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Documenting my life with cancer
                              "I Have Cancer?" Part 4

  It is Sept 14th, and I have not kept up with my journal. The reasons being that my treatment start 2 weeks ahead of schedule and have brought on new surprises,
complications and anxieties. I am finding myself in a deep depression as each day gets harder to eat or have energy to do the things that mean the most to me. Writing, which I love has taken a back seat and I have little desire to do much of anything.

  These past two weeks I refiled for medicaid and also for disability. My prospects of  going back to work are not to good right now.I am going through a lot as my real family has no interest nor contact and it hurts a lot.  There are however a few good people who have taken the time and energy to help me through all this and I am very grateful.
  I find myself at times crying for no reason and feeling of helplessness and worthlessness creep in. I set up a counseling session to handle this and this Thursday will go and get some help. My pain medications have both changed over the past 3 weeks and increased in doses. They still do not seem to work and I am told that soon I will have to rely on external pain patches exclusively since I will not be able to swallow pills.

  I have heard from a few readers there stories and it does give me strength and appreciate there time and comments. But my mind is still in a bad place.  I have found that I am very short, curt and downright rude at times toward the ones I love. It is not that I mean to be that way, and wish it would stop. I am assuming that I am angry at myself for letting my health get this way. Since I can't yell and scream at cancer nor be angry, I tend to take out things on others who neither understand nor deserve it. It is hard on them I am sure and many nights I lie awake thinking how to fix things I have said without thinking.
  I learned that this happens quite often but unfortunately drives some away for good. I do not ever want that to happen. I find it hard to focus on good things and times and dwell on negative things happening now as in my whole life. At times I wonder if God is trying to teach me a lesson the hard way for things I have done in the past. And I even find it difficult to pray to Him also when indeed I need Him the most. Also I find it hard to let people help me, because of being stubborn and a man and being so damn self reliant all my life.

  The few times I can get away on the weekends, sometimes helps, but most times, it is more depressing. However I have someone who cares a lot about me,and has done a lot for me. But again, I am rude, insensitive and treat them badly many times then not. I do not tell them what is wrong when they see me so down, and I feel that I should share it with someone I love. So I shut everyone else out. I do wonder how many of us cancer patients have gone through this and if they would write me in support  with suggestions?

  My Chemo and Radiation started a week back and this is my second week so far. My blood work has turned up excellent so far and the blood cell counts are very good and where they need to be. There are many risks with chemo and radiation you may have heard. Becoming anemic is one which can be dangerous and I have compounded that problem if it arises because I refuse to take blood transfusions because of religious beliefs. I said earlier that I had a set back two weeks ago and almost bled to death had I not been rushed to surgery. Again with out transfusions, my life could have ended that quickly. But by the grace of God I made it through and lost only about a pint or two. This week I have been eating more solid food, gumming it to death, and have put on some much needed pounds. I have gained eight pounds since my first operation and will need to force myself to build up as much weight as possible before the hard part sets in where it will be difficult to eat at all.

  I have so many medicines it is hard to keep tract of them, and constipation is an ongoing battle with all the pain medications.
  There are days I feel like jumping on a bus and just running away from it all, but that is not an answer just my fear and demons haunting me constantly. I also find that sleeping is a big problem and without sleeping pills would not at all, which only adds to my already sore demeanor. 

  For those close to me I hope they see that I am not myself and pray they will overlook some of my harsh treatment. Some cancer families have been torn apart over it and I don't want to lose the few people who do care about me in this world.

  I want to add that the people at the Helen Graham Cancer Center are all top notch and very caring and supportive. I still feel very out of place and cannot except my fate being here yet.

  This week so far has been not to bad, But Monday was a beast, with both Chemo and Radiation back to back. Also the side effect of the chemo drug Erbutux is beginning to show with pimple like eruptions on my arms upper back and front top of my chest. It is not pretty but I am on a daily regiment where I have to rinse my mouth with baking soda 4-6 time daily to help prevent mouth sores which will come soon also.

  There are times when I think I cannot make it through this and indeed have made up my mind that if successful, then a year or two down the road find it has returned , have determined that I will not go through this again. At least that is how I feel now. Maybe that will change.

  Again I hope anyone who read this will give me some feedback on anything you see written here. I need all the help and support I can get. Thank you all once again.
S A Gibbins

P.S.  I apologize but months have gone by without entries. I just became to damned depressed and sick to do much. I will finally finish this soon I hope. Thanks for understanding.

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