooved him” she said, large tears rolling down the soft fur that lined her long face.
“Indeed. But love is hurricane and a precipace, and we all know that a woman scorned is hateful indeed. Just ask my 3rd wife. But that is neither here not there. No, I have spent many an hour interviewing all o fyou and I have finally determine who the real murder is.” He smiled again, that wide teeth bearing grin. And he smiled. And then just to make sure they got the point, he smile a little bit more.
Ted broke the moment with a restrained comment through clenched teeth” Well then who was it? We have work to do”
“Now, now, no need to burn you butt with that torch. You need to understand the why before you grasp the how.” And the smile got just a little bit bigger. “ You see, when I was able to check the alibi for Wulfinda, I came up short. So next I checked with Binky’s partner, Tinkles. But since Tinkles is only three foot nothing, it stood to reason that unless he was hanging from a trapese he wouldn’t be able to get the fish up that high”
“You don’t say” said Tinkles sardonically, which was ironic as he hate sardines.
“Actually yes, I do. But that only left 3 other people. We were able to eliminate Ted the ringleader, as he has an aversion to fish.”
“Aversion; I hate the blasted things, makes me break out in a rash just touching them”
“Yes well, I would recommend mecuricome, workes every time when I get a rash. But that is not important here. No, you see we’re talking about murder here. Now as Ted was in the ring announcing Binky’s imminent arrival, then he to has a solid alibi.”
“Ted snorted. Yah think? You interviewed every single person in the audience!’
“yes well I do so like to be thurough.”
“Thurogh? You threatened a baby that you would take it’s sucker!”
“It worked. Didn’t it? He confessed to the robbery in Houston last week. I’ll get me a comindation for that’un. But stop distracting me son, it’s getting unseemly. Boy just can’t keep the facts straight. Elevator just not getting to the top floor and all that. So that left Strongus the strong man and Bob. “
“ I no killer. Me like Binky. He make me laugh” said Strongus.
“ And a bit more I dare say. He was you lover!:
There were gasps all around. “No, you didn’t kill him, and It wasn’t Bob. He was asleep in his bunk. In fact it was what we found in his stomach that was the clue.”
“Da fish?” asked Wulinda.
“No, peanuts. You see dumbo the elephant is food possissive. When Binky took a handfull of his peanuts, it drove the elephant nuts. He was close to the fish tank, grabbed one of the salmon and shoved it down Binkys throught, probably with the intent to remind him that the peanuts were his.”
Again there were gasps.
“Yes, you should never take an elephants peanuts. It will put you in hot water with the thing.”
Ted looked stunned. He shook his head. “I just though he was being funny.”
“Funny?” Said the sherrif. That elephant has killed fifty-threee people. It’s a serial killer.”
“What are you going to do?”
“ It’s done. We caught him in the tuilps on the far side of the field. He’s going to be locked up for a very long time.”
“ Well that tears it. NOW what are we going to do” wailed Ted. Who’s going to ride the bicycle in the second act?”
“Da hippo?” Aked Strongus?
“No” said Ted “ He’s afraid of heights.”